A Few More Days

Well, there are only a few more days until we go on vacation.  I am so looking forward to it; I need time with my sisters, and my husband, and all the kids.

My husband and kids and I are going to be staying in a rental house in Florida, with my sisters L and J, and husbands and kids.  My nephew N and his girlfriend will be there also.  The house is large, has an inground pool and hot tub, and a billiards/game room as well.  It should be very nice for us all to relax and bond.  We are bringing our kayak and picking up L’s kayak as well, so there should be some paddling trips down the channel.  I am also anticipating time on the beach, watching my precious girl build sand castles and enjoy herself.

I have been spending the last week or so preparing for the trip.  To me, one of the major things I do to prepare for a vacation is to clean my house thoroughly, so that when I get home, I’m coming home to a clean and uncluttered house.  It makes it possible to keep the “vacation glow” just a little bit longer.  Coming home to chaos and clutter just makes me quickly lose the buzz!  This time, I did more than just the general straightening-up I normally do, I really have been deep cleaning the house.  When I get home, I am hoping to start fresh with a set routine for myself and the girls this summer.  I also have been reviewing and reworking our budget and think I have come up with some ideas to really help us get our spending in order, and increase our savings.

I know, boring, right?  Sorry!

What else is going on…hm…the fact that all I can tell you about is home routines and budgets is pretty sad.

Princess is finishing her last week as a sophomore.  Next year, she will be a junior and will be driving!  We got her a Jeep Grand Cherokee, but it needs a new engine before she can drive it.  She and her dad are going to spend this summer repairing the Jeep and getting it up and running.  She has to learn a certain list of maintenance tasks for vehicles before her dad will let her get her second level license, and drive on her own.  Already, she has changed the  oil in my van, along with  the air filter.  She has to not only do these things, but remember it so she can do it many times.  Her dad is making sure she has the practice.  The engine building should be excellent bonding time for them and teach her to understand the workings of her car.  Then, hopefully, she won’t be easily taken advantage of when she needs repairs on her vehicles when she is an adult.

Lola is gearing up to start kindergarten next fall.  I am excited for her, and nervous too.  I’m excited because she really needs interaction with kids her own age.  I see her loneliness.  She has a very active imagination and lives in a pretend world most of the time.  She has a LOT of “imaginary” friends.  The little kids next door are very antisocial with anyone but their own siblings.  It’s quite strange.  Lola would love to play with them, but they always seem unavailable.  It hurts her feelings.  I assure her it is not her fault, but there is this little worry inside me that she is so intense they just don’t like playing with her.  I have watched her play with others, and other than a tendency to try to be bossy, I think she is really sweet to other kids.  Yesterday, I went to  my insurance agent’s office and while I was there, the office assistant took her out to the lobby and was coloring pictures with her, and she was so nice to Lola, and Lola really just opened right up and they were just chattering away.  The lady was so good with her, and Lola’s eyes were just sparkling and she was so happy.  She didn’t want to leave.  I would love for her to have a kindergarten teacher like that.  I will not know how she will fare in school until she starts going.  I pray that the teacher realizes how loveable and smart she is, and helps us teach her to know when it is appropriate to interject, and not to interrupt and make it all about her. LOL.

Hubby is working really hard lately, lots of overtime, to help me get our finances in order, and to continue to allow me to stay home with the kids.  I really want to stay home until Lola is in school all day, which looks to be first grade.  When I *do* go back to work, I have absolutely NO idea what I will do.  I do not want to go back into an office environment again.  It really makes me feel claustrophobic.  Right now, I am turning some options around in my mind – either cosmetology school or back to college for another career option.  I would like to do something in the health care field, but I have to be careful what I select.  I’m not good with seeing injuries, etc.  It’s not that I get queasy from blood.  I get upset and I get sympathy pains very intensely when I see a wound.  I have seen some bad ones and have almost been incapacitated from the pain.

I have been told that I am an “empath” – that I am able to share other’s emotions and feelings, including pain.  I believe this is true.  I have always been able to tell 99% of the time, when someone is being dishonest to me, even to the point of just withholding information.  I can feel when someone is in pain even if they don’t say they are hurting.  When someone is angry or upset with me, I get really sick, because I feel my own feelings and I can feel their anger too.  I am very sensitive to other people’s feelings and usually, if I really care about them, I try to be very careful about what I say and how I say it.  Now, I’m not perfect, and I will sometimes say things that I regret.  I have been learning, the hard way, to keep my angry words to myself and give myself time to work through them to see if it is even worth spewing venom at someone else.  I have found this to be very effective, I have fewer regrets nowadays than I have for the past actions I took. And it seems that Lola may have inherited this trait from me – she cannot seem to handle seeing other people in pain.  She often will look at my mom’s finger, which had been partially amputated but has long-since healed, and she will say, “Oh, it hurts me, mamaw!”

But anyway, like I was saying, I would like to do something in the health care field where I would see less injury and still be able to help others.  Possibly as an ultrasound technician, or even an x-ray technician.  I do know that sometimes I will see some injuries as an x-ray tech, but maybe they won’t be as gory.  And even if they are, it’s not like I throw up or anything.  I just get those sympathy pains.  Maybe with time I would have them less?

But cosmetology is a big contender.  I love doing hair and makeup.  I love making someone look beautiful.  Especially working with Princess’s friends, I have been able to give some makeup help to a couple of them and really helped them be able to put their best foot forward in the world.  I love seeing the boost of confidence they have gotten from what I taught them.  I just feel at peace when I am styling someone’s hair.  I wanted to take cosmetology in vocational school when I was in high school, but the class was filled, and so I took secretarial courses instead.  It was my first inclination, and I still like the thought of doing it.  So maybe I should give it a chance!

Well, my little Lola just woke up.  We have some errands to run this morning.  Gotta get those done before Princess gets home.  She’s bringing her boyfriend home to study for the physics exam tomorrow, and they need babysitting! hee hee

Well, everyone, if anyone, who might be reading this, I hope you have a wonderful day!

P.S.  “By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.” – Winston Churchill

Songs to blog by:

Somewhere Only We Know – Keane
We’re In This Love Together – Al Jarreau
Girls – Beastie Boys
No Sleep Til Brooklyn – Beastie Boys
The Longest Time – Billy Joel
Beautiful – Gordon Lightfoot

The once prolific writer goes recluse; makes surprise appearance.

Hi there.  I know, I know, I haven’t written in a while.  I look back on my past writings, years where I wrote two, three, sometimes four entries in a day.  I suppose that has to do with being the mother of a small child.  My time really isn’t my own?  No, that doesn’t ring true.  I think I have lost my voice.  Having a stalker on the internet kind of sucks.  You can’t say what you really think or feel for fear this person will find out your information and spread it around like today’s hottest news.  When I came to wordpress I found that I could password protect entries, and hide myself from internet searches, which is great for keeping the stalker from reading my entries; however, with moving so much, and the reduction in my journal entries, I have lost a lot of my readers and now, blogging seems pointless.  Especially since I am not searchable on the internet, and no one can find my blog “by accident” unless they are surfing through wordpress blogs.

I guess even if I were to make my blog available through public searches, and the stalker found the blog, she still couldn’t access my deepest thoughts because of the password protection.  However, other new blog visitors will miss out on the good stuff as well, as most of my entries have to be password protected for some reason or another.

My daughter, Princess, has started a new blog.  I suggested it to her for a venue to practice her writing skills.  She really loves to write, and we are considering it as a possibility for her to pursue journalism in college.  So far, she is doing well.  If I decide to go public, I will add her to my blogroll.

I am definitely going to try to come and blog more often.  If you are a new reader, message me here for the password for the protected entries and I may give it to you.  Make sure to leave a valid email address.

I will spend more time writing entries about what is going on in my life these days, but at a later date.  Right now, I wanted to comment on the fact that a few months ago, I signed up on Twitter, just to see what it was like.  I really didn’t find it all that interesting, and never used it once I signed up.  So for months, my Twitter account has been inactive, yet almost every day, I receive an email notification that someone else is “following” me on Twitter.  I’m like, did you look at my past tweets and say, this person is witty and fun, so I will follow her for future tweets?  I think not.  Since I have not “tweeted” once.  What  was the protocol you used to decide I was someone to follow?  These are complete strangers, mind you.  Weirdos, I’m thinking.  Usually that’s a compliment in my book, but in this current scenario…it’s definitely not!!

I think I will toy around with my layout and my widgets this afternoon.  I am going to try to put a new daily quote or thought (the “P.S.” section) at the end of each of my entries, along with a playlist of songs I listened to while I blogged.

Fondly,

CG

P.S.  If there were no one to watch them drive by, how many people would buy a Mercedes?

Songs to Blog by:

Have a Cigar – Pink Floyd
Get on the Floor – Michael Jackson
I Don’t Want To Talk About It – Rod Stewart
By The Way – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Parachutes – Coldplay

If Misery Loves Company…Then Why Am I So Lonely?

Ugh.  Wednesday. 

Well, I guess it’s “ugh” NOT because it’s Wednesday but just because it’s just an “ugh” day.

I shouldn’t vilify Wednesday as if it is the culprit.

Let’s see…so far today, I have had a traumatic dentist appointment where I was asked to pay about $100.00 more than I had been told I would owe, and which $100.00 I did not have in cash, check or charge form.  Then, the dental appointment itself…I had my permanent bridge placed in the back over the molar.  When they removed the temporary bridge and started poking around on the live nerve I thought I was going to have to smack a bitch.  Plus, HE told me not to floss around the temporary bridge, and then he is giving me a hard time for not flossing good enough and the gums around that area are very irritated.  OK…THEN he starts putting the sharp metal hooks all down in the gums all around.  How is that going to make them LESS irritated?  He kept saying when the new bridge is in, the porcelain will be down on the gum and will help the area to heal.  Well…they will need longer now because YOU were turning the gums into hamburger for me.  LOL  Plus he was careless and managed to cut my lip in two places.

I am going to get my teeth whitened on February 2.  I hope it isn’t lame and actually shows improvement.  I had a whitening session done at a spa, and it didn’t seem to change anything.  I want beautiful white teeth and if I have to get veneers to have that, I will end up doing that.  I always loved my teeth, they are very nice and straight, even if there is the gap between the front teeth.  Now, I am noticing the discoloration of age, and my teeth are aging as well, you know how that is.  It’s just one more thing that is aging me. UGH.

Onto other subjects…Well, yesterday I managed to make a decent amount of money.  If I can make at least the same amount today and tomorrow, the paycheck may actually be helpful instead of a joke.  I hardly have any hours next week and they are all at 3 to 5 a.m. for the most part so maybe I will be able to work on house projects next week.  If only I had the cash to buy the paint and supplies I need…come on, Jack Frost, bring two or three modest snow storms our way the next couple of days!!!

I am having my “monthly visitor” right now so I guess that may be a part of why I feel like complete and total shit.  Then add in the head cold, fever, and my ears giving me trouble and you have a pleasant person to be around! LOL

The only things making me smile today are thinking of vacations, and seeing my kids smile while we are at Disney World later this year.  I am also contemplating going to the tanning bed a few times because maybe it will make me feel a little less frozen.  I need sunlight in any way I can get it.  I’m not a big tanning bed person and I wouldn’t do it so often that I got to be a raisin.  However, a little color won’t hurt and it sometimes helps my acne to get a little sun. 

If I could have anything right now, at least a modest wish, not the big “win the lottery” type wishes, I would wish for a full spa day including facial, mani and pedi, full hair color and style, 1 hour or more massage, waxing, makeup, etc.  Ah…doesn’t that sound great?  Another modest wish would be to have a bigger bathtub that I could relax in.  My wish for my loved ones would be  to feel more calm and relaxed so I could give them more love, and also some special time with the loved ones of their choice.  It’s lonely for my girls without extended family to spend time with them.  I wish I had decided to have a baby a year or so after Lola, then she would have someone.  I would be crazy, but she would have someone. 

I guess I will get off here and spend some time crocheting.  I’m on a crocheting binge and am planning several more afghans that I will probably not get to before I get burned out again.  I hope I can hang on though, and get at least 2 or 3 done.

Off I go.

Ch-ch-changes…

Yes, I changed my blog layout.  I am feeling like taking risks.  LOL

I am still sticking to my so-called vow of silence, which isn’t truly a vow of complete silence.  I am just zipping my lips and only talking when I absolutely need to, in order to hear what people are saying.  I fell off the wagon a bit earlier today when I was talking to Hubby about some of the different options we currently have for our future.  We discussed the option of staying in Michigan for the time being and trying to build our snow plowing business up further by adding another snow plow, thereby making us an official “fleet”.  If we have any more winter seasons like this one has been, we could afford to travel to warmer climes a few times in the winter and, to be honest, Michigan is quite nice in the summer and fall so I don’t mind being here.

To be even more honest, I don’t mind being here in the winter, not anymore.  I’m used to it.  Since I don’t have to go out in the crap every day other than to transport Lola to and from school, it’s not so bad.  But even driving in the snow is no biggie anymore, I’m used to that too.  I could easily see myself just putting the moving away idea on the shelf, and concentrating on building our business some more and continuing to do the transcription work, and continuing to slowly make improvements to this house and pay down the balance on the mortgage.

I don’t know.  I know Hubby really wants to go somewhere warmer, but I am getting to a more accepting attitude about the whole thing.  If we had a bit better economic situation here, we wouldn’t mind just making the trip to Tennessee or Cincinnati to visit family every other month or so like we used to be able to do. 

What got me thinking about the snow plow business is that we had some snow last night and so our contractor was out running our plow last night.  It was a shorter shift because it wasn’t much snow.  Hubby and I slept in our bed last night and we made about $350.00 after paying our driver contractor.  That is some easy money.  I started thinking if we had two trucks and two drivers, we could be making double that and using that to get ahead. 

I don’t know.  It’s just where my thoughts have been lately and I’m just tired of being on tenterhooks not knowing if we are coming or going.  I just like the steady calm of knowing where you are and what you are working towards.  I like to have a one-year, five-year and ten-year plan in place.  I don’t like having three of each depending on what option we end up taking.  And I don’t like putting all my eggs in one basket on a path we aren’t sure we’re going to get to take.  It’s driving me crazy.

As far as other things, I am still processing the things my therapist said yesterday.  Part of me is mad because it was kind of harsh.  But part of me knows it is the truth and I really just don’t know how to address it and make the changes I need to make.  I felt chastened and basically called on the carpet and everyone knows I can’t stand that feeling.  However, I know I focus too much on what I perceive to be Lola’s problems when they are really my own.  My therapist pointed that out to me quite clearly enough yesterday.  The parallels were stunningly obvious if I had just taken the time to look at it reasonably.  But as my therapist points out, I *think* I am using reason, and I’m totally not.  So I feel even worse about me, although my therapist tells me my biggest challenge is working on my self-esteem.  But she just gave me a big knock down on that.  Kind of one step forward, two steps back.

On the positive side, she countered the “five challenging” things about myself with “five positives” and apparently, I have an amazing sense of humor and a strong drive to improve myself.  Plus, I’m very bright.  When she said that, I wanted to snap, “No, lady, I’m a fucking genius.”  I felt indignant about just being considered bright.  But then, I thought of all the stupid things I’ve done over the years, despite my high I.Q., and I remained silent and did not interrupt her.  Which I am sure she appreciated.  Because apparently, someone like me is “exhausting.”

Is it considered progress when you’re mad at your therapist?

Right now, I feel mad at a lot of people and honestly, I’m sure the feelings are misplaced.  In some cases, I feel let down because individuals have turned out to be not as perfect as I imagined they were.  Others, because I feel they may never change for the better.  Others, because they judge.  I just decided I will take a break from everyone as far as verbal communication goes, and give myself time to get over my feelings of jadedness, and then I can enjoy contact with all those beloved people again.  I just wish everyone could remember we are family and nothing can change that.  I just wish everyone could find happiness in their situation. 

What else is going on?  Hm…let’s see.  Princess is doing great.  I am in the process of hiring a geometry tutor for her, but other than that her studies are going pretty well.  Her personal life is good.  She is not dating anybody yet which is good, and her conversations with “that boy” she was talking to at school have waned, because I think she sees that he may be a bit of a player.  A nice enough acquaintance, but not boyfriend material (at least, I hope that’s what she’s concluded).  She and I are starting a 6-month fitness plan.  By July we hope to meet our goals (just healthy weight, not anything horrible or out of control), and we are going to treat ourselves in grand fashion when we do.  Princess mainly entertains herself by voracious reading, listening to her iPod, or messing around on the computer, or hanging with me.  I am glad I seem to be in the top 4 these days.  I would say she has become one of my best friends because she is just an amazing person and one of the funniest girls I know. 

Lola is an enigma.  She is certainly “bright” as they come.  It becomes more obvious every day that she has been blessed with a surplus of brains.  However, she also has more than her fair share of temper, stubbornness, and O.C.D.  She gets so obsessive-compulsive about some things that literally all hell breaks loose if something happens out of sequence (at least HER sequence).  We are struggling with some of those things but generally she is getting easier and easier to reason with, and I gotta say, she is precious and funny and has such a soft heart underneath all that MOUTH!  Which, I have to admit, is all from her mommy.  That’s my opinion anyway.  I love that kid so much!  I am so proud of her beauty, her brains, her spark.  I just cringe when she spouts off to people in a rude manner.  We are working on it, though.  And we are working on chores, and listening skills (how coincidental?), and eating all foods she is asked to eat.  Last night, for instance, without some small sacrifice of time and standing in the corner for her, she did eat cubed steak, corn, and mashed potatoes for dinner.  The night before she finally succumbed and ate her spaghetti.  Eventually she will realize we intend to call her bluff on this dinner thing.  She needs to eat more than hot dogs and peanut butter sandwiches.

Hubby and I are doing well.  We need to spend more one-on-one time together, as usual, but otherwise we are very much partners and I just love him so much it hurts.  April will mark 10 years we have been “together”.  We have known each other almost 20 years.  Can you believe that?  He bought me an iPod for Christmas, which I am loving so much!  8 gigs and I am using most of them! 🙂

Well, I guess I will go and play Guitar Hero until Princess gets home.  Then, I’ll quickly turn it off and get up and pretend I’ve been working on grown-up, responsible things all day. 😉 ha ha!

Hey, it’s ok

It has been almost a month since my last post.  Because we had gotten so behind in the money department our internet service was cut off.  We don’t have it back up yet but probably in the next week or so. 

Life is otherwise going well.  My new job is stimulating, exciting and HARD.  Kind of like my man. LOL

I love working in the courthouse.  Not only is it cool to be in the courthouse, but by virtue of my job I’m right in the center of all the activity and all the stories, and all the people.  I am enjoying it right now, and trying like crazy to avoid any horror stories of criminal trials but I know that soon that will not be an option.  I have only been in the official position I was hired into, for about a week.  I really enjoy it, and the people I am working with.  I am very sorely missed up in the Probate department too so that is sweet to know.

I am doing some wonderful, special things for myself.  This weekend I am getting my teeth whitened!  And I’m having another skin consultation, and probably will schedule the first few weeks of whatever skin treatment I decide to go with.  Probably microdermabrasion or peels or something.  This is to work on reducing the appearance of the acne scars.  After that I am going to see a local, very well known and respected cosmetic surgeon about getting neck liposuction or a chin or face lift.  😀 

In the meantime, my BIL and SIL found a treadmill for me, and I’m looking for an exercise bike and mini trampoline for my fitness regimen.  I decided that with everything else I have going on, going to a gym is not something I want to try to fit into my day.  With the treadmill I can do walking or running for 30 to 45 minutes before I get ready for work every day.  When I come home from work I’m going to do 30 additional minutes of cardio every other day, and the alternate days some flexibility or strength training. 

My ultimate plan is to get to feeling as good about myself (my appearance, etc.) as possible.  Because a lot of the things that bother me can be worked on.  Thus the plan.

I made a list of all the things I want to do or set into motion as a regular thing and I’m going through it trying to make those things happen.

I got a fabulous new haircut too, and I would love to show you a pic but I am not really feeling like uploading pictures at this time.  It’s SHORT! and it’s all newfangly and shorter in the back than the front.  It’s really quite mod and sexy.  Hubby loves it and I have gotten tons of compliments from everyone. 

Long story short — feeling tons smarter, more valuable, and prettier.  Also feeling tons more tired and when it’s been a long hard day, I am not quite being the nicest mom in the world.  This is something I need to work on. 

I am off meds as of last month.  So far I have not seen the need to go back on.  My doc was going to take me off them soon anyway if I continued to progress because now the doc and my therapist think maybe I’m not so much bipolar as someone who is affected by my environment to an extreme degree.  I have been doing so much better since I went back to work that they feel that this alone should help me get back into a more steady mindset.  So far, it has done just that.

And a few more paychecks coming in should improve our financial situation drastically.  We are well pleased.

Lola is really doing well in daycare, so I think everyone is benefitting from this arrangement.

I love my babies and my man.  They are my world and I’m so glad that everyone seems to be doing well in this situation.

This was supposed to be a quick update but turned out longer than I thought.

I have to go…I have limited time online and I need to check on all my buddies.

CG

Friendship That Catches Fire

Lola woke up at 4 this morning, apparently a bad dream.  I tried everything to get her to go back to sleep either in her bed or mine, but the only thing that worked was to go out to the living room with her, turn on a show with the volume down low, and lay on the couch with her on top of me, and she went to sleep that way.  I, however, could not go to sleep.  I laid there until the alarm clock went off.  I yawned my way through the day. 

Tonight I am trying to get some things done around here — and I am trying to come up with a plan to get things done the night before work so we don’t have to rush around to get out of the door on time, and maybe even be able to sleep a bit more.

Lola seems to be enjoying daycare.  She gets upset when we first leave but she seems really enthusiastic about it otherwise.  Again, I just need to come to terms with myself, because she’s apparently all for it.  I just miss her, and I struggle to get through every day interacting with others, when I would just as soon not.  I also hate getting up in the mornings, I’m always so damned tired.

Work is going ok.  I am getting along good with everyone, and taking on more tasks.  I am hoping that they will start giving me enough to keep busy all day without walking around asking people “Do you have anything for me to do?”  I hate doing that because it makes me feel like I have no worth.  I need to start packing lunch because it’s too cold to go out on the streets to buy lunch so I’ve been buying it in the cafe on the ground floor and it is EXPENSIVE!!!  Delicious, but expensive. 

Oh, another bummer is that I don’t get to see Hubby very much now.  He doesn’t get home from work until after 8, and that is if he doesn’t have overtime.  Last night he didn’t get home until midnight, and I don’t even think I woke up when he came in.  I leave way before he needs to be up.

A good thing though is that as long as traffic moves smoothly, I leave work at 4:30 and can be walking into the daycare to get Lola by 4:50.  This makes me happy.  It’s just a few minutes but I’ll take all the minutes I can grab with my little one!

Princess is doing great – homework galore – but doing well.  She is participating in Drama Club again this year and they are putting on a play in a week or so — she is in Little Women.  She has all of a sudden gotten really interested in sketching and designing fashion.  She’s done a few drawings that are actually very impressive.

Well that’s the update.  Nothing earth shattering.  I’m looking forward to getting my first paycheck.  It will come in handy-as I have done no Christmas shopping as of yet for the kids.  Wish me luck shopping this weekend.

Lastly I shared with my Hubby a wonderful quote, that we both feel describes our relationship perfectly…

“Love is Friendship That Catches Fire.”

Isn’t that beautiful?

CG

Week Update

Hi.

I am sitting around on Saturday, just enjoying being home and being with my daughter.

This week went OK.  My first 3 days of work went OK too; it was pretty much just “peon” work — busy work — filing, copy jobs, etc.  I am sure that they will be wanting me to do other things as I get acclimated, but for now it is just low-end clerical.  I am not sure I would be happy in this kind of position, as my skills would be highly underutilized.  However, it could be a nice foot in the door for getting a job at the Prosecutor’s Office or moving up in the Probate Department. 

Then again, there is something to be said for brainless work that is not too taxing.  If the job just ended up being stuff like this, I could really enjoy not having to work too hard and make a decent wage, along with the excellent governmental benefits. 

I have been enjoying getting out of the house and being around other adults.  I am enjoying feeling useful and productive.  I do enjoy eating lunch by myself outside of the house and being alone with my thoughts like I used to when I was working.  I am less than a block away from the New Age bookstore, so I will probably trek out there next week and spend some time.  I love bookstores like this one; they always inspire me to live my life more consciously and deliberately.  Starbucks is several blocks away, to my chagrin, because getting a hot chocolate every morning would add to my enjoyment even more.

I do like most of my coworkers.  There is this one that seems a bit bitchy at times but she is friendly enough when I approach her to talk.  Apparently this is not her normal behavior (the bitchiness) but she is angry with the supervisor and she is very good at holding a grudge.  And oh wow — I came in yesterday and they were in their Friday staff meeting; and it became VERY heated.  It was this employee and the supervisor, I think.  Raised voices, cussing, etc.  If this is how it is in those meetings I’m not sure if I like that.  I will continue to observe the dynamics between people.  I would sure hate to be thinking this job is something it will not be if I stay permanently.

The hardest part of it all has been missing and worrying about Lola.  I have been calling every day at lunch and I get the report — she is doing great.  She seems to really enjoy it and she wants to go every morning.  When I wake her up and say, “Let’s get ready for school,” she says “OK!” and cheerfully gets up and lets me clean her up.  Once we are gathering things to head out the door she’ll have a moment of unwillingness because she wants to watch TV, but once I get her to the back door to put on her coat she is fine, and eager to go, again.  Once she gets there she takes off her coat and runs off to play with the other kids.  She does cry if she sees me heading out the door but I assume that she gets over it quickly, just like she does when anyone else is babysitting her.

When I call they tell me that she has been eating her snack, eating her lunch, and taking a nap with the rest of the kids.  Yesterday I got a packet of work and art she did during the week and I was really impressed.  I didn’t know she could use scissors and cut things out!!!  They have weekly themes and this week the color was brown, the number was 5 and the letter was S.  I am thinking this is actually working out well for her.  I will continue to watch her and see if she is happy.  OH, they are working with her on the potty training, so that is another good thing.  The fact that they know our family because Princess used to go there for before/after school daycare really helps.  I have a good rapport with them.  This daycare is a family run entity–the mom is the owner, and her son and daughter both work there.  They both have children in the daycare as well.  As a matter of fact, Dan (not his real name), the son’s — daughter seems to be Lola’s special friend.  Her name is Lila.  So it’s Lila and Lola (LOL).

She is happy when I pick her up.  “I am so happy to see you, Mommy!”  She can’t wait to get home and see her sissy and her daddy.  She cries, “I’m Home! I’m Home!” when we pull in the driveway.  And when I ask her if she had fun at school, she says, “Yes.”  So I guess daycare is agreeing with her.  I love her so much.  Being away from her all day is making me appreciate her more.  And there is something to be said about her not being in front of the TV all day long like she has been doing all this time. 

Mornings have been a challenge for us.  I am going to have to get into some sort of routine to make this all go more smoothly.  Four people getting ready at the same time, leaving at the same time, etc.  One bathroom…well needless to say that is amusing to watch.

I have been taking Zoloft for a week now, along with my Lamictal and so far that seems to be helping.  I am feeling much more hopeful and happy with things.  I don’t know how I am going to be able to squeeze in exercise now that I only get 4 hours in the evening with my little one and I don’t want to waste a minute of it.  Getting up earlier is not an option right now because I can barely drag my ass out of bed in the morning as it is.

I think if I can get my house cleaned up today, we can set up the Christmas tree tomorrow when Hubby is off work.

Take care, everyone.

Why God Made Mommies

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

***What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What’s the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Dye it. You know her hair. I’d dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my mom smarter.  Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Hanging in there … End of day 10.26.07

Miles Walked: 1
Minutes Walked: 10
Workout Heart Rate: 120
Strength Training (Yes/No): No
Days Without Soda: 12/365
Days of Doing 50 Crunches:  12
Yoga (Yes/No): No
Glasses Water Drank: 9+

I was running around like crazy today.  I still managed to fit in my 50 crunches, and drink lots of water, and avoid soda, even though people at the dinner table were drinking it.  I ate quite a bit of dinner yet managed to stay under my calories. 

I got a lot of things done – including paying bills, grocery shopping, getting new drivers license and tags, etc.  And that is just the tip of the iceberg. 

I was really stressed last night and just went to bed early because I was feeling overwhelmed by all I had to do today.  But it actually went well and stretched out over the day with no problems.

It is nice to have my sister in town visiting.  We are going to Mackinac tomorrow, so I am really looking forward to that.  The best part is how happy the kids are that they are here.  They are more like grandparents to my kids than aunt and uncle.

Right now, I am really tired, so I am going to go to bed.

I used to be lunatic, from the gracious days…I used to be woebegone…and so restless nights…

My husband and I have been running errands all day since about 7 a.m.  I did not get to walk first thing this morning.  But right before Hubby went to work, I walked for 10 minutes.  Actually I walked 5 and jogged 5.  I do not like jogging, I have reinforced in my mind.  Not good on the old knees.

I was able to make some time to do my 50 crunches, but I have done no stretching today.  Not good for going walking/running earlier, but I didn’t have time and I was feeling kind of low because I hadn’t been outside, so my hubby let me go out for a quick walk and I’m glad because I felt much better after I got back.

I am cleaning, running errands, etc., in anticipation of my sister’s arrival this evening.  I will probably not have much time to get on here over the weekend, but I’m hoping to entice my sister into walking with me.  She is staying at a hotel nearby, but maybe she will walk with me later in the day.

We are going up to Mackinaw Island tomorrow to see the Grand Hotel.  Somewhere in Time is one of my sister’s favorite movies and I’ve been telling her we should go up and see where it was filmed.  I’ve never been over to the island myself, but when I first moved up here, I interviewed for the executive assistant to the owner of the hotel.  If I had taken the job I would have lived in the Grand Hotel 6 months out of the year.  But that would have taken me 4 hours away from my now- hubby and Princess and I wasn’t really keen on that.  I had just moved to Michigan to be close to them because I was 4 hours away in the other direction!  But it would have been nice to live in the Grand Hotel.  Well, now I’ll get to see what I missed.

Little Lola is now experiencing something new — she is painting on the easel with paints and brushes for the first time, and she is quite the artist!  I believe she will be prolific with the artwork, like her big sister was.

Well, I have got to get back to my to-do list!  Have a great weekend.

Today’s Inspirational Muse Brought to you By:

No More I Love You’s — Annie Lennox
Wild West Show – Big & Rich
Barely Breathing – Duncan Sheik
Head to Toe – Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam
Promises – Eric Clapton
Rumors – Timex Social Club

Great Day!

Ladies — Today is going GREAT.

I woke up at 8:20 a.m. and actually got up out of the bed on my own, NO prodding from the hubby, and I got dressed, did my stretches, got ready to go and walked into my bedroom.  My hubby was laying there with his eyes open, and he looked really surprised that I was dressed, mp3 player and timer ready to go.  I said, “I’m outta here, hon.” and he looked really impressed.

Out the door I went.  The music was great on my mp3 player and I was walking fast…I’ve been reading on this great walking website (http://www.thewalkingsite.com/beginner.html) about short and quick strides and visualizing walking a straight line, looking straight ahead and not at the ground, etc.  Also they said the faster you swing your arms, your legs will follow and this works.  The sun was filtering through the trees, so every few steps I would emerge into a shaft of sunlight and it felt so good.  It was chilly, but the sunshine was warm.  I walked without pain for approximately half the walk.  Started to get a bit sore in the second half, but not as bad as it has been previously.  I suspect that this is because of the flexibility exercises I’ve been doing from the previously mentioned walking website.  I just felt happy to be alive, happy that I am sticking to something for the first time in years, and knowing that my husband is proud of me.

I have been working out my plan for weight loss when going in to Phase 2 of the SparkPeople program.  I have figured it out that for the first 10 or 20 lbs I need to keep my calorie intake to no more than 1720 calories per day, and I want to try to burn 200-600 calories per day.  I’m not sure how I am going to structure this, now that we are going into the lovely season of Winter here in Michigan and I am not a penguin so I don’t like being out there too long.

I am planning on making Phase 2 last 12 weeks instead of 6.  I’m going to work for 2 weeks on each of the week’s points so that I can make sure they are embedded in my mind.  I need that extra bit of reinforcement to make sure things stick. 

If I could lose 2 lbs per week, by the time I am out of Phase 2, I could have lost 24 lbs.  That would take me down to 166 lbs., and a lot closer to my first goal of 160.  Once I’m there, I am hoping to get down to 150 or 140.  I think this is a nice weight for me to be, not too skinny, I get to keep my curves that my hubby loves and still be slim enough to wear the things I really enjoy wearing. 

Weight loss has become more of an interest since I have begun this change in my life-style.  I originally started this to work on modulating my mood swings for the bipolar disorder.  I have found without doubt that this is working for that.  These changes I’m making are not only exercise and nutrition, but also being more conscious of how I spend my time and making sure that I take care of my responsibilities as a wife, mother, friend and daughter.  Now that I have proved to myself that this is really helping me emotionally and mentally, and I am starting to see the benefits of consistent exercise and controlling my urge to overeat, I am hoping that my dream of getting back to a sexy body is closer than I had been thinking.  It seemed as far away as the moon.  I figured I couldn’t even meet my basic needs, how the hell could I possibly get fit?  No self control, no determination, no dedication, etc.  But I’m finding that I still have that in me–and the momentum builds as I get up and add another day to the tally of days I have lived this new way.

I am also seeing a definite lack of “fun” in my life, and I am really thinking about what I can do to infuse some enjoyment back into my days.  I mean, hanging out with my kids is fun, but I mean “MY” kind of fun…reading, other hobbies, etc.  It is time.  I am hoping that I can really curb the internet time, and spend that time with my kids, and also making time to seize joy during my days. 

Today for instance, the house is basically straightened up.  I don’t worry too much about the living room because that is where Lola plays.  I clean that up at night before bedtime so we start fresh in the morning.  The rest of the house is straightened, beds made, etc.  Tomorrow I will need to sweep and mop in preparation for my sister’s arrival, although I doubt she really cares about such things.  I will also do a load of laundry today as well, but other than that, housework is done.  It is currently 11:30 a.m. and I do have to run around this afternoon, so my time at home is short.  I have to go to my SIL’s house for 2-3 hours this evening while Princess is attending a babysitting course with her cousin in SIL’s neighborhood.  After that I need to get some groceries in the house this evening before my sister comes tomorrow.

I think I feel a bit uneasy like I’m missing something or should be doing more.  I can’t really see what though.  I am really not in the mood to take on some huge house overhaul or anything.  No special projects other than overhauling myself.  I think I may feel a bit funny about how much time I’m spending on SparkPeople right now but I think in order to effect the changes I’m trying to effect, I need to be on there to help keep my mind focused, or my eyes on the prize, as it were.

I just spend an hour or so going through the site, reading articles, etc.  I go to My SparkPoints page and I basically go down the list and do everything and get my points — but it helps me because I am watching those videos, and reading about nutrition and health conditions, etc.  It stays with me through the day and keeps me more conscious of my health decisions.

Wow, this is long winded.  I guess I should go and live my life today.  Thanks for listening.

Today’s Inspirational Muse brought to you by:

Would I Lie To You? – Eddy & Something or other, the name is screwed up.
Shining Star – Earth, Wind & Fire
Rock Steady – The Whispers
Where Da Party At – Nelly (feat. Jagged Edge)
Last Night I Didn’t Get To Sleep at All – Fifth Dimension
Crazy – Gnarls Barkley
Do Me! – Bell Biv Devoe
The Power – Snap