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The once prolific writer goes recluse; makes surprise appearance.

Hi there.  I know, I know, I haven’t written in a while.  I look back on my past writings, years where I wrote two, three, sometimes four entries in a day.  I suppose that has to do with being the mother of a small child.  My time really isn’t my own?  No, that doesn’t ring true.  I think I have lost my voice.  Having a stalker on the internet kind of sucks.  You can’t say what you really think or feel for fear this person will find out your information and spread it around like today’s hottest news.  When I came to wordpress I found that I could password protect entries, and hide myself from internet searches, which is great for keeping the stalker from reading my entries; however, with moving so much, and the reduction in my journal entries, I have lost a lot of my readers and now, blogging seems pointless.  Especially since I am not searchable on the internet, and no one can find my blog “by accident” unless they are surfing through wordpress blogs.

I guess even if I were to make my blog available through public searches, and the stalker found the blog, she still couldn’t access my deepest thoughts because of the password protection.  However, other new blog visitors will miss out on the good stuff as well, as most of my entries have to be password protected for some reason or another.

My daughter, Princess, has started a new blog.  I suggested it to her for a venue to practice her writing skills.  She really loves to write, and we are considering it as a possibility for her to pursue journalism in college.  So far, she is doing well.  If I decide to go public, I will add her to my blogroll.

I am definitely going to try to come and blog more often.  If you are a new reader, message me here for the password for the protected entries and I may give it to you.  Make sure to leave a valid email address.

I will spend more time writing entries about what is going on in my life these days, but at a later date.  Right now, I wanted to comment on the fact that a few months ago, I signed up on Twitter, just to see what it was like.  I really didn’t find it all that interesting, and never used it once I signed up.  So for months, my Twitter account has been inactive, yet almost every day, I receive an email notification that someone else is “following” me on Twitter.  I’m like, did you look at my past tweets and say, this person is witty and fun, so I will follow her for future tweets?  I think not.  Since I have not “tweeted” once.  What  was the protocol you used to decide I was someone to follow?  These are complete strangers, mind you.  Weirdos, I’m thinking.  Usually that’s a compliment in my book, but in this current scenario…it’s definitely not!!

I think I will toy around with my layout and my widgets this afternoon.  I am going to try to put a new daily quote or thought (the “P.S.” section) at the end of each of my entries, along with a playlist of songs I listened to while I blogged.

Fondly,

CG

P.S.  If there were no one to watch them drive by, how many people would buy a Mercedes?

Songs to Blog by:

Have a Cigar – Pink Floyd
Get on the Floor – Michael Jackson
I Don’t Want To Talk About It – Rod Stewart
By The Way – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Parachutes – Coldplay

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Hey, it’s ok

It has been almost a month since my last post.  Because we had gotten so behind in the money department our internet service was cut off.  We don’t have it back up yet but probably in the next week or so. 

Life is otherwise going well.  My new job is stimulating, exciting and HARD.  Kind of like my man. LOL

I love working in the courthouse.  Not only is it cool to be in the courthouse, but by virtue of my job I’m right in the center of all the activity and all the stories, and all the people.  I am enjoying it right now, and trying like crazy to avoid any horror stories of criminal trials but I know that soon that will not be an option.  I have only been in the official position I was hired into, for about a week.  I really enjoy it, and the people I am working with.  I am very sorely missed up in the Probate department too so that is sweet to know.

I am doing some wonderful, special things for myself.  This weekend I am getting my teeth whitened!  And I’m having another skin consultation, and probably will schedule the first few weeks of whatever skin treatment I decide to go with.  Probably microdermabrasion or peels or something.  This is to work on reducing the appearance of the acne scars.  After that I am going to see a local, very well known and respected cosmetic surgeon about getting neck liposuction or a chin or face lift.  😀 

In the meantime, my BIL and SIL found a treadmill for me, and I’m looking for an exercise bike and mini trampoline for my fitness regimen.  I decided that with everything else I have going on, going to a gym is not something I want to try to fit into my day.  With the treadmill I can do walking or running for 30 to 45 minutes before I get ready for work every day.  When I come home from work I’m going to do 30 additional minutes of cardio every other day, and the alternate days some flexibility or strength training. 

My ultimate plan is to get to feeling as good about myself (my appearance, etc.) as possible.  Because a lot of the things that bother me can be worked on.  Thus the plan.

I made a list of all the things I want to do or set into motion as a regular thing and I’m going through it trying to make those things happen.

I got a fabulous new haircut too, and I would love to show you a pic but I am not really feeling like uploading pictures at this time.  It’s SHORT! and it’s all newfangly and shorter in the back than the front.  It’s really quite mod and sexy.  Hubby loves it and I have gotten tons of compliments from everyone. 

Long story short — feeling tons smarter, more valuable, and prettier.  Also feeling tons more tired and when it’s been a long hard day, I am not quite being the nicest mom in the world.  This is something I need to work on. 

I am off meds as of last month.  So far I have not seen the need to go back on.  My doc was going to take me off them soon anyway if I continued to progress because now the doc and my therapist think maybe I’m not so much bipolar as someone who is affected by my environment to an extreme degree.  I have been doing so much better since I went back to work that they feel that this alone should help me get back into a more steady mindset.  So far, it has done just that.

And a few more paychecks coming in should improve our financial situation drastically.  We are well pleased.

Lola is really doing well in daycare, so I think everyone is benefitting from this arrangement.

I love my babies and my man.  They are my world and I’m so glad that everyone seems to be doing well in this situation.

This was supposed to be a quick update but turned out longer than I thought.

I have to go…I have limited time online and I need to check on all my buddies.

CG

Great Day!

Ladies — Today is going GREAT.

I woke up at 8:20 a.m. and actually got up out of the bed on my own, NO prodding from the hubby, and I got dressed, did my stretches, got ready to go and walked into my bedroom.  My hubby was laying there with his eyes open, and he looked really surprised that I was dressed, mp3 player and timer ready to go.  I said, “I’m outta here, hon.” and he looked really impressed.

Out the door I went.  The music was great on my mp3 player and I was walking fast…I’ve been reading on this great walking website (http://www.thewalkingsite.com/beginner.html) about short and quick strides and visualizing walking a straight line, looking straight ahead and not at the ground, etc.  Also they said the faster you swing your arms, your legs will follow and this works.  The sun was filtering through the trees, so every few steps I would emerge into a shaft of sunlight and it felt so good.  It was chilly, but the sunshine was warm.  I walked without pain for approximately half the walk.  Started to get a bit sore in the second half, but not as bad as it has been previously.  I suspect that this is because of the flexibility exercises I’ve been doing from the previously mentioned walking website.  I just felt happy to be alive, happy that I am sticking to something for the first time in years, and knowing that my husband is proud of me.

I have been working out my plan for weight loss when going in to Phase 2 of the SparkPeople program.  I have figured it out that for the first 10 or 20 lbs I need to keep my calorie intake to no more than 1720 calories per day, and I want to try to burn 200-600 calories per day.  I’m not sure how I am going to structure this, now that we are going into the lovely season of Winter here in Michigan and I am not a penguin so I don’t like being out there too long.

I am planning on making Phase 2 last 12 weeks instead of 6.  I’m going to work for 2 weeks on each of the week’s points so that I can make sure they are embedded in my mind.  I need that extra bit of reinforcement to make sure things stick. 

If I could lose 2 lbs per week, by the time I am out of Phase 2, I could have lost 24 lbs.  That would take me down to 166 lbs., and a lot closer to my first goal of 160.  Once I’m there, I am hoping to get down to 150 or 140.  I think this is a nice weight for me to be, not too skinny, I get to keep my curves that my hubby loves and still be slim enough to wear the things I really enjoy wearing. 

Weight loss has become more of an interest since I have begun this change in my life-style.  I originally started this to work on modulating my mood swings for the bipolar disorder.  I have found without doubt that this is working for that.  These changes I’m making are not only exercise and nutrition, but also being more conscious of how I spend my time and making sure that I take care of my responsibilities as a wife, mother, friend and daughter.  Now that I have proved to myself that this is really helping me emotionally and mentally, and I am starting to see the benefits of consistent exercise and controlling my urge to overeat, I am hoping that my dream of getting back to a sexy body is closer than I had been thinking.  It seemed as far away as the moon.  I figured I couldn’t even meet my basic needs, how the hell could I possibly get fit?  No self control, no determination, no dedication, etc.  But I’m finding that I still have that in me–and the momentum builds as I get up and add another day to the tally of days I have lived this new way.

I am also seeing a definite lack of “fun” in my life, and I am really thinking about what I can do to infuse some enjoyment back into my days.  I mean, hanging out with my kids is fun, but I mean “MY” kind of fun…reading, other hobbies, etc.  It is time.  I am hoping that I can really curb the internet time, and spend that time with my kids, and also making time to seize joy during my days. 

Today for instance, the house is basically straightened up.  I don’t worry too much about the living room because that is where Lola plays.  I clean that up at night before bedtime so we start fresh in the morning.  The rest of the house is straightened, beds made, etc.  Tomorrow I will need to sweep and mop in preparation for my sister’s arrival, although I doubt she really cares about such things.  I will also do a load of laundry today as well, but other than that, housework is done.  It is currently 11:30 a.m. and I do have to run around this afternoon, so my time at home is short.  I have to go to my SIL’s house for 2-3 hours this evening while Princess is attending a babysitting course with her cousin in SIL’s neighborhood.  After that I need to get some groceries in the house this evening before my sister comes tomorrow.

I think I feel a bit uneasy like I’m missing something or should be doing more.  I can’t really see what though.  I am really not in the mood to take on some huge house overhaul or anything.  No special projects other than overhauling myself.  I think I may feel a bit funny about how much time I’m spending on SparkPeople right now but I think in order to effect the changes I’m trying to effect, I need to be on there to help keep my mind focused, or my eyes on the prize, as it were.

I just spend an hour or so going through the site, reading articles, etc.  I go to My SparkPoints page and I basically go down the list and do everything and get my points — but it helps me because I am watching those videos, and reading about nutrition and health conditions, etc.  It stays with me through the day and keeps me more conscious of my health decisions.

Wow, this is long winded.  I guess I should go and live my life today.  Thanks for listening.

Today’s Inspirational Muse brought to you by:

Would I Lie To You? – Eddy & Something or other, the name is screwed up.
Shining Star – Earth, Wind & Fire
Rock Steady – The Whispers
Where Da Party At – Nelly (feat. Jagged Edge)
Last Night I Didn’t Get To Sleep at All – Fifth Dimension
Crazy – Gnarls Barkley
Do Me! – Bell Biv Devoe
The Power – Snap

Time Management Really Matters

I am really getting into the habit of doing all these “basic needs” things I have on my checklist.  I am getting them done in the first part of the day, leaving the rest of the day to get other things done or spend time with my kids.  Limiting the time on the internet especially seems to help me.  I do not count my time journaling or doing SparkPeople or Bipolar Discussion Board in that “time wasting” time because those things are good for me.

My moods have been much better.  I haven’t necessarily been over the top happy but I haven’t been despairing to the point of really negative thoughts.  I feel simply content with the situation.  Part of me thinks I should be doing more, but part of me knows I’m lucky to be completing the tasks I have set for myself right now.  I would think a month is a good enough lead in time to developing a few good habits — I am hoping I can step up things, just a tiny bit more, after 11/1/07.  I’m really invested in baby-stepping this process.  Baby-Stepping to a Healthier ME.

Yesterday was great in that I spent a lot of one-on-one time with my daughter, giving her my sole attention.  For one straight hour, I didn’t answer the phone, or do any housework or anything like that.  I just spent time with her and did things with and for her.  It felt really good.  I am going to start making that a huge priority.  We read more books yesterday than we have done in a long time.  We also did flash cards, and watched a show together.  We danced, and other things.

I am giving thought to increasing my workouts once my month of “fast break” is over.  To walk to lose weight I have read that it takes 45 to 60 minutes  of walking for weight loss.  I just can’t commit to that big a piece of time being outside, at least at this time of the year.  I am wondering if I can do three 20 minute walking sessions and get the same effects or does it have to be 60 straight minutes? (Yvonne?  Can you answer this question?)

Well, I actually have a lot of extra things that need done today–my sister and brother-in-law are coming to visit this weekend–so I need to go and address all those things so I can enjoy my afternoon with Lola. 

PS. I look HOT lately.  And I haven’t even lost the weight.  I’m actually back up to 190 and wondering when I will actually lose weight?!?  I am eating less calories and have increased my exercise level.  Should be a no brainer, right?  So where is the weight loss?  Aside from that, my skin looks pretty good, my hair looks great, I have some of that old energy back.  But I wouldn’t mind losing some weight people!!!

Today’s Inspirational Muse Provided By:

Groove Is In the Heart – DeeeLite
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic – The Police
In The Summertime – Mungo Jerry
Part-Time Lover – Stevie Wonder
Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani
If You Leave – OMD
Shattered Dreams – Johnny Hates Jazz

End of Day 10.23.07

Miles Walked: N/A (I danced)
Minutes Danced:  30
Workout Heart Rate: 120
Strength Training (Yes/No): Yes
Days Without Soda: 9/365
Days of Doing 50 Crunches:  9
Yoga (Yes/No): No
Glasses Water Drank: 9+

My newest 3 Day Challenge was limiting my time on the internet to 1.5 hours.  I do not count coming on SparkPeople and entering my information in that calculation.

Today was Day 1 of that and I did it.

As a result, I spent quite a bit more quality time with my daughters today.  Yay me!

I did play some video games on the computer this evening while everyone else was busy, but it wasn’t the same as going to the websites where I really waste my time and just get myself stressed out.

Hopefully tomorrow it won’t be raining in the morning, so I can go walking.  I hate how dreary it is.  I need sunlight.  I wither away without it.

I am horny – I will go and address this situation.

You’ve Got The Music In You…Don’t Let Go…

Today I have gotten most everything done that I need to do in the whole day, done by 12:00 noon.  That leaves the afternoon for spending time with the little one and doing fun things for myself too!

All I have left to do (besides journal) is to finish one load of laundry and put it away; learning/fun time with the Bean (my baby); make a T-Shirt design for my brother’s pet store; dance to 3 songs with the Bean.  And that’s it!!!

I did belly dance instead of walking today because it was raining and dreary outside.  I did my strength training and my 50 crunches.

I made a decision about my soda drinking.  The more I think about giving up Dr. Pepper forever the more I want to go out and buy some and just guzzle it.  I did have a half a can last Sunday while driving back to Michigan from Cincinnati.  It hasn’t made me crave it any more or less these last couple of days.  What I’m thinking I’m going to do instead of putting myself on this “How many days since I quit Dr. Pepper” thing, I’m going to just say “How many days out of the year can I NOT have pop?”  That way I am not saying goodbye to a Dr. Pepper forever, and I can still keep track of my accomplishment.  I was trying to explain this to Hubby as far as the cigarettes go…every day he DOESN’T smoke is a day he doesn’t smoke!  But I don’t think he gets it.  Maybe cigarettes don’t work that way. 

Anyway — my system for now is going to be 6 days without it, and one can of Dr. Pepper as a reward on Sunday.  And keeping cumulative track of days without it.  It’s a good reward for my consistency, since I do enjoy my bubbly drinks.

I am still doing 50 crunches a day!  GO ME!

And trying to dance to 3 upbeat songs a day with the Bean.

I am walking 20 minutes/2 miles per day right now.  For weight loss, I guess I need to be walking a bit further.  I am just not ready to commit more time than that to walking every day.  I am in pain almost the whole 20 minutes still.  I need to get more conditioned before I take this further.  But still, 20 minutes a day is EXCELLENT for my cardio needs.  I am not so concerned with the weight loss as just being healthy for my peace of mind and for my family.  But there’s this little thought in my head that if I could get down to around 160 or even 150 I would feel absolutely wonderful!!! 

Right now I’m in the first phase at SparkPeople called “Fast Break” — it’s supposed to be 2 weeks long — to establish some healthy habits and build momentum.  I’m doing it for a month straight to really imprint those decisions on my heart and mind.  My healthy habits I’ve selected for Fast Break are the 20 minutes of exercise, every other day of strength training, tracking all food and water daily, and completing all goal activity early in the day. 

 On 11/1/07 I am going to start Phase 2.  It’s 6 weeks long and it’s to jump start weight loss.  I am thinking I will substitute a large salad for lunch every day.  I may vary it by adding slices of turkey, ham, etc. (Julienne salad?) but mainly filling up on greens for lunch.  I am thinking that I will continue to allow myself to have cereal for breakfast every other day, but I am going to go through all the cereals I like and find the LEAST fattening one.  I am thinking I will have 2 eggs every alternating morning.  Dinner I’m going to leave as it is, as it is the one meal I have with my whole family.  I am just going to use the small plates and use portion control.  And the big thing is to curb the sweet snacks.  I am not going to buy any more ice cream to leave in the house.  I’m not going to have a whole lot of candy in here either.  I am thinking I will get some Kudo’s bars, they’re not perfect but it will give me some chocolate and it is somewhat filling,  yet not as fattening as a pure candy bar.  And I will keep plenty of the fruits and veggies that I like available.  I like green beans, so I may make some green beans for a snack — they are excellent with a tiny bit of butter and salt and pepper. YUM.

Phase 2 will involve taking my exercise up a notch.  I still have not determined how I’m going to do that.  Jogging is too hard for my joints; hell, walking is kind of hard on them too.  I love to do the belly dancing and it burns about the same amount of calories as the walking, but I do believe that being outside in the morning is really the trick for my feelings being more regulated.  I am thinking that I may add 10 minutes to my walk; or do the 20 minute belly dance video during the day sometime.  I don’t know–I have to think on this.

Also, our finances are MUCH improved — in that we are not bouncing any more checks and are not going into the negative on the bank account.  I am keeping track of the checkbook balance daily.  And I am not taking the checkbook with me anywhere–we are only writing checks for bills.  I am shopping for food and other necessities with cash.  I am taking my calculator to the grocery store and keeping track of the totals so as not to go over my budget.  We are keeping our gasoline money and other petty cash in cash in our house.  Hubby is also helping me with this — he is now taking an equal role in the decision making of what is being paid and when…and discussing everything we have coming up so we don’t forget anything.

I can’t believe that I have kept this going for 23 days.  Suffice it to say I am very proud of myself.  I love that my husband is being my support system for the fitness and the positive thinking.  He is the best.

I am keeping up with my housework too thanks to my little “basic needs priority list”. 

Well, I’m off — I only have 20 minutes left on the internet all day so I am going to check MySpace and my email.  Take care!

Today’s Inspirational Muse Brought To You By:

You Get What You Give – New Radicals
Same Ole Love – Anita Baker
You Really Got Me – Van Halen
Hips Don’t Lie – Shakira (feat. Wyclef Jean)
I Found Someone – Cher
No More Drama – Mary J. Blige
Keep Your Hands To Yourself – Georgia Satellites
Crazy – Gnarls Barkley
I’ve Been Thinking About You – Londonbeat

A New Week

Hi everyone (that’s seriously every ONE because I think that’s how many are reading it LOL).

I had a GREAT weekend in Cincinnati with Kitty!  We had a blast.  There was time for long, therapeutic talks, and then we went to dinner and karaoke.  I sang a couple of great songs that were received well by the crowd.  I got hit on by two or three different guys which I found amusing.  One of them sang a song to me.  I kind of felt bad because I had to tell him I was married!  Poor guy.  I just looked pretty the other night.  I’m not sure what I did different

OTHER THAN EXERCISE AND TAKE CARE OF MYSELF FOR THREE STRAIGHT WEEKS!!!

I am feeling pretty damned good.  I have moments of hesitation and I just push them aside.  I am sticking to something and seeing almost immediate fruits of my labors has made me feel so good about myself. 

I am not losing weight with my 20 minute walks.  I did some reading on it and I am finding that “walking for fitness” experts say for weight loss you should walk 45 to 60 minutes a day.  I am DEFINITELY not up for that length of time right now and I’m not sure if I WANT to walk that long every day at one time.  If I had a treadmill….we might find I feel differently.

Oh – a couple of different people read my aura this weekend — and universally they said I have a bluish/purple aura.  I did some research about aura colors and this is what I found.

=============================================

Blues are some of the most loving, nurturing and supportive personalities of the Life Colors. They live from their heart and emotions. Their purpose for being on the planet is to give love, to teach love and to learn that they are loved. Their priorities are love, relationships, and spirituality.

Blues are traditionally teachers, counselors, and nurses—basically the loving, nurturers and caretakers on the planet. Blues are constantly helping others. They want to make sure that everyone feels loved and accepted. People are always turning to Blues for comfort and counsel because Blues will always be there for them. They consistently provide a shoulder for others to cry on.

Blues are the most emotional personalities in the aura spectrum. They can cry at the drop of a hat. Blues cry when they are happy, hurt, angry, sad, or for no apparent reason at all. Even watching a sentimental commercial on television can bring on tears.

++++++++++

Violets are the inspirational visionaries, leaders and teachers who are here to help save the planet. Most Violets feel drawn to educate the masses, to inspire higher ideals, to improve the quality of life on the planet, or to help save people, animals and the environment.

All Violets have an inner sense that they are here to do something important, that their destiny is greater than that of the average person. Most Violets have felt this way since childhood. As children, many Violets imagined becoming famous, or traveling the planet, possibly joining humanitarian causes such the Peace Corp. Many of these charismatic personalities take on roles as leaders and teachers, while other Violets prefer to reach people through music, film or other art form.

Because this era is currently the “Violet Age,” any Violets who are not accomplishing what they came here to do are experiencing an inner “push” — even an inner “earthquake.” Inner forces seem to be shaking them up and pushing them to move into action, to fulfill their life purpose. Violets know they are here to do something significant. However, they aren’t always sure what that something is or how to accomplish it.

Many Violets were taught as children that their dreams and aspirations were unrealistic, so they have lost touch with their original visions. It’s important for Violets to reconnect with their life purpose and vision, and to take action. Otherwise they will always feel unfulfilled. They will always sense something is missing from their lives. Violets need to learn to slow down long enough to listen to their inner voice and to connect with their higher vision.

===============================================

I have made a new commitment to myself and my family.  I am limiting my time on the internet starting today.  I am also limiting where I go during that limited time.  I have determined that my time on Cafemom causes me more stress than a feeling of community with other mothers.  I am considering dropping out of that site completely but I did make a couple of friends there I don’t know otherwise.  What I *did* do in the interim was drop out of almost ALL of my groups, and especially any group that has topics that cause me anger, anxiety, stress or negative feelings.  I moved that little message box with the most recent message board topics to the bottom of my page so I can’t see it if I come on to journal or read my messages.  AND the new rule is, I can only go and check on Friday morning, no other days of the week.  As far as MySpace goes, I am going to keep my account there because, again, that is how I have contact with a couple other people in my life that I like.  I will check that everyday because generally it doesn’t stress me out to go there.

I am allowing myself 1 hour in the morning and a half hour in the evening.  During that time I will get on sparkpeople and enter all my information and read health articles, etc., get support in my groups, etc.  I will go to my Bipolar support website and talk to my friends there.  I will check my email, read my d-land journals and write in my own journal.  In the evening I will enter my meds and moods into my moodtracker.

My reason for this change is to focus more on my baby and my family, and do more productive things with my time.  Last night, I colored two mandalas from a book I bought.  It’s waxy paper that when you put the pictures up on the windows and the sun shines in, it looks like stained glass.  It was fun and relaxing.  I am also thinking of getting back into crocheting. AND Reading!!!

My plans also include more structured time with Lola.  Getting outside to play, etc.

I wrote some of my friends to see if anyone wanted to have a card/board playing game night once a month.  Once I get replies from a few people I’m going to set it up.

OK – I need to go and get going on the rest of my day.  My internet time allowance is about done.

😀

Today’s Inspirational Muse Provided by:

Come Dancing – The Kinks
Promises – Eric Clapton
I Heard a Rumor – Bananarama
Dance Hall Days – Wang Chung
Cool It Now – New Edition
Ladies Night – Atomic Kitten
No One In The World – Anita Baker