Day: February 11, 2007
Uncle Bob
I’m thankful for Uncle Bob sometimes. He makes me smile even if I don’t feel much like it.
I had me a good, desperate cry.
Apparently, my “supportive, loving” husband could sense one coming on and suddenly remembered that he needed to go over to his sister’s and install a new computer for her. Apparently, my “adoring” step-daughter realized it had been months and months since she played with her cousins and felt she had to go and give them a little attention (even though it is a stretch for her to give some to her sister).
They even asked me if I wanted to go. As if I would, and they knew that.
After they left, I considered calling Kitster, or my sister, and seeing if they could wire me some cash and I’d pack me and Lola up and go for a visit.
Then I realized that I shouldn’t make snap decisions in a depressive state (or a manic one). Question — when SHOULD I make decisions then? Fuck.
I played some Yahoo games and Lola woke up. I can’t help but feel somewhat better when I have to do things for her. It takes my mind off myself. And for some reason, this child loves me. I’m not “Mommy Dearest” but I’m definitely not the best mom in the world. This isn’t Donna Reed over here.
I wish I could untangle how I’m feeling and explain it to you. I’d like to explain why, when I say I love my husband so much, I want to leave him. I wish I’d like to explain why, although I love my step-daughter, I feel she is going to devastate me someday. I wish I could explain why, although I love Lola with every fiber of my being, I need to get away from her sometimes, and I feel like I’m going to ruin her life.
When I feel like this, I can take the whole blame on myself for the failure of my first marriage; I can own 100% that I ruined one of the best friendships I ever had in my life and that I don’t deserve a second, third or fourth chance (whichever one I’m on). When I feel like this, I know I can’t be around the people who make me happiest inside — Kitster, my brother…I feel like my deepest, darkest feelings are unacceptable, and at least in my brother’s case, he has no patience for what he considers illogical, unreasonable self-pity. I wish he understood how this works. I could really use hugs from him right now.
I’m crying again. Apparently I wasn’t done. I *want* to isolate, but hate being isolated and alone. What is fucking wrong with me?
Things are really bad right now here at this house — there’s no Dr. Pepper left and I’ve resorted to eating cake icing right out of the container. That is what they call “emotional eating”, I think. I’ll write that down for posterity. I definitely do that too. Probably why I’m such a fucking fat ass on top of everything!
You know, writing about I-G-I-G-I- clothes the other day is probably bad, because if anyone goes on here and reads about that then reads what I’m really like most of the time, they probably won’t buy I-G-I-G-I- clothes? I don’t know. If I was famous, I probably couldn’t get any “spokesmodel” jobs. Oh, well, if Anna Nicole could I guess I could.
Poor Anna Nicole. Something was really wrong there.
Oh. Sarcasm following — there’s supposed to be a “big blizzard” coming this way. Everything south of us is supposed to be getting a whole 4 or 5 inches. This area of Michigan–we’re the lucky ones — we’re going to get 2 whole inches. This year has been SOOOOOOOO lucrative with our snow plowing business. If we were up in Buffalo area, we’d be swimming in the dollars with their 8 feet of snow this last week or so. But of course, we are not.
I wish I had a bigger bathtub. I’ve gotten so big I can’t lay comfortably in the tub anymore. I have to tuck my arms underneath my huge boobs and then I can’t move. I told Hubby we had to get a new tub, even if I ever do muster enough strength to do anything about my weight.
Nice. Lola is standing here placing one of her huge storybooks over my hands. Apparently spending the whole day with her every day, day in, day out, attending to her needs, isn’t enough. The 15-30 minutes I would like to journal, that’s too much.
Well, she just heard Elmo start singing so off she goes.
I had to laugh, one of our friends told me they went to see Pink Floyd a couple of weeks ago and it was awesome. I was like, “Pink Floyd is back on tour? I didn’t know they were on tour again!” and I was thinking, “David Gilmour has said it won’t be anytime soon…” The friend said, “Yep, the pigs flew again.” So I run upstairs to see what these tour dates are, etc. I figure if they are anywhere in the vicinity in the near future, we would have to muster enough funds to go. So, I go to PF’s website, and there’s nothing about a tour. I couldn’t find *anything* about a PF tour. So I typed in “Pink Floyd Lansing” and found out they went to see the Pink Floyd Experience! God love them, I don’t think they knew it *wasn’t* Pink Floyd. Well, if they were that good, maybe we should go to see them, but LOL anyway. I didn’t tell him. I felt it was better that way.
I finished reading The Mammoth Hunters by Jean Auel, part of the Earth’s Children (aka Clan of the Cave Bear) series. It was a good book, and I’m going to get Plains of Passage when I go back to the library. Something to keep me going until Book 7 comes out…
At least I have *that* to look forward to.
I need a shower. But of course, I have a baby here and no one to watch her while I do. I guess I’ll be bringing her in the bathroom with me, shutting the door so she can’t get out and pretty much do everything with my head sticking out of the shower curtain at all times to make sure she doesn’t get into the cat litter, the garbage, anything else that she shouldn’t be.
I don’t know why I’m writing now, I guess this is just stream of consciousness. Not that you all want to hear it.
Bye.
Man, this sucks
Shortened and edited version: I hate being bipolar.
OK, Lola is feeling much better, but me…not so much. The cold/flu thing I am still dealing with isn’t bothering me so much as my mood is NOT good. This is doubly upsetting because I have been so happy with the Lamictal I’ve been taking. It has helped, and I can’t deny the improvements I have been feeling, and making in my life. But obviously, I can still have downswings. And that makes me sad. I can still feel listless and unmotivated. I haven’t been doing well with my FlyLady routines, and I can’t seem to make myself.
Maybe the whole thing *wasn’t* the Lamictal after all. It was probably just a manic episode. I hate being sick and I hate myself pretty intensely too. I will never get well, I just feel hopeless about the whole thing.
I will bring everyone else down with me too. Because that’s my destiny. I would leave and go live alone, except I think I would probably die without Lola. I would actually feel better if I wasn’t here with Hubby, bringing him down and ruining his life. I love him so much, you have no idea. I feel like I’m ruining his life, though. And obviously I’m doing something wrong with Princess too. I could go and save them from me, definitely. But I *need* Lola like I’ve never needed anyone in my life. I can’t leave her, ever. I love that child more than I love myself. I always will.
Even when I feel like the lowest of the low, I can still smile at her actions, her words, her smiles. I feel ok when I hold her next to me and feel her little arms around me.
So what can I do? I stay, and somehow I feel I’m a dark cloud that hangs over them all.
OK guys, I know this is just the depression part of it and it will pass. But when I’m in the throes of it, I feel like nothing will ever be better again.
CG
Celtgoddess 