Disappointment

So I quit my job.  I totally just quit.  I was having an anxiety attack this morning; Lola is still sick with 104.2 degree fever and I knew I was going to have to miss work again today.  I figure this is going to get me fired either way so I went ahead and bit the bullet and fired myself.  I am just going to find somethign part time and low stress.  The money isn’t so important as my health and being able to take care of my family when they are unwell.  I just need enough to pay for daycare (Lola loves it too much to stop going) and a little extra for bills.  I am sure that I can wrassle something up.

In the meantime I have one more pay check this Friday so that will be good.  It gives me a couple of weeks to find something.  I feel really bad because I just quit without notice.  I just couldn’t handle the thought of going in there and dealing with the one lady I work with.  She does stress me out.  I didn’t want to say anything about it; I haven’t even told anyone but she definitely makes me nervous and she’s the kind that is confrontational.  I don’t want that in a job.  I don’t need that in my life.

My therapist is going to be so disappointed in me though. I do know that.

Ok, so I give up on giving up.

*sigh*.

I am just trying to keep afloat through a downswing.

However, I am just taking some time this weekend to babystep my way to getting some of this weight of stress off me.  Little things that are just geting in my way as far as concentrating on my plans for the future.

Clean my house.  Do my laundry.  Get the clutter and the chaos out of my face.

It’s kind of hard to do when your daughter has a raging ear infection in both ears.  And now the hubby is sick too.  The big girl went to her best friend’s birthday slumber party so she’s not here, and its probably for the best.  Her mom took 5 bottles of pills and tried to kill herself last Sunday.  We only just found out about it yesterday (Friday).  Princess is broken hearted and feeling pretty betrayed – both the fact that her mother did that and the fact that no one would tell her what was going on just because they didn’t want Hubby and Me to know.  It really sucks. 

At any rate, I’m hoping the Succubus stays in medical treatment somewhere and gets some help; although that has not worked for her the last 5 to 7 times she’s attempted this.  One thing I must say is that she has never taken these many pills before, so I’m thinking for once she really meant to do it.  As bad as I have felt, I can sympathize with her for feeling that hopeless.  I’ve been there, and I’ve been there in the recent past.  However, every time my mind started to stray down the path of “not wanting to live anymore” I would remember that there were indeed people who, although they could manage without me, I could not deny that my doing something like that would hurt them tremendously.  When I would think about the ripples in the pond that my suicide would have made — made me realize I do have some value in this world and the fact that I have so much love for those people that I would never want to give them even a mild bit of pain with  my passing, makes me realize life is worth living.  A good time with them once every few months is worth all the rest of the mundane days, and the crappy days, and the despairing day every now and then. 

So although they don’t know it – these people saved my life, and will continue to do so; because of them, I know my life is way more good than bad: Hubby, Princess, Lola, Kitty, Mom, Dad, Lois, Jim, Nate, Tiffy, Joey, Brian, June, Tina, TayTay, Stewart, my other nieces and nephews, even my SIL and BIL, my cousins, Nicole, Kath, even my online precious friends Y and Karen and others.  I guess that’s a pretty good list of people.  This shows me I’ve done something in my life that I can be proud of.  I have the love and/or friendship of all these wonderful people.  I have two beautiful daughters.  I have a wonderful husband. 

I often feel unworthy – that I have nothing real to contribute anymore.  I often feel like people would be better off without me sucking the life out of them, or whatever.  I feel guilt  for needing more than I think I should.  I get so tired of slogging through life every day, never having enough money, always worrying about where our family is going next, worrying about whether or not I’m ever going to find the peace within that I crave.  How I will find the energy and the drive to do the things my heart and soul long to do.  Sometimes I get so frustrated that the thought I wish I didn’t exist goes through my mind just because it’s such hard work to just live today.  But the thought never goes far.  And that can be frustrating too because sometimes I feel so bad, because I’m *pinned* here!  But ultimately, that’s the best thing in my life.

Right now I am reconsidering the job I have taken.  It is very stressful and I’m not sure if that is the best thing for me.  I really need to decide if the extra $ from this position is worth the stress of it all.  I’m not certain that it is.  Hubby and I really need to talk this through and figure out what is best for us as a family and me as a mom.  The ultimate solution would be to get the damned transfer to Tennessee anytime soon!!!

Well, I am going to get off here – I am making progress around the house so I better take advantage of that.

Songs to blog by tonight:

Lady – Styx
Barely Breathing – Duncan Sheik
Respect Yourself – Bruce Willis
Southern Cross – CSN&Y
Can’t Stop – After 7
Big Log – Robert Plant

Hey, it’s ok

It has been almost a month since my last post.  Because we had gotten so behind in the money department our internet service was cut off.  We don’t have it back up yet but probably in the next week or so. 

Life is otherwise going well.  My new job is stimulating, exciting and HARD.  Kind of like my man. LOL

I love working in the courthouse.  Not only is it cool to be in the courthouse, but by virtue of my job I’m right in the center of all the activity and all the stories, and all the people.  I am enjoying it right now, and trying like crazy to avoid any horror stories of criminal trials but I know that soon that will not be an option.  I have only been in the official position I was hired into, for about a week.  I really enjoy it, and the people I am working with.  I am very sorely missed up in the Probate department too so that is sweet to know.

I am doing some wonderful, special things for myself.  This weekend I am getting my teeth whitened!  And I’m having another skin consultation, and probably will schedule the first few weeks of whatever skin treatment I decide to go with.  Probably microdermabrasion or peels or something.  This is to work on reducing the appearance of the acne scars.  After that I am going to see a local, very well known and respected cosmetic surgeon about getting neck liposuction or a chin or face lift.  😀 

In the meantime, my BIL and SIL found a treadmill for me, and I’m looking for an exercise bike and mini trampoline for my fitness regimen.  I decided that with everything else I have going on, going to a gym is not something I want to try to fit into my day.  With the treadmill I can do walking or running for 30 to 45 minutes before I get ready for work every day.  When I come home from work I’m going to do 30 additional minutes of cardio every other day, and the alternate days some flexibility or strength training. 

My ultimate plan is to get to feeling as good about myself (my appearance, etc.) as possible.  Because a lot of the things that bother me can be worked on.  Thus the plan.

I made a list of all the things I want to do or set into motion as a regular thing and I’m going through it trying to make those things happen.

I got a fabulous new haircut too, and I would love to show you a pic but I am not really feeling like uploading pictures at this time.  It’s SHORT! and it’s all newfangly and shorter in the back than the front.  It’s really quite mod and sexy.  Hubby loves it and I have gotten tons of compliments from everyone. 

Long story short — feeling tons smarter, more valuable, and prettier.  Also feeling tons more tired and when it’s been a long hard day, I am not quite being the nicest mom in the world.  This is something I need to work on. 

I am off meds as of last month.  So far I have not seen the need to go back on.  My doc was going to take me off them soon anyway if I continued to progress because now the doc and my therapist think maybe I’m not so much bipolar as someone who is affected by my environment to an extreme degree.  I have been doing so much better since I went back to work that they feel that this alone should help me get back into a more steady mindset.  So far, it has done just that.

And a few more paychecks coming in should improve our financial situation drastically.  We are well pleased.

Lola is really doing well in daycare, so I think everyone is benefitting from this arrangement.

I love my babies and my man.  They are my world and I’m so glad that everyone seems to be doing well in this situation.

This was supposed to be a quick update but turned out longer than I thought.

I have to go…I have limited time online and I need to check on all my buddies.

CG

A New Job!!!

Current mood: accomplished

Ok, as some of you know, I went back to work about 5 weeks ago.  Through a temp agency I was placed at the local county courthouse in the Probate Court.  I have really enjoyed working there and although it took me a few weeks to get over putting Lola in daycare, I have recovered.  Lola loves it so much that I wouldn’t even think of taking her out now.  It really has been to her benefit — she is happier now that she has playmates and plenty of interaction outside our little nuclear family; she is learning even more, her facile little mind is just soaking things in; her potty-training has actually leapt forward and she is almost there; she has much more structure in her day and is willingly eating all 3 meals a day (this was something she resisted at home).  She is going without the beloved binkies from 7:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. every day so that’s an improvement. 

I have enjoyed getting out of the house, doing something productive, and making a bit of money.  My moods have really improved and I am beginning to realize how helpful it is to be out of the house with regard to my emotional/mental wellbeing. 

Anyway — let’s get down to the news…last week, I interviewed for the position in Probate Court that I have been doing.  My interview went great and I was told by my supervisor that they had submitted their opinion and that it was that I was the one they wanted to hire.  Unfortunately, on Tuesday she came to me and told me that they were not able to offer me the position.  She was not able to tell me why, because she could lose her job, but that it had nothing to do with me.  I know why now, but I can’t really say because I wouldn’t want to get in one of those “public blog” scandally things.  But I do know it’s not about me.  My supervisor and the head of the department were very upset and disappointed.  They wanted me to know about another position in a different department, and they were going to help me any way they could to keep me in the courthouse.

So anyway — my supervisor took me down to meet the supervisor of that department.  I already knew him and he let me know that he was interested in me applying for the position.  It is in the trial court, and what I would be doing is working with 2 or 3 specific judges, doing all their courtroom scheduling (hearings, trials, etc.).  There’s more to it but that’s the main function. 

Yesterday I interviewed for the position, and an hour later…I was given the job!

So as of next Wednesday I will be the Trial Court Assignment Coordinator!  And what is really funny about the whole thing is that this job pays MUCH better than the Probate position I tried to get; and it’s a union position which means much more job security.  And I’ve got all those delicious county government benefits.  They even pay most of the cost of your parking (I only have to pay $20 a month). 

So, anyway — I got a great Christmas present.  I am making a bit more than I ever have in any previous position–and that’s just the starting pay!  My hubby is happy happy happy.  And life is going to get a bit better, and it will be a bit easier to breathe (and pay our bills).  And I guess I’m still viable in the work force!  I was beginning to worry when I was looking for a job.  But since I have 2 department heads arguing over keeping me in their departments, I must still have SOMETHING to offer. (*end of brag*)

Tonight we’re going to a 15-year reunion for my hubby’s high school.  I need to go and get a few things in preparation for that.  So, I am going to get off here.  Just wanted to share the good news.

Keep fingers crossed!

Hi everyone, just wanted to give an update.

As you probably recall I just started back to work after being off for 3 years. I had hesitations both because of my young daughter going to daycare, and just being back in the working world again.

I got a temporary position with the county Probate Court (in the Clerk of Courts office). They asked me to interview with the other candidates for the full time permanent position. The interview was today and I think it went wonderfully. One of the supervisors, who was one of the three in the panel that interviewed me told me that I had done better in the interviews than the 4 that came before me. After that she confided that one of the 2 after me didn’t do well, so I figure I’m at least a final contender. Not to mention that my coworkers there are all angling for me to get the position.

I think I could definitely like working there. It is definitely more interesting legal stuff, because you are working with people and helping them make important life changes.

Keep your fingers crossed that they make me an offer! They will decide by Friday…

Oh and by the way, my daughter LOVES daycare. At this point in time, she runs in and calls “Bye, Mommy!” over her shoulder. I have to chase her down to get my hug and kiss. She is always thrilled to see me at the end of the day, but she loves her “school” and all her friends. I wouldn’t take her out now even if I could because it has improved her happiness so much.

So that is the update!

Friendship That Catches Fire

Lola woke up at 4 this morning, apparently a bad dream.  I tried everything to get her to go back to sleep either in her bed or mine, but the only thing that worked was to go out to the living room with her, turn on a show with the volume down low, and lay on the couch with her on top of me, and she went to sleep that way.  I, however, could not go to sleep.  I laid there until the alarm clock went off.  I yawned my way through the day. 

Tonight I am trying to get some things done around here — and I am trying to come up with a plan to get things done the night before work so we don’t have to rush around to get out of the door on time, and maybe even be able to sleep a bit more.

Lola seems to be enjoying daycare.  She gets upset when we first leave but she seems really enthusiastic about it otherwise.  Again, I just need to come to terms with myself, because she’s apparently all for it.  I just miss her, and I struggle to get through every day interacting with others, when I would just as soon not.  I also hate getting up in the mornings, I’m always so damned tired.

Work is going ok.  I am getting along good with everyone, and taking on more tasks.  I am hoping that they will start giving me enough to keep busy all day without walking around asking people “Do you have anything for me to do?”  I hate doing that because it makes me feel like I have no worth.  I need to start packing lunch because it’s too cold to go out on the streets to buy lunch so I’ve been buying it in the cafe on the ground floor and it is EXPENSIVE!!!  Delicious, but expensive. 

Oh, another bummer is that I don’t get to see Hubby very much now.  He doesn’t get home from work until after 8, and that is if he doesn’t have overtime.  Last night he didn’t get home until midnight, and I don’t even think I woke up when he came in.  I leave way before he needs to be up.

A good thing though is that as long as traffic moves smoothly, I leave work at 4:30 and can be walking into the daycare to get Lola by 4:50.  This makes me happy.  It’s just a few minutes but I’ll take all the minutes I can grab with my little one!

Princess is doing great – homework galore – but doing well.  She is participating in Drama Club again this year and they are putting on a play in a week or so — she is in Little Women.  She has all of a sudden gotten really interested in sketching and designing fashion.  She’s done a few drawings that are actually very impressive.

Well that’s the update.  Nothing earth shattering.  I’m looking forward to getting my first paycheck.  It will come in handy-as I have done no Christmas shopping as of yet for the kids.  Wish me luck shopping this weekend.

Lastly I shared with my Hubby a wonderful quote, that we both feel describes our relationship perfectly…

“Love is Friendship That Catches Fire.”

Isn’t that beautiful?

CG

Week Update

Hi.

I am sitting around on Saturday, just enjoying being home and being with my daughter.

This week went OK.  My first 3 days of work went OK too; it was pretty much just “peon” work — busy work — filing, copy jobs, etc.  I am sure that they will be wanting me to do other things as I get acclimated, but for now it is just low-end clerical.  I am not sure I would be happy in this kind of position, as my skills would be highly underutilized.  However, it could be a nice foot in the door for getting a job at the Prosecutor’s Office or moving up in the Probate Department. 

Then again, there is something to be said for brainless work that is not too taxing.  If the job just ended up being stuff like this, I could really enjoy not having to work too hard and make a decent wage, along with the excellent governmental benefits. 

I have been enjoying getting out of the house and being around other adults.  I am enjoying feeling useful and productive.  I do enjoy eating lunch by myself outside of the house and being alone with my thoughts like I used to when I was working.  I am less than a block away from the New Age bookstore, so I will probably trek out there next week and spend some time.  I love bookstores like this one; they always inspire me to live my life more consciously and deliberately.  Starbucks is several blocks away, to my chagrin, because getting a hot chocolate every morning would add to my enjoyment even more.

I do like most of my coworkers.  There is this one that seems a bit bitchy at times but she is friendly enough when I approach her to talk.  Apparently this is not her normal behavior (the bitchiness) but she is angry with the supervisor and she is very good at holding a grudge.  And oh wow — I came in yesterday and they were in their Friday staff meeting; and it became VERY heated.  It was this employee and the supervisor, I think.  Raised voices, cussing, etc.  If this is how it is in those meetings I’m not sure if I like that.  I will continue to observe the dynamics between people.  I would sure hate to be thinking this job is something it will not be if I stay permanently.

The hardest part of it all has been missing and worrying about Lola.  I have been calling every day at lunch and I get the report — she is doing great.  She seems to really enjoy it and she wants to go every morning.  When I wake her up and say, “Let’s get ready for school,” she says “OK!” and cheerfully gets up and lets me clean her up.  Once we are gathering things to head out the door she’ll have a moment of unwillingness because she wants to watch TV, but once I get her to the back door to put on her coat she is fine, and eager to go, again.  Once she gets there she takes off her coat and runs off to play with the other kids.  She does cry if she sees me heading out the door but I assume that she gets over it quickly, just like she does when anyone else is babysitting her.

When I call they tell me that she has been eating her snack, eating her lunch, and taking a nap with the rest of the kids.  Yesterday I got a packet of work and art she did during the week and I was really impressed.  I didn’t know she could use scissors and cut things out!!!  They have weekly themes and this week the color was brown, the number was 5 and the letter was S.  I am thinking this is actually working out well for her.  I will continue to watch her and see if she is happy.  OH, they are working with her on the potty training, so that is another good thing.  The fact that they know our family because Princess used to go there for before/after school daycare really helps.  I have a good rapport with them.  This daycare is a family run entity–the mom is the owner, and her son and daughter both work there.  They both have children in the daycare as well.  As a matter of fact, Dan (not his real name), the son’s — daughter seems to be Lola’s special friend.  Her name is Lila.  So it’s Lila and Lola (LOL).

She is happy when I pick her up.  “I am so happy to see you, Mommy!”  She can’t wait to get home and see her sissy and her daddy.  She cries, “I’m Home! I’m Home!” when we pull in the driveway.  And when I ask her if she had fun at school, she says, “Yes.”  So I guess daycare is agreeing with her.  I love her so much.  Being away from her all day is making me appreciate her more.  And there is something to be said about her not being in front of the TV all day long like she has been doing all this time. 

Mornings have been a challenge for us.  I am going to have to get into some sort of routine to make this all go more smoothly.  Four people getting ready at the same time, leaving at the same time, etc.  One bathroom…well needless to say that is amusing to watch.

I have been taking Zoloft for a week now, along with my Lamictal and so far that seems to be helping.  I am feeling much more hopeful and happy with things.  I don’t know how I am going to be able to squeeze in exercise now that I only get 4 hours in the evening with my little one and I don’t want to waste a minute of it.  Getting up earlier is not an option right now because I can barely drag my ass out of bed in the morning as it is.

I think if I can get my house cleaned up today, we can set up the Christmas tree tomorrow when Hubby is off work.

Take care, everyone.