Archives

Until It Is Carved In Stone [an Excerpt from Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach]

It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth — and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up — that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.
~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Visiting old cemeteries can be very illuminating. They are so still and silent. So quiet. Old cemeteries remind us that until it is carved in stone, realizing our heart’s desire is possible every day if we recognize what it is that makes us happy.

In Thornton Wilder’s play Our Town a deeply poignant scene takes place in a graveyard. Ghosts comfort the young heroine, who has recently died in childbirth. Emily, still longing for the life she has just left, wishes to revisit it one ordinary, “unimportant” day in her life. When she gets her wish, she realizes how much the living take for granted.

Eventually her visit is too much for her to bear. “I didn’t realize,” she confesses mournfully, “all that was going on and we never noticed … Good-by, world. Good-by, Grover’s Corners … Mama and Papa. Good-by to clocks ticking … and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths … and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you’re too wonderful for anybody to realize you.”

This is the season of Epiphany, when the renewal of light and revelation are celebrated in the liturgy of the Catholic, Episcopal, and Eastern Orthodox churches. On our new path we seek everyday epiphanies — occasions on which we can experience the Sacred in the ordinary — and come to the awakening, as Emily finally does, that we cannot longer afford to throw away even one “unimportant” day by not noticing the wonder of it all. We have to be willing to discover and then appreciate the authentic moments of happiness available to all of us every day.

[excerpted from the book Simple Abundance; A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach]

2013 – A New Beginning

It’s been quite a while since I blogged regularly. I have been feeling the urge to share my thoughts again in a venue where I can get feedback from others; and just really feeling the need to express myself in writing, the way I used to.

I have a lot of things to update regarding this blog, but the past week, I have been considering “New Year’s Resolutions”.  I’m not really very good at keeping resolutions, but I want to live this next 12 months with some sort of intention and plan. I haven’t really ever done that before. But I really want 2013 to be SPECIAL. Noteworthy. A time of transformation and a new direction.
So instead of making resolutions, I would like to state intentions. Specifically, I am going to state intentions – ranging from intensely personal, to family-related, to finance, to just-for-fun.

So, here goes:

  1. I fully intend on cultivating more patience and kindness with my husband and children. Lately, I have let my irritability and impatience color my dealings with them, and my tongue has become quite sharp. I really want to try to be more present in mind when they need something from me or want to ask/tell me something.
  2. I fully intend on cultivating more patience and kindness with MYSELF.  I have become such a cruel critic of myself that I often find myself in the throes of terrible anxiety/panic attacks when I am indulging in leisure activities, or trying to take much-needed naps. There is nothing like having a guilt-induced panic attack just because you’re trying to catch an afternoon nap when your kids are not at home.
  3. I fully intend to allow myself downtime every day without guilt or “woulda”, “shoulda” or “coulda” statements. If my fibromyalgia, SAD, or anxiety is causing me to need to take it easy for the entire day, I need to allow myself to do this without recrimination.
  4. I fully intend to continue to work on cultivating multiple streams of income. I have two very good part-time work-from-home gigs going on, and I’m going to encourage those employers to send more work my way, and increase my monetary contribution to the household. I will try to be open to new avenues of income as well.
  5. I fully intend on continuing to work from home, but not more than 35-40 hours a week.  For once in my life, I’m going to do my best to avoid getting burned out, as I have so often done with employment in the past.
  6. I fully intend to continue the progress I’ve made with my dietary choices. I all but eliminated caffeine from my diet this fall. My hope for this year is to seriously cut down on soda drinks, and to drink more water. I also would like to approach eating healthier by picking one unhealthy food choice at a time and replace it with something healthier. When I feel I have overcome that unhealthy food habit, I will tackle another one. Again, trying hard not to get burned out.
  7. Become more disciplined and organized with regard to time management.  I have always tried to come up with these all-encompassing schedules, to-do lists, calendars, systems, etc., and they never seem to last very long. My goal is to really cut out all the things I have always told myself I HAD to include in a schedule/system, and simplify my schedule, so that I don’t feel so overwhelmed with housework, paying bills, etc.  I am going to have a far less stringent approach to expectations with regard to keeping house, and decide what the truly important tasks are each week and do my best to get those few things done. I don’t need to worry about dusting every week, or mopping every other day, etc. It’s just silly. I can go a couple of weeks without doing those things and you can’t even tell, so obviously these are just expectations put in my head by my OCD mother’s upbringing! I hate to have chaos in my home, but picking up clutter is one thing – getting down and hand washing the floors is excessive and I need to stop putting that on myself.
  8. I fully intend on making more time to spend with my husband. We’ve never had the chance to be “just us two”, as he already had a daughter when we got together. We have never had a good support system of people to watch our kids for us so we can go out and be together. That hasn’t changed really, but I am willing to hire some of the college kids that I know well to babysit now that they are grown. I don’t have to just depend on my oldest daughter’s availability to make this happen. My relationship with my husband needs nurturing, and not just once every couple of months. I want to put this to the forefront of my efforts this year.
  9. I fully intend on taking care of ME: taking more of an interest and pride in my appearance, investing in myself with exercise, spiritual/mental care, and fun and hobbies. I really want to be happy where I am at now, instead of focusing on some far-off time when all will be aligned. I find the most happiness from the simplest pleasures, ones that I have always enjoyed – reading, music, movies, games, etc., and I need to allow myself those things without guilt. Life’s too short not to be happy. And red lipstick and garish eye makeup make me happy too, so I’m going to take more time for myself to vamp it up, even if I’m just gonna be home that day.
  10. Work on the worrying – I really need to get a handle on my self-talk. My inner dialogue is my own worst enemy. If nothing else happens this year, I have to beat this inner demon that judges me more harshly than all the bully cheerleaders at my high school ever did.

Well, that’s all I’ve got right now. Basically it boils down to: BE NICER TO MYSELF. BE NICER TO MY FAMILY. KEEP IT SIMPLE, SILLY. IF IT FEELS GOOD, LET YOURSELF DO IT.  STOP TREATING MY BODY LIKE A TRASH COMPACTOR AND MORE LIKE A TEMPLE.

Have a great week!!

I have to center myself.

I feel the inactivity of this blog really reflects the inactivity in my life. I have been at a basic standstill since Lola was born. I have gotten out of the writing habit, my home has descended into chaos, and I am at a low point health-wise. Emotionally, I am dealing with feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and am overwhelmed by all I feel I should be doing. Overwhelmed by the thought of digging myself and my home out of this mountain of, well, shit that is burying me. Financially, I have not been doing what I know I should be doing, I have not been a good manager of our household funds and my fear and anxiety related to money have caused me to often procrastinate on paying our bills in a timely manner. I hate to sit down and face it. In fact, that’s what I should be doing right now, but instead I am writing in this blog that I haven’t touched in a year.

I guess this is just my soul’s way of telling me that I want things to be better now. I want it to be more purposeful and I want to do the work necessary to eliminate these feelings of panic, anxiety, overwhelmed-ness, and the only way I can do that is to just GET STARTED. I guess I can come back to this blog as part of the life raft I will need to make the changes I desperately need to make.

I’m scared though. I’m scared I won’t be able to stick with it. Not sure how I should approach the changes. There are so many that ultimately need to be made. I’m screwed up in almost every facet of my life. I guess I just need to start working on what’s bothering me the most.

So, off I go. I will also cling to the life raft of FlyLady to help me not give up. I will go fetch my timer now, and face my fate. Wish me luck. Hopefully I will make some progress and then I can come back and write about all the good things I do have in my life. Until I dig myself out of all this, I can’t really enjoy those things.

A Few More Days

Well, there are only a few more days until we go on vacation.  I am so looking forward to it; I need time with my sisters, and my husband, and all the kids.

My husband and kids and I are going to be staying in a rental house in Florida, with my sisters L and J, and husbands and kids.  My nephew N and his girlfriend will be there also.  The house is large, has an inground pool and hot tub, and a billiards/game room as well.  It should be very nice for us all to relax and bond.  We are bringing our kayak and picking up L’s kayak as well, so there should be some paddling trips down the channel.  I am also anticipating time on the beach, watching my precious girl build sand castles and enjoy herself.

I have been spending the last week or so preparing for the trip.  To me, one of the major things I do to prepare for a vacation is to clean my house thoroughly, so that when I get home, I’m coming home to a clean and uncluttered house.  It makes it possible to keep the “vacation glow” just a little bit longer.  Coming home to chaos and clutter just makes me quickly lose the buzz!  This time, I did more than just the general straightening-up I normally do, I really have been deep cleaning the house.  When I get home, I am hoping to start fresh with a set routine for myself and the girls this summer.  I also have been reviewing and reworking our budget and think I have come up with some ideas to really help us get our spending in order, and increase our savings.

I know, boring, right?  Sorry!

What else is going on…hm…the fact that all I can tell you about is home routines and budgets is pretty sad.

Princess is finishing her last week as a sophomore.  Next year, she will be a junior and will be driving!  We got her a Jeep Grand Cherokee, but it needs a new engine before she can drive it.  She and her dad are going to spend this summer repairing the Jeep and getting it up and running.  She has to learn a certain list of maintenance tasks for vehicles before her dad will let her get her second level license, and drive on her own.  Already, she has changed the  oil in my van, along with  the air filter.  She has to not only do these things, but remember it so she can do it many times.  Her dad is making sure she has the practice.  The engine building should be excellent bonding time for them and teach her to understand the workings of her car.  Then, hopefully, she won’t be easily taken advantage of when she needs repairs on her vehicles when she is an adult.

Lola is gearing up to start kindergarten next fall.  I am excited for her, and nervous too.  I’m excited because she really needs interaction with kids her own age.  I see her loneliness.  She has a very active imagination and lives in a pretend world most of the time.  She has a LOT of “imaginary” friends.  The little kids next door are very antisocial with anyone but their own siblings.  It’s quite strange.  Lola would love to play with them, but they always seem unavailable.  It hurts her feelings.  I assure her it is not her fault, but there is this little worry inside me that she is so intense they just don’t like playing with her.  I have watched her play with others, and other than a tendency to try to be bossy, I think she is really sweet to other kids.  Yesterday, I went to  my insurance agent’s office and while I was there, the office assistant took her out to the lobby and was coloring pictures with her, and she was so nice to Lola, and Lola really just opened right up and they were just chattering away.  The lady was so good with her, and Lola’s eyes were just sparkling and she was so happy.  She didn’t want to leave.  I would love for her to have a kindergarten teacher like that.  I will not know how she will fare in school until she starts going.  I pray that the teacher realizes how loveable and smart she is, and helps us teach her to know when it is appropriate to interject, and not to interrupt and make it all about her. LOL.

Hubby is working really hard lately, lots of overtime, to help me get our finances in order, and to continue to allow me to stay home with the kids.  I really want to stay home until Lola is in school all day, which looks to be first grade.  When I *do* go back to work, I have absolutely NO idea what I will do.  I do not want to go back into an office environment again.  It really makes me feel claustrophobic.  Right now, I am turning some options around in my mind – either cosmetology school or back to college for another career option.  I would like to do something in the health care field, but I have to be careful what I select.  I’m not good with seeing injuries, etc.  It’s not that I get queasy from blood.  I get upset and I get sympathy pains very intensely when I see a wound.  I have seen some bad ones and have almost been incapacitated from the pain.

I have been told that I am an “empath” – that I am able to share other’s emotions and feelings, including pain.  I believe this is true.  I have always been able to tell 99% of the time, when someone is being dishonest to me, even to the point of just withholding information.  I can feel when someone is in pain even if they don’t say they are hurting.  When someone is angry or upset with me, I get really sick, because I feel my own feelings and I can feel their anger too.  I am very sensitive to other people’s feelings and usually, if I really care about them, I try to be very careful about what I say and how I say it.  Now, I’m not perfect, and I will sometimes say things that I regret.  I have been learning, the hard way, to keep my angry words to myself and give myself time to work through them to see if it is even worth spewing venom at someone else.  I have found this to be very effective, I have fewer regrets nowadays than I have for the past actions I took. And it seems that Lola may have inherited this trait from me – she cannot seem to handle seeing other people in pain.  She often will look at my mom’s finger, which had been partially amputated but has long-since healed, and she will say, “Oh, it hurts me, mamaw!”

But anyway, like I was saying, I would like to do something in the health care field where I would see less injury and still be able to help others.  Possibly as an ultrasound technician, or even an x-ray technician.  I do know that sometimes I will see some injuries as an x-ray tech, but maybe they won’t be as gory.  And even if they are, it’s not like I throw up or anything.  I just get those sympathy pains.  Maybe with time I would have them less?

But cosmetology is a big contender.  I love doing hair and makeup.  I love making someone look beautiful.  Especially working with Princess’s friends, I have been able to give some makeup help to a couple of them and really helped them be able to put their best foot forward in the world.  I love seeing the boost of confidence they have gotten from what I taught them.  I just feel at peace when I am styling someone’s hair.  I wanted to take cosmetology in vocational school when I was in high school, but the class was filled, and so I took secretarial courses instead.  It was my first inclination, and I still like the thought of doing it.  So maybe I should give it a chance!

Well, my little Lola just woke up.  We have some errands to run this morning.  Gotta get those done before Princess gets home.  She’s bringing her boyfriend home to study for the physics exam tomorrow, and they need babysitting! hee hee

Well, everyone, if anyone, who might be reading this, I hope you have a wonderful day!

P.S.  “By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.” – Winston Churchill

Songs to blog by:

Somewhere Only We Know – Keane
We’re In This Love Together – Al Jarreau
Girls – Beastie Boys
No Sleep Til Brooklyn – Beastie Boys
The Longest Time – Billy Joel
Beautiful – Gordon Lightfoot

The once prolific writer goes recluse; makes surprise appearance.

Hi there.  I know, I know, I haven’t written in a while.  I look back on my past writings, years where I wrote two, three, sometimes four entries in a day.  I suppose that has to do with being the mother of a small child.  My time really isn’t my own?  No, that doesn’t ring true.  I think I have lost my voice.  Having a stalker on the internet kind of sucks.  You can’t say what you really think or feel for fear this person will find out your information and spread it around like today’s hottest news.  When I came to wordpress I found that I could password protect entries, and hide myself from internet searches, which is great for keeping the stalker from reading my entries; however, with moving so much, and the reduction in my journal entries, I have lost a lot of my readers and now, blogging seems pointless.  Especially since I am not searchable on the internet, and no one can find my blog “by accident” unless they are surfing through wordpress blogs.

I guess even if I were to make my blog available through public searches, and the stalker found the blog, she still couldn’t access my deepest thoughts because of the password protection.  However, other new blog visitors will miss out on the good stuff as well, as most of my entries have to be password protected for some reason or another.

My daughter, Princess, has started a new blog.  I suggested it to her for a venue to practice her writing skills.  She really loves to write, and we are considering it as a possibility for her to pursue journalism in college.  So far, she is doing well.  If I decide to go public, I will add her to my blogroll.

I am definitely going to try to come and blog more often.  If you are a new reader, message me here for the password for the protected entries and I may give it to you.  Make sure to leave a valid email address.

I will spend more time writing entries about what is going on in my life these days, but at a later date.  Right now, I wanted to comment on the fact that a few months ago, I signed up on Twitter, just to see what it was like.  I really didn’t find it all that interesting, and never used it once I signed up.  So for months, my Twitter account has been inactive, yet almost every day, I receive an email notification that someone else is “following” me on Twitter.  I’m like, did you look at my past tweets and say, this person is witty and fun, so I will follow her for future tweets?  I think not.  Since I have not “tweeted” once.  What  was the protocol you used to decide I was someone to follow?  These are complete strangers, mind you.  Weirdos, I’m thinking.  Usually that’s a compliment in my book, but in this current scenario…it’s definitely not!!

I think I will toy around with my layout and my widgets this afternoon.  I am going to try to put a new daily quote or thought (the “P.S.” section) at the end of each of my entries, along with a playlist of songs I listened to while I blogged.

Fondly,

CG

P.S.  If there were no one to watch them drive by, how many people would buy a Mercedes?

Songs to Blog by:

Have a Cigar – Pink Floyd
Get on the Floor – Michael Jackson
I Don’t Want To Talk About It – Rod Stewart
By The Way – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Parachutes – Coldplay

If Misery Loves Company…Then Why Am I So Lonely?

Ugh.  Wednesday. 

Well, I guess it’s “ugh” NOT because it’s Wednesday but just because it’s just an “ugh” day.

I shouldn’t vilify Wednesday as if it is the culprit.

Let’s see…so far today, I have had a traumatic dentist appointment where I was asked to pay about $100.00 more than I had been told I would owe, and which $100.00 I did not have in cash, check or charge form.  Then, the dental appointment itself…I had my permanent bridge placed in the back over the molar.  When they removed the temporary bridge and started poking around on the live nerve I thought I was going to have to smack a bitch.  Plus, HE told me not to floss around the temporary bridge, and then he is giving me a hard time for not flossing good enough and the gums around that area are very irritated.  OK…THEN he starts putting the sharp metal hooks all down in the gums all around.  How is that going to make them LESS irritated?  He kept saying when the new bridge is in, the porcelain will be down on the gum and will help the area to heal.  Well…they will need longer now because YOU were turning the gums into hamburger for me.  LOL  Plus he was careless and managed to cut my lip in two places.

I am going to get my teeth whitened on February 2.  I hope it isn’t lame and actually shows improvement.  I had a whitening session done at a spa, and it didn’t seem to change anything.  I want beautiful white teeth and if I have to get veneers to have that, I will end up doing that.  I always loved my teeth, they are very nice and straight, even if there is the gap between the front teeth.  Now, I am noticing the discoloration of age, and my teeth are aging as well, you know how that is.  It’s just one more thing that is aging me. UGH.

Onto other subjects…Well, yesterday I managed to make a decent amount of money.  If I can make at least the same amount today and tomorrow, the paycheck may actually be helpful instead of a joke.  I hardly have any hours next week and they are all at 3 to 5 a.m. for the most part so maybe I will be able to work on house projects next week.  If only I had the cash to buy the paint and supplies I need…come on, Jack Frost, bring two or three modest snow storms our way the next couple of days!!!

I am having my “monthly visitor” right now so I guess that may be a part of why I feel like complete and total shit.  Then add in the head cold, fever, and my ears giving me trouble and you have a pleasant person to be around! LOL

The only things making me smile today are thinking of vacations, and seeing my kids smile while we are at Disney World later this year.  I am also contemplating going to the tanning bed a few times because maybe it will make me feel a little less frozen.  I need sunlight in any way I can get it.  I’m not a big tanning bed person and I wouldn’t do it so often that I got to be a raisin.  However, a little color won’t hurt and it sometimes helps my acne to get a little sun. 

If I could have anything right now, at least a modest wish, not the big “win the lottery” type wishes, I would wish for a full spa day including facial, mani and pedi, full hair color and style, 1 hour or more massage, waxing, makeup, etc.  Ah…doesn’t that sound great?  Another modest wish would be to have a bigger bathtub that I could relax in.  My wish for my loved ones would be  to feel more calm and relaxed so I could give them more love, and also some special time with the loved ones of their choice.  It’s lonely for my girls without extended family to spend time with them.  I wish I had decided to have a baby a year or so after Lola, then she would have someone.  I would be crazy, but she would have someone. 

I guess I will get off here and spend some time crocheting.  I’m on a crocheting binge and am planning several more afghans that I will probably not get to before I get burned out again.  I hope I can hang on though, and get at least 2 or 3 done.

Off I go.