Ok, so I give up on giving up.


I am just trying to keep afloat through a downswing.

However, I am just taking some time this weekend to babystep my way to getting some of this weight of stress off me.  Little things that are just geting in my way as far as concentrating on my plans for the future.

Clean my house.  Do my laundry.  Get the clutter and the chaos out of my face.

It’s kind of hard to do when your daughter has a raging ear infection in both ears.  And now the hubby is sick too.  The big girl went to her best friend’s birthday slumber party so she’s not here, and its probably for the best.  Her mom took 5 bottles of pills and tried to kill herself last Sunday.  We only just found out about it yesterday (Friday).  Princess is broken hearted and feeling pretty betrayed – both the fact that her mother did that and the fact that no one would tell her what was going on just because they didn’t want Hubby and Me to know.  It really sucks. 

At any rate, I’m hoping the Succubus stays in medical treatment somewhere and gets some help; although that has not worked for her the last 5 to 7 times she’s attempted this.  One thing I must say is that she has never taken these many pills before, so I’m thinking for once she really meant to do it.  As bad as I have felt, I can sympathize with her for feeling that hopeless.  I’ve been there, and I’ve been there in the recent past.  However, every time my mind started to stray down the path of “not wanting to live anymore” I would remember that there were indeed people who, although they could manage without me, I could not deny that my doing something like that would hurt them tremendously.  When I would think about the ripples in the pond that my suicide would have made — made me realize I do have some value in this world and the fact that I have so much love for those people that I would never want to give them even a mild bit of pain with  my passing, makes me realize life is worth living.  A good time with them once every few months is worth all the rest of the mundane days, and the crappy days, and the despairing day every now and then. 

So although they don’t know it – these people saved my life, and will continue to do so; because of them, I know my life is way more good than bad: Hubby, Princess, Lola, Kitty, Mom, Dad, Lois, Jim, Nate, Tiffy, Joey, Brian, June, Tina, TayTay, Stewart, my other nieces and nephews, even my SIL and BIL, my cousins, Nicole, Kath, even my online precious friends Y and Karen and others.  I guess that’s a pretty good list of people.  This shows me I’ve done something in my life that I can be proud of.  I have the love and/or friendship of all these wonderful people.  I have two beautiful daughters.  I have a wonderful husband. 

I often feel unworthy – that I have nothing real to contribute anymore.  I often feel like people would be better off without me sucking the life out of them, or whatever.  I feel guilt  for needing more than I think I should.  I get so tired of slogging through life every day, never having enough money, always worrying about where our family is going next, worrying about whether or not I’m ever going to find the peace within that I crave.  How I will find the energy and the drive to do the things my heart and soul long to do.  Sometimes I get so frustrated that the thought I wish I didn’t exist goes through my mind just because it’s such hard work to just live today.  But the thought never goes far.  And that can be frustrating too because sometimes I feel so bad, because I’m *pinned* here!  But ultimately, that’s the best thing in my life.

Right now I am reconsidering the job I have taken.  It is very stressful and I’m not sure if that is the best thing for me.  I really need to decide if the extra $ from this position is worth the stress of it all.  I’m not certain that it is.  Hubby and I really need to talk this through and figure out what is best for us as a family and me as a mom.  The ultimate solution would be to get the damned transfer to Tennessee anytime soon!!!

Well, I am going to get off here – I am making progress around the house so I better take advantage of that.

Songs to blog by tonight:

Lady – Styx
Barely Breathing – Duncan Sheik
Respect Yourself – Bruce Willis
Southern Cross – CSN&Y
Can’t Stop – After 7
Big Log – Robert Plant

Hey, it’s ok

It has been almost a month since my last post.  Because we had gotten so behind in the money department our internet service was cut off.  We don’t have it back up yet but probably in the next week or so. 

Life is otherwise going well.  My new job is stimulating, exciting and HARD.  Kind of like my man. LOL

I love working in the courthouse.  Not only is it cool to be in the courthouse, but by virtue of my job I’m right in the center of all the activity and all the stories, and all the people.  I am enjoying it right now, and trying like crazy to avoid any horror stories of criminal trials but I know that soon that will not be an option.  I have only been in the official position I was hired into, for about a week.  I really enjoy it, and the people I am working with.  I am very sorely missed up in the Probate department too so that is sweet to know.

I am doing some wonderful, special things for myself.  This weekend I am getting my teeth whitened!  And I’m having another skin consultation, and probably will schedule the first few weeks of whatever skin treatment I decide to go with.  Probably microdermabrasion or peels or something.  This is to work on reducing the appearance of the acne scars.  After that I am going to see a local, very well known and respected cosmetic surgeon about getting neck liposuction or a chin or face lift.  😀 

In the meantime, my BIL and SIL found a treadmill for me, and I’m looking for an exercise bike and mini trampoline for my fitness regimen.  I decided that with everything else I have going on, going to a gym is not something I want to try to fit into my day.  With the treadmill I can do walking or running for 30 to 45 minutes before I get ready for work every day.  When I come home from work I’m going to do 30 additional minutes of cardio every other day, and the alternate days some flexibility or strength training. 

My ultimate plan is to get to feeling as good about myself (my appearance, etc.) as possible.  Because a lot of the things that bother me can be worked on.  Thus the plan.

I made a list of all the things I want to do or set into motion as a regular thing and I’m going through it trying to make those things happen.

I got a fabulous new haircut too, and I would love to show you a pic but I am not really feeling like uploading pictures at this time.  It’s SHORT! and it’s all newfangly and shorter in the back than the front.  It’s really quite mod and sexy.  Hubby loves it and I have gotten tons of compliments from everyone. 

Long story short — feeling tons smarter, more valuable, and prettier.  Also feeling tons more tired and when it’s been a long hard day, I am not quite being the nicest mom in the world.  This is something I need to work on. 

I am off meds as of last month.  So far I have not seen the need to go back on.  My doc was going to take me off them soon anyway if I continued to progress because now the doc and my therapist think maybe I’m not so much bipolar as someone who is affected by my environment to an extreme degree.  I have been doing so much better since I went back to work that they feel that this alone should help me get back into a more steady mindset.  So far, it has done just that.

And a few more paychecks coming in should improve our financial situation drastically.  We are well pleased.

Lola is really doing well in daycare, so I think everyone is benefitting from this arrangement.

I love my babies and my man.  They are my world and I’m so glad that everyone seems to be doing well in this situation.

This was supposed to be a quick update but turned out longer than I thought.

I have to go…I have limited time online and I need to check on all my buddies.


Time Management Really Matters

I am really getting into the habit of doing all these “basic needs” things I have on my checklist.  I am getting them done in the first part of the day, leaving the rest of the day to get other things done or spend time with my kids.  Limiting the time on the internet especially seems to help me.  I do not count my time journaling or doing SparkPeople or Bipolar Discussion Board in that “time wasting” time because those things are good for me.

My moods have been much better.  I haven’t necessarily been over the top happy but I haven’t been despairing to the point of really negative thoughts.  I feel simply content with the situation.  Part of me thinks I should be doing more, but part of me knows I’m lucky to be completing the tasks I have set for myself right now.  I would think a month is a good enough lead in time to developing a few good habits — I am hoping I can step up things, just a tiny bit more, after 11/1/07.  I’m really invested in baby-stepping this process.  Baby-Stepping to a Healthier ME.

Yesterday was great in that I spent a lot of one-on-one time with my daughter, giving her my sole attention.  For one straight hour, I didn’t answer the phone, or do any housework or anything like that.  I just spent time with her and did things with and for her.  It felt really good.  I am going to start making that a huge priority.  We read more books yesterday than we have done in a long time.  We also did flash cards, and watched a show together.  We danced, and other things.

I am giving thought to increasing my workouts once my month of “fast break” is over.  To walk to lose weight I have read that it takes 45 to 60 minutes  of walking for weight loss.  I just can’t commit to that big a piece of time being outside, at least at this time of the year.  I am wondering if I can do three 20 minute walking sessions and get the same effects or does it have to be 60 straight minutes? (Yvonne?  Can you answer this question?)

Well, I actually have a lot of extra things that need done today–my sister and brother-in-law are coming to visit this weekend–so I need to go and address all those things so I can enjoy my afternoon with Lola. 

PS. I look HOT lately.  And I haven’t even lost the weight.  I’m actually back up to 190 and wondering when I will actually lose weight?!?  I am eating less calories and have increased my exercise level.  Should be a no brainer, right?  So where is the weight loss?  Aside from that, my skin looks pretty good, my hair looks great, I have some of that old energy back.  But I wouldn’t mind losing some weight people!!!

Today’s Inspirational Muse Provided By:

Groove Is In the Heart – DeeeLite
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic – The Police
In The Summertime – Mungo Jerry
Part-Time Lover – Stevie Wonder
Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani
If You Leave – OMD
Shattered Dreams – Johnny Hates Jazz

You’ve Got The Music In You…Don’t Let Go…

Today I have gotten most everything done that I need to do in the whole day, done by 12:00 noon.  That leaves the afternoon for spending time with the little one and doing fun things for myself too!

All I have left to do (besides journal) is to finish one load of laundry and put it away; learning/fun time with the Bean (my baby); make a T-Shirt design for my brother’s pet store; dance to 3 songs with the Bean.  And that’s it!!!

I did belly dance instead of walking today because it was raining and dreary outside.  I did my strength training and my 50 crunches.

I made a decision about my soda drinking.  The more I think about giving up Dr. Pepper forever the more I want to go out and buy some and just guzzle it.  I did have a half a can last Sunday while driving back to Michigan from Cincinnati.  It hasn’t made me crave it any more or less these last couple of days.  What I’m thinking I’m going to do instead of putting myself on this “How many days since I quit Dr. Pepper” thing, I’m going to just say “How many days out of the year can I NOT have pop?”  That way I am not saying goodbye to a Dr. Pepper forever, and I can still keep track of my accomplishment.  I was trying to explain this to Hubby as far as the cigarettes go…every day he DOESN’T smoke is a day he doesn’t smoke!  But I don’t think he gets it.  Maybe cigarettes don’t work that way. 

Anyway — my system for now is going to be 6 days without it, and one can of Dr. Pepper as a reward on Sunday.  And keeping cumulative track of days without it.  It’s a good reward for my consistency, since I do enjoy my bubbly drinks.

I am still doing 50 crunches a day!  GO ME!

And trying to dance to 3 upbeat songs a day with the Bean.

I am walking 20 minutes/2 miles per day right now.  For weight loss, I guess I need to be walking a bit further.  I am just not ready to commit more time than that to walking every day.  I am in pain almost the whole 20 minutes still.  I need to get more conditioned before I take this further.  But still, 20 minutes a day is EXCELLENT for my cardio needs.  I am not so concerned with the weight loss as just being healthy for my peace of mind and for my family.  But there’s this little thought in my head that if I could get down to around 160 or even 150 I would feel absolutely wonderful!!! 

Right now I’m in the first phase at SparkPeople called “Fast Break” — it’s supposed to be 2 weeks long — to establish some healthy habits and build momentum.  I’m doing it for a month straight to really imprint those decisions on my heart and mind.  My healthy habits I’ve selected for Fast Break are the 20 minutes of exercise, every other day of strength training, tracking all food and water daily, and completing all goal activity early in the day. 

 On 11/1/07 I am going to start Phase 2.  It’s 6 weeks long and it’s to jump start weight loss.  I am thinking I will substitute a large salad for lunch every day.  I may vary it by adding slices of turkey, ham, etc. (Julienne salad?) but mainly filling up on greens for lunch.  I am thinking that I will continue to allow myself to have cereal for breakfast every other day, but I am going to go through all the cereals I like and find the LEAST fattening one.  I am thinking I will have 2 eggs every alternating morning.  Dinner I’m going to leave as it is, as it is the one meal I have with my whole family.  I am just going to use the small plates and use portion control.  And the big thing is to curb the sweet snacks.  I am not going to buy any more ice cream to leave in the house.  I’m not going to have a whole lot of candy in here either.  I am thinking I will get some Kudo’s bars, they’re not perfect but it will give me some chocolate and it is somewhat filling,  yet not as fattening as a pure candy bar.  And I will keep plenty of the fruits and veggies that I like available.  I like green beans, so I may make some green beans for a snack — they are excellent with a tiny bit of butter and salt and pepper. YUM.

Phase 2 will involve taking my exercise up a notch.  I still have not determined how I’m going to do that.  Jogging is too hard for my joints; hell, walking is kind of hard on them too.  I love to do the belly dancing and it burns about the same amount of calories as the walking, but I do believe that being outside in the morning is really the trick for my feelings being more regulated.  I am thinking that I may add 10 minutes to my walk; or do the 20 minute belly dance video during the day sometime.  I don’t know–I have to think on this.

Also, our finances are MUCH improved — in that we are not bouncing any more checks and are not going into the negative on the bank account.  I am keeping track of the checkbook balance daily.  And I am not taking the checkbook with me anywhere–we are only writing checks for bills.  I am shopping for food and other necessities with cash.  I am taking my calculator to the grocery store and keeping track of the totals so as not to go over my budget.  We are keeping our gasoline money and other petty cash in cash in our house.  Hubby is also helping me with this — he is now taking an equal role in the decision making of what is being paid and when…and discussing everything we have coming up so we don’t forget anything.

I can’t believe that I have kept this going for 23 days.  Suffice it to say I am very proud of myself.  I love that my husband is being my support system for the fitness and the positive thinking.  He is the best.

I am keeping up with my housework too thanks to my little “basic needs priority list”. 

Well, I’m off — I only have 20 minutes left on the internet all day so I am going to check MySpace and my email.  Take care!

Today’s Inspirational Muse Brought To You By:

You Get What You Give – New Radicals
Same Ole Love – Anita Baker
You Really Got Me – Van Halen
Hips Don’t Lie – Shakira (feat. Wyclef Jean)
I Found Someone – Cher
No More Drama – Mary J. Blige
Keep Your Hands To Yourself – Georgia Satellites
Crazy – Gnarls Barkley
I’ve Been Thinking About You – Londonbeat


I found a message thread on the Challenge Message Boards and I thought it was a great idea.

I am currently keeping track of my miles walked anyway, and I found the one to “Walk from Hobbiton to Rivendell” (Lord of the Rings theme), and there’s a website that has the milestones marked out for you so you know where you are at what mile you’ve walked to.  Not only can you do the first leg of the trip to Rivendell, but you can follow characters of the Fellowship all through the story, and when you get to the end, you can walk the whole way home with the hobbits!!

This is really neat and a twist to what I’ve already been doing.  So every day when I do my morning journal entry, on the right side of the screen I have a widget for this, and I’m going to post how many miles I am at, and the last milestone I passed. 

I also was intrigued by the 100 crunches each day challenge, and I am thinking that would be awesome, but I don’t know if I can handle 100 to start with.  I didn’t want to commit to it and not be able to stick to it (like my yoga challenge, which is proving really hard for me).  So I am thinking I will try 50 per day.  I can do this while hanging out with my little one watching TV in the afternoon. 

And the best one is going to be giving up soda.  Or should I say the Hardest?  It will be very rewarding in my weight loss plans, so I just need to make that motivational collage to put up to give me something to look at when Dr. Pepper is beckoning me to come and find him. LOL. 

So at this point, as my ROUTINE stuff everyday, I am doing my 20 minutes of fast walking each morning, then strength training on Tuesday, Thursday & Saturday, and yoga if I can every evening.  I am going to kick up the walking to 30 minutes after a month or so of walking and I can work myself up to it.

And these are my small “challenges” right now:

3 Day Mini Challenge – Yoga 3 days in a row
50 Crunches Per Day – no end date – just trying to create a streak and see how long I can go.
No Soda Challenge – no end date – just trying to create a streak and see how long I can go (this has to start tomorrow since I already had pop today)

I’m trying not to do too much.  What is cool is that the walking, daily stretching and strength training are all done very first thing, before Hubby even goes to work.  So it’s not overwhelming me to add the other things to do during the day.  If I had to be responsible for myself to do all of the morning exercise AND my personal challenges without Hubby’s support, then I don’t think I could handle it.

My Hubby is so awesome.  The last two days in a row, he has nudged me out of bed.  Is that not AWESOME?!

And this day is going great.  I have finished 95% of all my goals for the day — I still need to do the yoga, crunches, and do another load of laundry.  We are pleased.

Good Intentions for the Day

I am accomplishing my goal items first thing today instead of feeling scattered all day.  One of those things is to journal. 

I woke up singing one of the kiddie songs from the Noggin channel this morning.  Soooo a stay-at-home-mom.

Gosh, I wish I had something really important and profound to share, but I don’t.  I’m really, truly drawing a blank.

Today I’m going to be in day 2 of my Mini Challenge – to do Yoga 3 days in a row.  I did do it last night.  It was good…I really need to stop stopping stuff that feels good and is good for me.  What’s with that?

Other than my health goals, today I am going to sort my laundry.  I keep putting that off.  I’m not sure what else, but I think I might allow myself a couple of hours of playing video games.  I do enjoy it.

I will also play with my daughter today.  I think I’ll bring out the play-dough.

Oh, something cute — when I was doing my stretching before and after my walk today, Lola was trying to imitate what I was doing.  Maybe I’ll make a yogi out of her yet!

I need to go upstairs and get cleaned up.  I’m all sweaty from my 10th day of walking 2 miles in 20 minutes!  Who rocks?  I rock, I know.

I also feel like I want to get a book out and read today, too.  Maybe that will happen a bit also.

I’m going now.  I’m sorry for the lack of real information!  I love all ya’ll though.

Today’s Inspirational Muse Brought To You By:

Jumpin’ Jumpin’ – Destiny’s Child
Scream – Michael Jackson
Cars – Gary Numan