Ok, so I give up on giving up.

*sigh*.

I am just trying to keep afloat through a downswing.

However, I am just taking some time this weekend to babystep my way to getting some of this weight of stress off me.  Little things that are just geting in my way as far as concentrating on my plans for the future.

Clean my house.  Do my laundry.  Get the clutter and the chaos out of my face.

It’s kind of hard to do when your daughter has a raging ear infection in both ears.  And now the hubby is sick too.  The big girl went to her best friend’s birthday slumber party so she’s not here, and its probably for the best.  Her mom took 5 bottles of pills and tried to kill herself last Sunday.  We only just found out about it yesterday (Friday).  Princess is broken hearted and feeling pretty betrayed – both the fact that her mother did that and the fact that no one would tell her what was going on just because they didn’t want Hubby and Me to know.  It really sucks. 

At any rate, I’m hoping the Succubus stays in medical treatment somewhere and gets some help; although that has not worked for her the last 5 to 7 times she’s attempted this.  One thing I must say is that she has never taken these many pills before, so I’m thinking for once she really meant to do it.  As bad as I have felt, I can sympathize with her for feeling that hopeless.  I’ve been there, and I’ve been there in the recent past.  However, every time my mind started to stray down the path of “not wanting to live anymore” I would remember that there were indeed people who, although they could manage without me, I could not deny that my doing something like that would hurt them tremendously.  When I would think about the ripples in the pond that my suicide would have made — made me realize I do have some value in this world and the fact that I have so much love for those people that I would never want to give them even a mild bit of pain with  my passing, makes me realize life is worth living.  A good time with them once every few months is worth all the rest of the mundane days, and the crappy days, and the despairing day every now and then. 

So although they don’t know it – these people saved my life, and will continue to do so; because of them, I know my life is way more good than bad: Hubby, Princess, Lola, Kitty, Mom, Dad, Lois, Jim, Nate, Tiffy, Joey, Brian, June, Tina, TayTay, Stewart, my other nieces and nephews, even my SIL and BIL, my cousins, Nicole, Kath, even my online precious friends Y and Karen and others.  I guess that’s a pretty good list of people.  This shows me I’ve done something in my life that I can be proud of.  I have the love and/or friendship of all these wonderful people.  I have two beautiful daughters.  I have a wonderful husband. 

I often feel unworthy – that I have nothing real to contribute anymore.  I often feel like people would be better off without me sucking the life out of them, or whatever.  I feel guilt  for needing more than I think I should.  I get so tired of slogging through life every day, never having enough money, always worrying about where our family is going next, worrying about whether or not I’m ever going to find the peace within that I crave.  How I will find the energy and the drive to do the things my heart and soul long to do.  Sometimes I get so frustrated that the thought I wish I didn’t exist goes through my mind just because it’s such hard work to just live today.  But the thought never goes far.  And that can be frustrating too because sometimes I feel so bad, because I’m *pinned* here!  But ultimately, that’s the best thing in my life.

Right now I am reconsidering the job I have taken.  It is very stressful and I’m not sure if that is the best thing for me.  I really need to decide if the extra $ from this position is worth the stress of it all.  I’m not certain that it is.  Hubby and I really need to talk this through and figure out what is best for us as a family and me as a mom.  The ultimate solution would be to get the damned transfer to Tennessee anytime soon!!!

Well, I am going to get off here – I am making progress around the house so I better take advantage of that.

Songs to blog by tonight:

Lady – Styx
Barely Breathing – Duncan Sheik
Respect Yourself – Bruce Willis
Southern Cross – CSN&Y
Can’t Stop – After 7
Big Log – Robert Plant

Hey, it’s ok

It has been almost a month since my last post.  Because we had gotten so behind in the money department our internet service was cut off.  We don’t have it back up yet but probably in the next week or so. 

Life is otherwise going well.  My new job is stimulating, exciting and HARD.  Kind of like my man. LOL

I love working in the courthouse.  Not only is it cool to be in the courthouse, but by virtue of my job I’m right in the center of all the activity and all the stories, and all the people.  I am enjoying it right now, and trying like crazy to avoid any horror stories of criminal trials but I know that soon that will not be an option.  I have only been in the official position I was hired into, for about a week.  I really enjoy it, and the people I am working with.  I am very sorely missed up in the Probate department too so that is sweet to know.

I am doing some wonderful, special things for myself.  This weekend I am getting my teeth whitened!  And I’m having another skin consultation, and probably will schedule the first few weeks of whatever skin treatment I decide to go with.  Probably microdermabrasion or peels or something.  This is to work on reducing the appearance of the acne scars.  After that I am going to see a local, very well known and respected cosmetic surgeon about getting neck liposuction or a chin or face lift.  😀 

In the meantime, my BIL and SIL found a treadmill for me, and I’m looking for an exercise bike and mini trampoline for my fitness regimen.  I decided that with everything else I have going on, going to a gym is not something I want to try to fit into my day.  With the treadmill I can do walking or running for 30 to 45 minutes before I get ready for work every day.  When I come home from work I’m going to do 30 additional minutes of cardio every other day, and the alternate days some flexibility or strength training. 

My ultimate plan is to get to feeling as good about myself (my appearance, etc.) as possible.  Because a lot of the things that bother me can be worked on.  Thus the plan.

I made a list of all the things I want to do or set into motion as a regular thing and I’m going through it trying to make those things happen.

I got a fabulous new haircut too, and I would love to show you a pic but I am not really feeling like uploading pictures at this time.  It’s SHORT! and it’s all newfangly and shorter in the back than the front.  It’s really quite mod and sexy.  Hubby loves it and I have gotten tons of compliments from everyone. 

Long story short — feeling tons smarter, more valuable, and prettier.  Also feeling tons more tired and when it’s been a long hard day, I am not quite being the nicest mom in the world.  This is something I need to work on. 

I am off meds as of last month.  So far I have not seen the need to go back on.  My doc was going to take me off them soon anyway if I continued to progress because now the doc and my therapist think maybe I’m not so much bipolar as someone who is affected by my environment to an extreme degree.  I have been doing so much better since I went back to work that they feel that this alone should help me get back into a more steady mindset.  So far, it has done just that.

And a few more paychecks coming in should improve our financial situation drastically.  We are well pleased.

Lola is really doing well in daycare, so I think everyone is benefitting from this arrangement.

I love my babies and my man.  They are my world and I’m so glad that everyone seems to be doing well in this situation.

This was supposed to be a quick update but turned out longer than I thought.

I have to go…I have limited time online and I need to check on all my buddies.

CG

I miss *us*

I am definitely in a down time.  I did, however, express to my husband that I felt like he and I needed to reconnect in a “romantic” way because I feel like he and I are not as close as we have been as far as that sort of thing goes.  He has been great to me lately, very supportive of the things I’m trying to do to change my life, but as far as feeling like we are in love with each other, that feeling has not surfaced in a while on BOTH of our parts.  I know he loves me, and I am just feeling that maybe my declining beauty and getting older is really affecting his attraction to me.  Plus the weight and all that.  I don’t *feel* sexy so I don’t want to have sex, etc.

I have been focusing too much on that lbs number.  I kind of lost sight of why I started working out and taking better care of myself in the first place.  It wasn’t about getting skinny.  It was about getting *healthy*.  If I am feeling healthier — that is, less pain, more energy, better moods, etc. — THAT is the goal.  Not a number on the scale.  If I achieve the goals and I’m still a size 16 then that is going to have to be OK.  I cannot happily focus on something like that.  I have to find my beauty no matter where I am.  If as a side effect of living a bit healthier, I lose some weight, then fine.  But that cannot be the purpose. 

It has disappointed me that I am having to watch my calories SO damned closely.  I can’t do that.  I am going to continue to track my food, and try to stay within the caloric range.  I am trying to include lots of water, veggies and fruit, and protein in the mix; less carbs; but I’m not going to obsess over it.  I’m going to try to focus on getting more exercise…and worrying a bit less about eating rabbit food all day, every day.  This is not to say that I am going to go hog wild and eat junk food all the time again.  I know that is bad for me.  That is counterproductive to the “feeling better” mission. 

I have noticed that when I go a few days without drinking lots of water, my newly cleared-up skin starts breaking out like crazy.  I get canker sores in my mouth, my skin gets even drier than normal, etc.  So I know that water is absolutely imperative.  And I have been going kind of crazy with the pop drinking.  Because it is in the house.  Now that it is all gone (thanks to my binging), I can start over with that. 

I actually really enjoyed myself when I was holding out my streak on not drinking pop, and doing crunches every day, etc.  And I do enjoy doing cardio.  I wish I enjoyed strength training a bit more.  I hate doing it.  I hate calisthenics, and I hate dumbbells.  This is where I wish I was using circuit training machines.  Maybe if I had a workout bench, etc., and a specific place set aside for me to work out it would be easier.

I wish I could have time every day to do 45 minutes of (enjoyable) cardio, and 20 minutes of yoga.  The yoga I would prefer to do in the evening.  I *could* do it at night but after I put Lola to bed, I’m just so tired I want to sit and have a quiet moment or just go to bed.  I would do even more cardio if I could because I know it will benefit me.  The strength training I know I should do every other day 3 x a week.  It is just SO boring and hard to do when I have to look at the computer screen for every exercise and try to use things around the house for stability or balance. 

This has nothing to do with my mood except that I know that my lack of activity or structure really affects my feelings. 

After I shared with my husband today that I feel lonely and I miss our love and our chemistry, he came home with a card and flowers.  I love him.  I know he loves me and I just want to know that he still adores me like he used to.  I feel so scared that these inches of extra weight on me are draining his attraction to me.  And since I know my birth control pills are sapping all my libido our sex life has been nil lately.  I am switching back to my old pill at the end of this pack. 

I think I need to take a bit of time for myself — I mean, to spend a little time on being a *girly girl* and recharge my feminine batteries so to speak.  I need to color my hair, I need to get a pedicure, I need to go through my clothes and get all the prettiest stuff out for wearing.  I need some new shoes (as we’ve discussed), and I’d LOVE a little extra money to get some good outdoor walking clothes, and some Bare Essentials makeup.  Oh, wouldn’t that be lovely.

Money would help.  A lot.  As usual.

October 2007 Report Card

ACCOMPLISHMENTS FOR OCTOBER 

Days Walked:  23/31
Days Strength Trained: 6/31
Days Belly Danced: 2/31
Days I Did 50 Ab Crunches: 13/31
Days I Didn’t Drink Soda: 12/31
Miles Walked: 49
Minutes Walked: 589
Minutes Of Other Exercise: 197 

Started using SparkPeople to track food and exercise – used it 28 out of 30 days so far. 

Started using MoodTracker (late September) to track my moods and medications.  Have used it 40 days so far. 

Cleaned My House: 20 out of 30 days. 

Other Accomplishments: 

Cleaned off patio and furniture/toys etc.

Saw major improvement in bipolar disorder symptoms.  

Cleaned out Princess’ closet 

Set up really good daily routine 

Visited Cincinnati for a weekend with Kitty

Learned a lot about myself and my strengths/weaknesses.