Daily Prompt: Teacher’s Pet

Tell us about a teacher who had a real impact on your life, either for the better or the worse. How is your life different today because of him or her?

via Daily Prompt: Teacher’s Pet.

I have had many really good teachers in my life, but the one that comes to the forefront of my mind was my elementary school librarian – Mrs. Rayburn.  Our friendship blossomed because of an unusual situation; my elementary school had a lady come in once a week and tell bible stories in class. Because of my unusual biblical education as a Kindergartner, I often ended up in theological disputes with this little old lady. Because of that, she wouldn’t have me in the classroom when she told her bible stories, so from that point on, I spent those days in the Library with Mrs. Rayburn. I could already read in Kindergarten, and she took that ability and turned it into a serious love of literature. We began to meet before school every morning, to review the book I had taken home the night before and to get a new book for that night. I devoured everything she gave me. By the end of that year, I was already reading James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl and other young fiction. That love of reading has never left me. In addition, Mrs. Rayburn became a fixture in my life outside of school, as I would often be invited to spend weekends at her home with her and Mr. Rayburn. You see, Mrs. Rayburn was estranged from her son, because he had embraced the very religion I was raised in. I feel really good because I helped her understand the religion more, and to become reconciled with her son after she realized it wasn’t bad, like she had been predisposed to believe. She had a real affection for me, and the feeling was mutual. She took on the role of a grandparent to me, as all my grandparents were passed on by the time I was 3 or 4 years old. I stayed in touch with her over the years, even after I moved away from Appalachia and to Cincinnati. I loved her dearly and respected what she did.

A little bit more about Inez (that’s her first name): She was a teacher in one-room schoolhouses when my parents were little. She taught my father in the 40’s in one of those schoolhouses, and she had to travel a long way each direction just to teach there. She was head librarian over several schools and often traveled from school to school visiting the libraries.

Now, as an adult and a parent, I have been volunteering in our elementary media center for three years. Every day that I’m there, helping children find literature to light up their imaginations, shelving books, setting up displays to catch their eyes, I feel Mrs. Rayburn with me. She always went above and beyond her simple duties as an educator and loved all the kids she worked with.

The once prolific writer goes recluse; makes surprise appearance.

Hi there.  I know, I know, I haven’t written in a while.  I look back on my past writings, years where I wrote two, three, sometimes four entries in a day.  I suppose that has to do with being the mother of a small child.  My time really isn’t my own?  No, that doesn’t ring true.  I think I have lost my voice.  Having a stalker on the internet kind of sucks.  You can’t say what you really think or feel for fear this person will find out your information and spread it around like today’s hottest news.  When I came to wordpress I found that I could password protect entries, and hide myself from internet searches, which is great for keeping the stalker from reading my entries; however, with moving so much, and the reduction in my journal entries, I have lost a lot of my readers and now, blogging seems pointless.  Especially since I am not searchable on the internet, and no one can find my blog “by accident” unless they are surfing through wordpress blogs.

I guess even if I were to make my blog available through public searches, and the stalker found the blog, she still couldn’t access my deepest thoughts because of the password protection.  However, other new blog visitors will miss out on the good stuff as well, as most of my entries have to be password protected for some reason or another.

My daughter, Princess, has started a new blog.  I suggested it to her for a venue to practice her writing skills.  She really loves to write, and we are considering it as a possibility for her to pursue journalism in college.  So far, she is doing well.  If I decide to go public, I will add her to my blogroll.

I am definitely going to try to come and blog more often.  If you are a new reader, message me here for the password for the protected entries and I may give it to you.  Make sure to leave a valid email address.

I will spend more time writing entries about what is going on in my life these days, but at a later date.  Right now, I wanted to comment on the fact that a few months ago, I signed up on Twitter, just to see what it was like.  I really didn’t find it all that interesting, and never used it once I signed up.  So for months, my Twitter account has been inactive, yet almost every day, I receive an email notification that someone else is “following” me on Twitter.  I’m like, did you look at my past tweets and say, this person is witty and fun, so I will follow her for future tweets?  I think not.  Since I have not “tweeted” once.  What  was the protocol you used to decide I was someone to follow?  These are complete strangers, mind you.  Weirdos, I’m thinking.  Usually that’s a compliment in my book, but in this current scenario…it’s definitely not!!

I think I will toy around with my layout and my widgets this afternoon.  I am going to try to put a new daily quote or thought (the “P.S.” section) at the end of each of my entries, along with a playlist of songs I listened to while I blogged.

Fondly,

CG

P.S.  If there were no one to watch them drive by, how many people would buy a Mercedes?

Songs to Blog by:

Have a Cigar – Pink Floyd
Get on the Floor – Michael Jackson
I Don’t Want To Talk About It – Rod Stewart
By The Way – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Parachutes – Coldplay

Protected: Starting Over All Over Again

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If Misery Loves Company…Then Why Am I So Lonely?

Ugh.  Wednesday. 

Well, I guess it’s “ugh” NOT because it’s Wednesday but just because it’s just an “ugh” day.

I shouldn’t vilify Wednesday as if it is the culprit.

Let’s see…so far today, I have had a traumatic dentist appointment where I was asked to pay about $100.00 more than I had been told I would owe, and which $100.00 I did not have in cash, check or charge form.  Then, the dental appointment itself…I had my permanent bridge placed in the back over the molar.  When they removed the temporary bridge and started poking around on the live nerve I thought I was going to have to smack a bitch.  Plus, HE told me not to floss around the temporary bridge, and then he is giving me a hard time for not flossing good enough and the gums around that area are very irritated.  OK…THEN he starts putting the sharp metal hooks all down in the gums all around.  How is that going to make them LESS irritated?  He kept saying when the new bridge is in, the porcelain will be down on the gum and will help the area to heal.  Well…they will need longer now because YOU were turning the gums into hamburger for me.  LOL  Plus he was careless and managed to cut my lip in two places.

I am going to get my teeth whitened on February 2.  I hope it isn’t lame and actually shows improvement.  I had a whitening session done at a spa, and it didn’t seem to change anything.  I want beautiful white teeth and if I have to get veneers to have that, I will end up doing that.  I always loved my teeth, they are very nice and straight, even if there is the gap between the front teeth.  Now, I am noticing the discoloration of age, and my teeth are aging as well, you know how that is.  It’s just one more thing that is aging me. UGH.

Onto other subjects…Well, yesterday I managed to make a decent amount of money.  If I can make at least the same amount today and tomorrow, the paycheck may actually be helpful instead of a joke.  I hardly have any hours next week and they are all at 3 to 5 a.m. for the most part so maybe I will be able to work on house projects next week.  If only I had the cash to buy the paint and supplies I need…come on, Jack Frost, bring two or three modest snow storms our way the next couple of days!!!

I am having my “monthly visitor” right now so I guess that may be a part of why I feel like complete and total shit.  Then add in the head cold, fever, and my ears giving me trouble and you have a pleasant person to be around! LOL

The only things making me smile today are thinking of vacations, and seeing my kids smile while we are at Disney World later this year.  I am also contemplating going to the tanning bed a few times because maybe it will make me feel a little less frozen.  I need sunlight in any way I can get it.  I’m not a big tanning bed person and I wouldn’t do it so often that I got to be a raisin.  However, a little color won’t hurt and it sometimes helps my acne to get a little sun. 

If I could have anything right now, at least a modest wish, not the big “win the lottery” type wishes, I would wish for a full spa day including facial, mani and pedi, full hair color and style, 1 hour or more massage, waxing, makeup, etc.  Ah…doesn’t that sound great?  Another modest wish would be to have a bigger bathtub that I could relax in.  My wish for my loved ones would be  to feel more calm and relaxed so I could give them more love, and also some special time with the loved ones of their choice.  It’s lonely for my girls without extended family to spend time with them.  I wish I had decided to have a baby a year or so after Lola, then she would have someone.  I would be crazy, but she would have someone. 

I guess I will get off here and spend some time crocheting.  I’m on a crocheting binge and am planning several more afghans that I will probably not get to before I get burned out again.  I hope I can hang on though, and get at least 2 or 3 done.

Off I go.

Snooping in my daughter’s room

Because that’s what I do.  I snoop in her room sometimes just to make sure there’s nothing blatantly going on that needs to be addressed.  Her room is messy, as usual.  However, on the floor by her chair, I see a folder entitled “[Princess]’s Poetry Folder – English”.  Apparently it was a section they were working on in English.  I open it to look at the poems inside and I find this:

“Sally [that’s me], sometimes your temper is buzzing.
But you can be really sweet to.
You are sweet and funny and you have small feet.
I love it when you laugh.
You love to be on the computer and I ask if I can
play on the internet.
You are so funny and cute as a bunny.
I am glad you don’t hiss and only kiss.
I love when you are happy and I love your pappy.
The size of your feet doesn’t matter though.
‘It doesn’t matter when you get batter
on the floor, but please wipe it up.’
You take me to King’s Island
and other fun places, you have a fast pace
it is hard to keep up.
I love to be around you.
You are fun to jetski with just like daddy.
You sometimes hop just for fun,
so do I.
I hope you have a happy time.”

I am in tears.  I have never known her to actually use me as a subject for any kind of writing in class and I think it is sweet that she wrote this about me.  I can’t stop crying and I can’t wait for her to get home.  I just want to love that kid up.

Protected: I have a lot of entries entitled “Sigh”, but that seems to fit here as well.

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“I stumbled into town…just like a sacred cow…”

I don’t know why I titled this entry like that, except that I am listening to David Bowie and his lyrics give me such joy.

Well, the rain has stopped for a while, and the sun is out, big fluffy clouds floating overhead.  I am in my lovely office…just thought I’d write ANOTHER update.

Today I had an EMG to diagnose my problem with my left hand.  They did find a pinched nerve in my elbow; he classified it as “severe”.  It is the cubital tunnel syndrome, so I will go back to the doctor and we will form a game plan.  I hope that game plan does not involve immobilizing my left arm for any length of time.  How will I be able to pick up Lola or do my typing?

I finished the last stage of the hiring process with SpeakWrite.  I turned in my sample jobs and they will be looked over and I will be given an opportunity to fix any mistakes; then they will let me know if I am hired or not.  Please, say a prayer that I get this job.  It is exactly what I have been looking for in a job, for so long.  It’s based at home, I don’t have to even put on a stitch of makeup, and I don’t have to deal with arrogant attorneys or even anyone face to face.  I do my work then I sign off.  It’s exactly what I want.  No more taking my work home with me emotionally.  Just type it and let it go.

I need to get my house cleaned up, laundry done and car cleaned out before we leave to go to Cincinnati on Friday.  I will get started on that now.  I just thought I’d let you know those little tidbits.

Protected: OMG! Update!

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Ok, so I give up on giving up.

*sigh*.

I am just trying to keep afloat through a downswing.

However, I am just taking some time this weekend to babystep my way to getting some of this weight of stress off me.  Little things that are just geting in my way as far as concentrating on my plans for the future.

Clean my house.  Do my laundry.  Get the clutter and the chaos out of my face.

It’s kind of hard to do when your daughter has a raging ear infection in both ears.  And now the hubby is sick too.  The big girl went to her best friend’s birthday slumber party so she’s not here, and its probably for the best.  Her mom took 5 bottles of pills and tried to kill herself last Sunday.  We only just found out about it yesterday (Friday).  Princess is broken hearted and feeling pretty betrayed – both the fact that her mother did that and the fact that no one would tell her what was going on just because they didn’t want Hubby and Me to know.  It really sucks. 

At any rate, I’m hoping the Succubus stays in medical treatment somewhere and gets some help; although that has not worked for her the last 5 to 7 times she’s attempted this.  One thing I must say is that she has never taken these many pills before, so I’m thinking for once she really meant to do it.  As bad as I have felt, I can sympathize with her for feeling that hopeless.  I’ve been there, and I’ve been there in the recent past.  However, every time my mind started to stray down the path of “not wanting to live anymore” I would remember that there were indeed people who, although they could manage without me, I could not deny that my doing something like that would hurt them tremendously.  When I would think about the ripples in the pond that my suicide would have made — made me realize I do have some value in this world and the fact that I have so much love for those people that I would never want to give them even a mild bit of pain with  my passing, makes me realize life is worth living.  A good time with them once every few months is worth all the rest of the mundane days, and the crappy days, and the despairing day every now and then. 

So although they don’t know it – these people saved my life, and will continue to do so; because of them, I know my life is way more good than bad: Hubby, Princess, Lola, Kitty, Mom, Dad, Lois, Jim, Nate, Tiffy, Joey, Brian, June, Tina, TayTay, Stewart, my other nieces and nephews, even my SIL and BIL, my cousins, Nicole, Kath, even my online precious friends Y and Karen and others.  I guess that’s a pretty good list of people.  This shows me I’ve done something in my life that I can be proud of.  I have the love and/or friendship of all these wonderful people.  I have two beautiful daughters.  I have a wonderful husband. 

I often feel unworthy – that I have nothing real to contribute anymore.  I often feel like people would be better off without me sucking the life out of them, or whatever.  I feel guilt  for needing more than I think I should.  I get so tired of slogging through life every day, never having enough money, always worrying about where our family is going next, worrying about whether or not I’m ever going to find the peace within that I crave.  How I will find the energy and the drive to do the things my heart and soul long to do.  Sometimes I get so frustrated that the thought I wish I didn’t exist goes through my mind just because it’s such hard work to just live today.  But the thought never goes far.  And that can be frustrating too because sometimes I feel so bad, because I’m *pinned* here!  But ultimately, that’s the best thing in my life.

Right now I am reconsidering the job I have taken.  It is very stressful and I’m not sure if that is the best thing for me.  I really need to decide if the extra $ from this position is worth the stress of it all.  I’m not certain that it is.  Hubby and I really need to talk this through and figure out what is best for us as a family and me as a mom.  The ultimate solution would be to get the damned transfer to Tennessee anytime soon!!!

Well, I am going to get off here – I am making progress around the house so I better take advantage of that.

Songs to blog by tonight:

Lady – Styx
Barely Breathing – Duncan Sheik
Respect Yourself – Bruce Willis
Southern Cross – CSN&Y
Can’t Stop – After 7
Big Log – Robert Plant

Hey, it’s ok

It has been almost a month since my last post.  Because we had gotten so behind in the money department our internet service was cut off.  We don’t have it back up yet but probably in the next week or so. 

Life is otherwise going well.  My new job is stimulating, exciting and HARD.  Kind of like my man. LOL

I love working in the courthouse.  Not only is it cool to be in the courthouse, but by virtue of my job I’m right in the center of all the activity and all the stories, and all the people.  I am enjoying it right now, and trying like crazy to avoid any horror stories of criminal trials but I know that soon that will not be an option.  I have only been in the official position I was hired into, for about a week.  I really enjoy it, and the people I am working with.  I am very sorely missed up in the Probate department too so that is sweet to know.

I am doing some wonderful, special things for myself.  This weekend I am getting my teeth whitened!  And I’m having another skin consultation, and probably will schedule the first few weeks of whatever skin treatment I decide to go with.  Probably microdermabrasion or peels or something.  This is to work on reducing the appearance of the acne scars.  After that I am going to see a local, very well known and respected cosmetic surgeon about getting neck liposuction or a chin or face lift.  😀 

In the meantime, my BIL and SIL found a treadmill for me, and I’m looking for an exercise bike and mini trampoline for my fitness regimen.  I decided that with everything else I have going on, going to a gym is not something I want to try to fit into my day.  With the treadmill I can do walking or running for 30 to 45 minutes before I get ready for work every day.  When I come home from work I’m going to do 30 additional minutes of cardio every other day, and the alternate days some flexibility or strength training. 

My ultimate plan is to get to feeling as good about myself (my appearance, etc.) as possible.  Because a lot of the things that bother me can be worked on.  Thus the plan.

I made a list of all the things I want to do or set into motion as a regular thing and I’m going through it trying to make those things happen.

I got a fabulous new haircut too, and I would love to show you a pic but I am not really feeling like uploading pictures at this time.  It’s SHORT! and it’s all newfangly and shorter in the back than the front.  It’s really quite mod and sexy.  Hubby loves it and I have gotten tons of compliments from everyone. 

Long story short — feeling tons smarter, more valuable, and prettier.  Also feeling tons more tired and when it’s been a long hard day, I am not quite being the nicest mom in the world.  This is something I need to work on. 

I am off meds as of last month.  So far I have not seen the need to go back on.  My doc was going to take me off them soon anyway if I continued to progress because now the doc and my therapist think maybe I’m not so much bipolar as someone who is affected by my environment to an extreme degree.  I have been doing so much better since I went back to work that they feel that this alone should help me get back into a more steady mindset.  So far, it has done just that.

And a few more paychecks coming in should improve our financial situation drastically.  We are well pleased.

Lola is really doing well in daycare, so I think everyone is benefitting from this arrangement.

I love my babies and my man.  They are my world and I’m so glad that everyone seems to be doing well in this situation.

This was supposed to be a quick update but turned out longer than I thought.

I have to go…I have limited time online and I need to check on all my buddies.

CG

I miss *us*

I am definitely in a down time.  I did, however, express to my husband that I felt like he and I needed to reconnect in a “romantic” way because I feel like he and I are not as close as we have been as far as that sort of thing goes.  He has been great to me lately, very supportive of the things I’m trying to do to change my life, but as far as feeling like we are in love with each other, that feeling has not surfaced in a while on BOTH of our parts.  I know he loves me, and I am just feeling that maybe my declining beauty and getting older is really affecting his attraction to me.  Plus the weight and all that.  I don’t *feel* sexy so I don’t want to have sex, etc.

I have been focusing too much on that lbs number.  I kind of lost sight of why I started working out and taking better care of myself in the first place.  It wasn’t about getting skinny.  It was about getting *healthy*.  If I am feeling healthier — that is, less pain, more energy, better moods, etc. — THAT is the goal.  Not a number on the scale.  If I achieve the goals and I’m still a size 16 then that is going to have to be OK.  I cannot happily focus on something like that.  I have to find my beauty no matter where I am.  If as a side effect of living a bit healthier, I lose some weight, then fine.  But that cannot be the purpose. 

It has disappointed me that I am having to watch my calories SO damned closely.  I can’t do that.  I am going to continue to track my food, and try to stay within the caloric range.  I am trying to include lots of water, veggies and fruit, and protein in the mix; less carbs; but I’m not going to obsess over it.  I’m going to try to focus on getting more exercise…and worrying a bit less about eating rabbit food all day, every day.  This is not to say that I am going to go hog wild and eat junk food all the time again.  I know that is bad for me.  That is counterproductive to the “feeling better” mission. 

I have noticed that when I go a few days without drinking lots of water, my newly cleared-up skin starts breaking out like crazy.  I get canker sores in my mouth, my skin gets even drier than normal, etc.  So I know that water is absolutely imperative.  And I have been going kind of crazy with the pop drinking.  Because it is in the house.  Now that it is all gone (thanks to my binging), I can start over with that. 

I actually really enjoyed myself when I was holding out my streak on not drinking pop, and doing crunches every day, etc.  And I do enjoy doing cardio.  I wish I enjoyed strength training a bit more.  I hate doing it.  I hate calisthenics, and I hate dumbbells.  This is where I wish I was using circuit training machines.  Maybe if I had a workout bench, etc., and a specific place set aside for me to work out it would be easier.

I wish I could have time every day to do 45 minutes of (enjoyable) cardio, and 20 minutes of yoga.  The yoga I would prefer to do in the evening.  I *could* do it at night but after I put Lola to bed, I’m just so tired I want to sit and have a quiet moment or just go to bed.  I would do even more cardio if I could because I know it will benefit me.  The strength training I know I should do every other day 3 x a week.  It is just SO boring and hard to do when I have to look at the computer screen for every exercise and try to use things around the house for stability or balance. 

This has nothing to do with my mood except that I know that my lack of activity or structure really affects my feelings. 

After I shared with my husband today that I feel lonely and I miss our love and our chemistry, he came home with a card and flowers.  I love him.  I know he loves me and I just want to know that he still adores me like he used to.  I feel so scared that these inches of extra weight on me are draining his attraction to me.  And since I know my birth control pills are sapping all my libido our sex life has been nil lately.  I am switching back to my old pill at the end of this pack. 

I think I need to take a bit of time for myself — I mean, to spend a little time on being a *girly girl* and recharge my feminine batteries so to speak.  I need to color my hair, I need to get a pedicure, I need to go through my clothes and get all the prettiest stuff out for wearing.  I need some new shoes (as we’ve discussed), and I’d LOVE a little extra money to get some good outdoor walking clothes, and some Bare Essentials makeup.  Oh, wouldn’t that be lovely.

Money would help.  A lot.  As usual.

October 2007 Report Card

ACCOMPLISHMENTS FOR OCTOBER 

Days Walked:  23/31
Days Strength Trained: 6/31
Days Belly Danced: 2/31
Days I Did 50 Ab Crunches: 13/31
Days I Didn’t Drink Soda: 12/31
Miles Walked: 49
Minutes Walked: 589
Minutes Of Other Exercise: 197 

Started using SparkPeople to track food and exercise – used it 28 out of 30 days so far. 

Started using MoodTracker (late September) to track my moods and medications.  Have used it 40 days so far. 

Cleaned My House: 20 out of 30 days. 

Other Accomplishments: 

Cleaned off patio and furniture/toys etc.

Saw major improvement in bipolar disorder symptoms.  

Cleaned out Princess’ closet 

Set up really good daily routine 

Visited Cincinnati for a weekend with Kitty

Learned a lot about myself and my strengths/weaknesses.

Done Wallowing

Ok, I’m done wallowing, I think. 

As regards the birthday.  Hubby did mention it like I said, when he brought me my McDonald’s breakfast sandwich (a weakness I sometimes indulge), he said it was a birthday sandwich.  That was the only mention all day.  He got home at 8:30 p.m. and I had to go right out the door to take Princess to the Halloween store to get some last minute things to go with her costume.  I also bought Lola’s costume while I was there.  Nothing big just a $15 purple leopard costume.

Anyway, we were heading home around 9:15 or 9:30 p.m. and at that point Princess had not mentioned my birthday all day.  She truly forgot.  It just wasn’t as important to her as her “real” mom’s birthday.  That is obvious.  One of my friends, to whom I have not been able to talk to for a couple of years (lives in California), called to wish me happy birthday and I guess Princess caught on from my end of the conversation that it was my birthday (for 3 more whole hours).  As we are walking in the house, once again with her hands full of stuff I bought her, she found it in her heart to say in a monotone, “Happy Birthday Liz.”  I said, “Thank you, Princess.” and just continued to go into the house.  At this point I had not heard from my mom and a couple of my siblings that celebrate birthdays so I was feeling pretty unloved and underappreciated by my family.  (Of course my best friends and niece can always be counted on to remember, but anyway…)  I retreated into the bedroom to cry a little bit and there was a card on my bed.

It was from Hubby and although the words were sweet, I felt really sad anyway, because I didn’t WANT a card.  I WANTED to be acknowledged, I wanted a little extra tenderness to make my day more special.  I KNOW we don’t have any money to buy presents, and that isn’t what it is about.  I just wanted a little extra love, but I actually got less that day than I normally do.  I laid there for a while and wallowed, but I could hear them in the other room whispering about me.  Whatever.  Then Princess couldn’t figure out where some items were for her costume (which I knew I was going to have to create myself anyway because she acts completely helpless sometimes, it is annoying).  I got up and found them and when I came into the room there was another card from Hubby. 

I don’t know why the cards made me feel worse, but they did.  Because I felt that there was no real thought put into it.  Almost like a last minute thing on his way home.  And he only knew to do that because he had talked to me a couple times during the day and I was really sad and wasn’t able to hide it in the tone of my voice. 

As far as Princess goes, it just burns my ass that I do everything for her and every time she hurts me or sells me short, or expects more out of me than anyone should, I forgive her and continue to jump through (fiery) hoops for her every day.  I don’t know many moms who would do for their kids the things I do for her.  I just want to give my kids everything, I want their every day to be a miracle.  But I guess I have made a mistake, because I feel every day that she loves me less and less.  And loves herself more and more.  I don’t know how I can fix this.  I’m sure this is just teenage stuff, but it still hurts that she can go through all this special trouble to do something for her mom’s birthday, and talks to her all sweet and tenderly on HER birthday but I get NOTHING. 

Yesterday afternoon I finally decided to tell Hubby how I felt about Princess and him and the non event of my birthday, and he acted like a jerk of course.  As usual, he tries to turn it around and make it my fault.  He even said he said “Happy Birthday” to me several times during the day, but girls, he is a lying butthead because he did not.  I think he is on crack or something.  LOL.  He hung up on me.  Then later, he acted like his phone died.  SURE, hon.  SURE. 

Ok, maybe getting mad about this is immature.  This kind of thing has never bothered me before and I don’t know why it is bothering me now.  I have been working so hard to be the best person I can be, and a good portion of why is because I wanted to be better for the two of THEM.  But apparently I’m not good or special enough to make my birthday special in any way.  What is sad is that TayTay, whom I have had nothing good to say about for over a month, REMEMBERED TO CALL ME AND WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY right after school.  Sad, huh?

So yeah, this has made my waning motivation disappear entirely.  Tomorrow is 11/1/07, when I am supposed to start Stage 2 of my SparkPeople health plan.  I have not logged on to SparkPeople since Saturday.  I haven’t watched my food, and I didn’t walk today, and I haven’t done crunches since Friday.  I haven’t done anything.  Yes, my sister’s visit distracted me and threw me off my momentum.  We spent a lot more money than we should have, and now we’re pretty much flat broke until NEXT Friday. 

So all of those things have discouraged me, and I can definitely see the effects of the lack of exercise and structure in my days.  I feel as bad as I did before I started my health and lifestyle changes a month ago. 

So I add to all this badness the need to forgive myself for not having the self determination to stick with it.  Even temporarily.  Because I fully intend to get back on track.  Now it is just for me, and to hell with “being a better person” for anyone else but me and Lola. 

And yes, in case you’re wondering, I am on my period so I’m sure this is coloring my feelings.

I do love my husband and I know he loves me, and I love my STEPdaughter and I know she loves me in her way.  But I think I am being taken for granted a bit at least by her.  As far as Hubby goes, I don’t see what I do that he could take for granted except take care of the kids.  I just feel like he doesn’t love me as much as he used to.  Maybe it is the fact that he has to deal with my depressions.  I feared that it would cause him to love me less, and from the angle I’m looking at now, I feel that it is. 

Well, journaling today was part of my “basic needs” checklist, which I bit the bullet and opened and am trying to get through as much of it as I can although I didn’t start it until 12:45 p.m.  I felt a journal entry was necessary to let people know what went down on my birthday.  And yesterday other than my argument with Hubby, I spent the afternoon decking my ungrateful STEPdaughter out for her Halloween dance, which I went through a lot of trouble working out a deal with her dad that she could be TEMPORARILY UNGROUNDED to be able to go to.  Because I am nice that way but this is not recognized or appreciated. 

Sometimes I feel so sad and despairing about the fact that Princess does not love me the way I had hoped she would (as much as I have loved her), I just want to leave, divorce Hubby and let him just raise her on his own.  She’d probably be happier that way because I feel like she dislikes me more than she likes me.

And that is where I am right now.  I have more of my checklist to do so I will go now.  And my daughter Lola wants me to hug her.  At least someone loves me.