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Until It Is Carved In Stone [an Excerpt from Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach]

It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth — and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up — that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.
~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Visiting old cemeteries can be very illuminating. They are so still and silent. So quiet. Old cemeteries remind us that until it is carved in stone, realizing our heart’s desire is possible every day if we recognize what it is that makes us happy.

In Thornton Wilder’s play Our Town a deeply poignant scene takes place in a graveyard. Ghosts comfort the young heroine, who has recently died in childbirth. Emily, still longing for the life she has just left, wishes to revisit it one ordinary, “unimportant” day in her life. When she gets her wish, she realizes how much the living take for granted.

Eventually her visit is too much for her to bear. “I didn’t realize,” she confesses mournfully, “all that was going on and we never noticed … Good-by, world. Good-by, Grover’s Corners … Mama and Papa. Good-by to clocks ticking … and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths … and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you’re too wonderful for anybody to realize you.”

This is the season of Epiphany, when the renewal of light and revelation are celebrated in the liturgy of the Catholic, Episcopal, and Eastern Orthodox churches. On our new path we seek everyday epiphanies — occasions on which we can experience the Sacred in the ordinary — and come to the awakening, as Emily finally does, that we cannot longer afford to throw away even one “unimportant” day by not noticing the wonder of it all. We have to be willing to discover and then appreciate the authentic moments of happiness available to all of us every day.

[excerpted from the book Simple Abundance; A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach]

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I have to center myself.

I feel the inactivity of this blog really reflects the inactivity in my life. I have been at a basic standstill since Lola was born. I have gotten out of the writing habit, my home has descended into chaos, and I am at a low point health-wise. Emotionally, I am dealing with feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and am overwhelmed by all I feel I should be doing. Overwhelmed by the thought of digging myself and my home out of this mountain of, well, shit that is burying me. Financially, I have not been doing what I know I should be doing, I have not been a good manager of our household funds and my fear and anxiety related to money have caused me to often procrastinate on paying our bills in a timely manner. I hate to sit down and face it. In fact, that’s what I should be doing right now, but instead I am writing in this blog that I haven’t touched in a year.

I guess this is just my soul’s way of telling me that I want things to be better now. I want it to be more purposeful and I want to do the work necessary to eliminate these feelings of panic, anxiety, overwhelmed-ness, and the only way I can do that is to just GET STARTED. I guess I can come back to this blog as part of the life raft I will need to make the changes I desperately need to make.

I’m scared though. I’m scared I won’t be able to stick with it. Not sure how I should approach the changes. There are so many that ultimately need to be made. I’m screwed up in almost every facet of my life. I guess I just need to start working on what’s bothering me the most.

So, off I go. I will also cling to the life raft of FlyLady to help me not give up. I will go fetch my timer now, and face my fate. Wish me luck. Hopefully I will make some progress and then I can come back and write about all the good things I do have in my life. Until I dig myself out of all this, I can’t really enjoy those things.

The once prolific writer goes recluse; makes surprise appearance.

Hi there.  I know, I know, I haven’t written in a while.  I look back on my past writings, years where I wrote two, three, sometimes four entries in a day.  I suppose that has to do with being the mother of a small child.  My time really isn’t my own?  No, that doesn’t ring true.  I think I have lost my voice.  Having a stalker on the internet kind of sucks.  You can’t say what you really think or feel for fear this person will find out your information and spread it around like today’s hottest news.  When I came to wordpress I found that I could password protect entries, and hide myself from internet searches, which is great for keeping the stalker from reading my entries; however, with moving so much, and the reduction in my journal entries, I have lost a lot of my readers and now, blogging seems pointless.  Especially since I am not searchable on the internet, and no one can find my blog “by accident” unless they are surfing through wordpress blogs.

I guess even if I were to make my blog available through public searches, and the stalker found the blog, she still couldn’t access my deepest thoughts because of the password protection.  However, other new blog visitors will miss out on the good stuff as well, as most of my entries have to be password protected for some reason or another.

My daughter, Princess, has started a new blog.  I suggested it to her for a venue to practice her writing skills.  She really loves to write, and we are considering it as a possibility for her to pursue journalism in college.  So far, she is doing well.  If I decide to go public, I will add her to my blogroll.

I am definitely going to try to come and blog more often.  If you are a new reader, message me here for the password for the protected entries and I may give it to you.  Make sure to leave a valid email address.

I will spend more time writing entries about what is going on in my life these days, but at a later date.  Right now, I wanted to comment on the fact that a few months ago, I signed up on Twitter, just to see what it was like.  I really didn’t find it all that interesting, and never used it once I signed up.  So for months, my Twitter account has been inactive, yet almost every day, I receive an email notification that someone else is “following” me on Twitter.  I’m like, did you look at my past tweets and say, this person is witty and fun, so I will follow her for future tweets?  I think not.  Since I have not “tweeted” once.  What  was the protocol you used to decide I was someone to follow?  These are complete strangers, mind you.  Weirdos, I’m thinking.  Usually that’s a compliment in my book, but in this current scenario…it’s definitely not!!

I think I will toy around with my layout and my widgets this afternoon.  I am going to try to put a new daily quote or thought (the “P.S.” section) at the end of each of my entries, along with a playlist of songs I listened to while I blogged.

Fondly,

CG

P.S.  If there were no one to watch them drive by, how many people would buy a Mercedes?

Songs to Blog by:

Have a Cigar – Pink Floyd
Get on the Floor – Michael Jackson
I Don’t Want To Talk About It – Rod Stewart
By The Way – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Parachutes – Coldplay

Thoughts and Ruminations

OK, this is just going to be a stream-of-consciousness thing so bear with me.

1) Since I quit my job on February 4, everyone recovered from their illnesses within just a couple of days, and haven’t been sick since.  Hm………

2) We got a motorcycle.  We traded our truck for it, since we couldn’t seem to sell it.  It is a very nice motorcycle.  A Honda Goldwing Aspencade – a real touring bike.  I look forward to summer.

3) Sometimes I feel like my husband doesn’t love me anymore.  Tell me I am a dumb ass.

4) I have a ton of things to do around here to continue getting ready for Lola’s birthday this weekend.  I am not doing them.  I am writing this.

5) I have a job interview on Wednesday.  I am not going to say anything further because I don’t want to jinx it, but Wednesday afternoon at 3 p.m., if you could send some positive energy my way and prayers or whatever medium you prefer; that would be nice.  This job would be IDEAL.

6) I cannot believe my Lola bean will be Three Years Old tomorrow.  I cry.

7) I feel happy and unhappy.

8) I need to go out and get birthday stuff, including cupcakes to take to Lola’s class tomorrow, and ordering a birthday cake for Saturday.  I do not want to go out tonight.  But I guess I have to. 

9) I am feeling some resentment towards my husband.  I have so much to do and he knows that, and he has not asked once since he got home “Is there anything I can do to help?”  The only thing he has done is take the laundry down to the basement for me.  Now he is outside working on the bike so he will not come back in until I complain that I need him to come in and then I will be a bitch. 

10) I hate leaving on an odd number so I’ll write this to end on.

Bye.

Liz

Ok, so I give up on giving up.

*sigh*.

I am just trying to keep afloat through a downswing.

However, I am just taking some time this weekend to babystep my way to getting some of this weight of stress off me.  Little things that are just geting in my way as far as concentrating on my plans for the future.

Clean my house.  Do my laundry.  Get the clutter and the chaos out of my face.

It’s kind of hard to do when your daughter has a raging ear infection in both ears.  And now the hubby is sick too.  The big girl went to her best friend’s birthday slumber party so she’s not here, and its probably for the best.  Her mom took 5 bottles of pills and tried to kill herself last Sunday.  We only just found out about it yesterday (Friday).  Princess is broken hearted and feeling pretty betrayed – both the fact that her mother did that and the fact that no one would tell her what was going on just because they didn’t want Hubby and Me to know.  It really sucks. 

At any rate, I’m hoping the Succubus stays in medical treatment somewhere and gets some help; although that has not worked for her the last 5 to 7 times she’s attempted this.  One thing I must say is that she has never taken these many pills before, so I’m thinking for once she really meant to do it.  As bad as I have felt, I can sympathize with her for feeling that hopeless.  I’ve been there, and I’ve been there in the recent past.  However, every time my mind started to stray down the path of “not wanting to live anymore” I would remember that there were indeed people who, although they could manage without me, I could not deny that my doing something like that would hurt them tremendously.  When I would think about the ripples in the pond that my suicide would have made — made me realize I do have some value in this world and the fact that I have so much love for those people that I would never want to give them even a mild bit of pain with  my passing, makes me realize life is worth living.  A good time with them once every few months is worth all the rest of the mundane days, and the crappy days, and the despairing day every now and then. 

So although they don’t know it – these people saved my life, and will continue to do so; because of them, I know my life is way more good than bad: Hubby, Princess, Lola, Kitty, Mom, Dad, Lois, Jim, Nate, Tiffy, Joey, Brian, June, Tina, TayTay, Stewart, my other nieces and nephews, even my SIL and BIL, my cousins, Nicole, Kath, even my online precious friends Y and Karen and others.  I guess that’s a pretty good list of people.  This shows me I’ve done something in my life that I can be proud of.  I have the love and/or friendship of all these wonderful people.  I have two beautiful daughters.  I have a wonderful husband. 

I often feel unworthy – that I have nothing real to contribute anymore.  I often feel like people would be better off without me sucking the life out of them, or whatever.  I feel guilt  for needing more than I think I should.  I get so tired of slogging through life every day, never having enough money, always worrying about where our family is going next, worrying about whether or not I’m ever going to find the peace within that I crave.  How I will find the energy and the drive to do the things my heart and soul long to do.  Sometimes I get so frustrated that the thought I wish I didn’t exist goes through my mind just because it’s such hard work to just live today.  But the thought never goes far.  And that can be frustrating too because sometimes I feel so bad, because I’m *pinned* here!  But ultimately, that’s the best thing in my life.

Right now I am reconsidering the job I have taken.  It is very stressful and I’m not sure if that is the best thing for me.  I really need to decide if the extra $ from this position is worth the stress of it all.  I’m not certain that it is.  Hubby and I really need to talk this through and figure out what is best for us as a family and me as a mom.  The ultimate solution would be to get the damned transfer to Tennessee anytime soon!!!

Well, I am going to get off here – I am making progress around the house so I better take advantage of that.

Songs to blog by tonight:

Lady – Styx
Barely Breathing – Duncan Sheik
Respect Yourself – Bruce Willis
Southern Cross – CSN&Y
Can’t Stop – After 7
Big Log – Robert Plant