Disappointment

So I quit my job.  I totally just quit.  I was having an anxiety attack this morning; Lola is still sick with 104.2 degree fever and I knew I was going to have to miss work again today.  I figure this is going to get me fired either way so I went ahead and bit the bullet and fired myself.  I am just going to find somethign part time and low stress.  The money isn’t so important as my health and being able to take care of my family when they are unwell.  I just need enough to pay for daycare (Lola loves it too much to stop going) and a little extra for bills.  I am sure that I can wrassle something up.

In the meantime I have one more pay check this Friday so that will be good.  It gives me a couple of weeks to find something.  I feel really bad because I just quit without notice.  I just couldn’t handle the thought of going in there and dealing with the one lady I work with.  She does stress me out.  I didn’t want to say anything about it; I haven’t even told anyone but she definitely makes me nervous and she’s the kind that is confrontational.  I don’t want that in a job.  I don’t need that in my life.

My therapist is going to be so disappointed in me though. I do know that.

Ok, so I give up on giving up.

*sigh*.

I am just trying to keep afloat through a downswing.

However, I am just taking some time this weekend to babystep my way to getting some of this weight of stress off me.  Little things that are just geting in my way as far as concentrating on my plans for the future.

Clean my house.  Do my laundry.  Get the clutter and the chaos out of my face.

It’s kind of hard to do when your daughter has a raging ear infection in both ears.  And now the hubby is sick too.  The big girl went to her best friend’s birthday slumber party so she’s not here, and its probably for the best.  Her mom took 5 bottles of pills and tried to kill herself last Sunday.  We only just found out about it yesterday (Friday).  Princess is broken hearted and feeling pretty betrayed – both the fact that her mother did that and the fact that no one would tell her what was going on just because they didn’t want Hubby and Me to know.  It really sucks. 

At any rate, I’m hoping the Succubus stays in medical treatment somewhere and gets some help; although that has not worked for her the last 5 to 7 times she’s attempted this.  One thing I must say is that she has never taken these many pills before, so I’m thinking for once she really meant to do it.  As bad as I have felt, I can sympathize with her for feeling that hopeless.  I’ve been there, and I’ve been there in the recent past.  However, every time my mind started to stray down the path of “not wanting to live anymore” I would remember that there were indeed people who, although they could manage without me, I could not deny that my doing something like that would hurt them tremendously.  When I would think about the ripples in the pond that my suicide would have made — made me realize I do have some value in this world and the fact that I have so much love for those people that I would never want to give them even a mild bit of pain with  my passing, makes me realize life is worth living.  A good time with them once every few months is worth all the rest of the mundane days, and the crappy days, and the despairing day every now and then. 

So although they don’t know it – these people saved my life, and will continue to do so; because of them, I know my life is way more good than bad: Hubby, Princess, Lola, Kitty, Mom, Dad, Lois, Jim, Nate, Tiffy, Joey, Brian, June, Tina, TayTay, Stewart, my other nieces and nephews, even my SIL and BIL, my cousins, Nicole, Kath, even my online precious friends Y and Karen and others.  I guess that’s a pretty good list of people.  This shows me I’ve done something in my life that I can be proud of.  I have the love and/or friendship of all these wonderful people.  I have two beautiful daughters.  I have a wonderful husband. 

I often feel unworthy – that I have nothing real to contribute anymore.  I often feel like people would be better off without me sucking the life out of them, or whatever.  I feel guilt  for needing more than I think I should.  I get so tired of slogging through life every day, never having enough money, always worrying about where our family is going next, worrying about whether or not I’m ever going to find the peace within that I crave.  How I will find the energy and the drive to do the things my heart and soul long to do.  Sometimes I get so frustrated that the thought I wish I didn’t exist goes through my mind just because it’s such hard work to just live today.  But the thought never goes far.  And that can be frustrating too because sometimes I feel so bad, because I’m *pinned* here!  But ultimately, that’s the best thing in my life.

Right now I am reconsidering the job I have taken.  It is very stressful and I’m not sure if that is the best thing for me.  I really need to decide if the extra $ from this position is worth the stress of it all.  I’m not certain that it is.  Hubby and I really need to talk this through and figure out what is best for us as a family and me as a mom.  The ultimate solution would be to get the damned transfer to Tennessee anytime soon!!!

Well, I am going to get off here – I am making progress around the house so I better take advantage of that.

Songs to blog by tonight:

Lady – Styx
Barely Breathing – Duncan Sheik
Respect Yourself – Bruce Willis
Southern Cross – CSN&Y
Can’t Stop – After 7
Big Log – Robert Plant

.. .. .. ..

Sometimes I Just Get This Feeling I’d Like To Throw My Hands Up In the Air and Say

I GIVE UP.

Seriously.  What is the point of caring about someone who always is going to put a piece of shit before you in their heart?  And no, I’m not talking about my man.  What is the point of loving someone and doing EVERYTHING for them — and someone else getting all the love and credit? 

I guess that’s the definition of unconditional love.  So I’ll just keep lashing my heart back together and hope the scar tissue gets tough enough to keep me from really losing it one of these days.  And maybe, just maybe, they’ll wake up and see it someday.  But knowing this person as well as I do — and knowing the privileged and cossetted life that she lives (and I’ve been responsible for bringing about) — she probably never will. 

Friendship That Catches Fire

Lola woke up at 4 this morning, apparently a bad dream.  I tried everything to get her to go back to sleep either in her bed or mine, but the only thing that worked was to go out to the living room with her, turn on a show with the volume down low, and lay on the couch with her on top of me, and she went to sleep that way.  I, however, could not go to sleep.  I laid there until the alarm clock went off.  I yawned my way through the day. 

Tonight I am trying to get some things done around here — and I am trying to come up with a plan to get things done the night before work so we don’t have to rush around to get out of the door on time, and maybe even be able to sleep a bit more.

Lola seems to be enjoying daycare.  She gets upset when we first leave but she seems really enthusiastic about it otherwise.  Again, I just need to come to terms with myself, because she’s apparently all for it.  I just miss her, and I struggle to get through every day interacting with others, when I would just as soon not.  I also hate getting up in the mornings, I’m always so damned tired.

Work is going ok.  I am getting along good with everyone, and taking on more tasks.  I am hoping that they will start giving me enough to keep busy all day without walking around asking people “Do you have anything for me to do?”  I hate doing that because it makes me feel like I have no worth.  I need to start packing lunch because it’s too cold to go out on the streets to buy lunch so I’ve been buying it in the cafe on the ground floor and it is EXPENSIVE!!!  Delicious, but expensive. 

Oh, another bummer is that I don’t get to see Hubby very much now.  He doesn’t get home from work until after 8, and that is if he doesn’t have overtime.  Last night he didn’t get home until midnight, and I don’t even think I woke up when he came in.  I leave way before he needs to be up.

A good thing though is that as long as traffic moves smoothly, I leave work at 4:30 and can be walking into the daycare to get Lola by 4:50.  This makes me happy.  It’s just a few minutes but I’ll take all the minutes I can grab with my little one!

Princess is doing great – homework galore – but doing well.  She is participating in Drama Club again this year and they are putting on a play in a week or so — she is in Little Women.  She has all of a sudden gotten really interested in sketching and designing fashion.  She’s done a few drawings that are actually very impressive.

Well that’s the update.  Nothing earth shattering.  I’m looking forward to getting my first paycheck.  It will come in handy-as I have done no Christmas shopping as of yet for the kids.  Wish me luck shopping this weekend.

Lastly I shared with my Hubby a wonderful quote, that we both feel describes our relationship perfectly…

“Love is Friendship That Catches Fire.”

Isn’t that beautiful?

CG

I miss *us*

I am definitely in a down time.  I did, however, express to my husband that I felt like he and I needed to reconnect in a “romantic” way because I feel like he and I are not as close as we have been as far as that sort of thing goes.  He has been great to me lately, very supportive of the things I’m trying to do to change my life, but as far as feeling like we are in love with each other, that feeling has not surfaced in a while on BOTH of our parts.  I know he loves me, and I am just feeling that maybe my declining beauty and getting older is really affecting his attraction to me.  Plus the weight and all that.  I don’t *feel* sexy so I don’t want to have sex, etc.

I have been focusing too much on that lbs number.  I kind of lost sight of why I started working out and taking better care of myself in the first place.  It wasn’t about getting skinny.  It was about getting *healthy*.  If I am feeling healthier — that is, less pain, more energy, better moods, etc. — THAT is the goal.  Not a number on the scale.  If I achieve the goals and I’m still a size 16 then that is going to have to be OK.  I cannot happily focus on something like that.  I have to find my beauty no matter where I am.  If as a side effect of living a bit healthier, I lose some weight, then fine.  But that cannot be the purpose. 

It has disappointed me that I am having to watch my calories SO damned closely.  I can’t do that.  I am going to continue to track my food, and try to stay within the caloric range.  I am trying to include lots of water, veggies and fruit, and protein in the mix; less carbs; but I’m not going to obsess over it.  I’m going to try to focus on getting more exercise…and worrying a bit less about eating rabbit food all day, every day.  This is not to say that I am going to go hog wild and eat junk food all the time again.  I know that is bad for me.  That is counterproductive to the “feeling better” mission. 

I have noticed that when I go a few days without drinking lots of water, my newly cleared-up skin starts breaking out like crazy.  I get canker sores in my mouth, my skin gets even drier than normal, etc.  So I know that water is absolutely imperative.  And I have been going kind of crazy with the pop drinking.  Because it is in the house.  Now that it is all gone (thanks to my binging), I can start over with that. 

I actually really enjoyed myself when I was holding out my streak on not drinking pop, and doing crunches every day, etc.  And I do enjoy doing cardio.  I wish I enjoyed strength training a bit more.  I hate doing it.  I hate calisthenics, and I hate dumbbells.  This is where I wish I was using circuit training machines.  Maybe if I had a workout bench, etc., and a specific place set aside for me to work out it would be easier.

I wish I could have time every day to do 45 minutes of (enjoyable) cardio, and 20 minutes of yoga.  The yoga I would prefer to do in the evening.  I *could* do it at night but after I put Lola to bed, I’m just so tired I want to sit and have a quiet moment or just go to bed.  I would do even more cardio if I could because I know it will benefit me.  The strength training I know I should do every other day 3 x a week.  It is just SO boring and hard to do when I have to look at the computer screen for every exercise and try to use things around the house for stability or balance. 

This has nothing to do with my mood except that I know that my lack of activity or structure really affects my feelings. 

After I shared with my husband today that I feel lonely and I miss our love and our chemistry, he came home with a card and flowers.  I love him.  I know he loves me and I just want to know that he still adores me like he used to.  I feel so scared that these inches of extra weight on me are draining his attraction to me.  And since I know my birth control pills are sapping all my libido our sex life has been nil lately.  I am switching back to my old pill at the end of this pack. 

I think I need to take a bit of time for myself — I mean, to spend a little time on being a *girly girl* and recharge my feminine batteries so to speak.  I need to color my hair, I need to get a pedicure, I need to go through my clothes and get all the prettiest stuff out for wearing.  I need some new shoes (as we’ve discussed), and I’d LOVE a little extra money to get some good outdoor walking clothes, and some Bare Essentials makeup.  Oh, wouldn’t that be lovely.

Money would help.  A lot.  As usual.

Done Wallowing

Ok, I’m done wallowing, I think. 

As regards the birthday.  Hubby did mention it like I said, when he brought me my McDonald’s breakfast sandwich (a weakness I sometimes indulge), he said it was a birthday sandwich.  That was the only mention all day.  He got home at 8:30 p.m. and I had to go right out the door to take Princess to the Halloween store to get some last minute things to go with her costume.  I also bought Lola’s costume while I was there.  Nothing big just a $15 purple leopard costume.

Anyway, we were heading home around 9:15 or 9:30 p.m. and at that point Princess had not mentioned my birthday all day.  She truly forgot.  It just wasn’t as important to her as her “real” mom’s birthday.  That is obvious.  One of my friends, to whom I have not been able to talk to for a couple of years (lives in California), called to wish me happy birthday and I guess Princess caught on from my end of the conversation that it was my birthday (for 3 more whole hours).  As we are walking in the house, once again with her hands full of stuff I bought her, she found it in her heart to say in a monotone, “Happy Birthday Liz.”  I said, “Thank you, Princess.” and just continued to go into the house.  At this point I had not heard from my mom and a couple of my siblings that celebrate birthdays so I was feeling pretty unloved and underappreciated by my family.  (Of course my best friends and niece can always be counted on to remember, but anyway…)  I retreated into the bedroom to cry a little bit and there was a card on my bed.

It was from Hubby and although the words were sweet, I felt really sad anyway, because I didn’t WANT a card.  I WANTED to be acknowledged, I wanted a little extra tenderness to make my day more special.  I KNOW we don’t have any money to buy presents, and that isn’t what it is about.  I just wanted a little extra love, but I actually got less that day than I normally do.  I laid there for a while and wallowed, but I could hear them in the other room whispering about me.  Whatever.  Then Princess couldn’t figure out where some items were for her costume (which I knew I was going to have to create myself anyway because she acts completely helpless sometimes, it is annoying).  I got up and found them and when I came into the room there was another card from Hubby. 

I don’t know why the cards made me feel worse, but they did.  Because I felt that there was no real thought put into it.  Almost like a last minute thing on his way home.  And he only knew to do that because he had talked to me a couple times during the day and I was really sad and wasn’t able to hide it in the tone of my voice. 

As far as Princess goes, it just burns my ass that I do everything for her and every time she hurts me or sells me short, or expects more out of me than anyone should, I forgive her and continue to jump through (fiery) hoops for her every day.  I don’t know many moms who would do for their kids the things I do for her.  I just want to give my kids everything, I want their every day to be a miracle.  But I guess I have made a mistake, because I feel every day that she loves me less and less.  And loves herself more and more.  I don’t know how I can fix this.  I’m sure this is just teenage stuff, but it still hurts that she can go through all this special trouble to do something for her mom’s birthday, and talks to her all sweet and tenderly on HER birthday but I get NOTHING. 

Yesterday afternoon I finally decided to tell Hubby how I felt about Princess and him and the non event of my birthday, and he acted like a jerk of course.  As usual, he tries to turn it around and make it my fault.  He even said he said “Happy Birthday” to me several times during the day, but girls, he is a lying butthead because he did not.  I think he is on crack or something.  LOL.  He hung up on me.  Then later, he acted like his phone died.  SURE, hon.  SURE. 

Ok, maybe getting mad about this is immature.  This kind of thing has never bothered me before and I don’t know why it is bothering me now.  I have been working so hard to be the best person I can be, and a good portion of why is because I wanted to be better for the two of THEM.  But apparently I’m not good or special enough to make my birthday special in any way.  What is sad is that TayTay, whom I have had nothing good to say about for over a month, REMEMBERED TO CALL ME AND WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY right after school.  Sad, huh?

So yeah, this has made my waning motivation disappear entirely.  Tomorrow is 11/1/07, when I am supposed to start Stage 2 of my SparkPeople health plan.  I have not logged on to SparkPeople since Saturday.  I haven’t watched my food, and I didn’t walk today, and I haven’t done crunches since Friday.  I haven’t done anything.  Yes, my sister’s visit distracted me and threw me off my momentum.  We spent a lot more money than we should have, and now we’re pretty much flat broke until NEXT Friday. 

So all of those things have discouraged me, and I can definitely see the effects of the lack of exercise and structure in my days.  I feel as bad as I did before I started my health and lifestyle changes a month ago. 

So I add to all this badness the need to forgive myself for not having the self determination to stick with it.  Even temporarily.  Because I fully intend to get back on track.  Now it is just for me, and to hell with “being a better person” for anyone else but me and Lola. 

And yes, in case you’re wondering, I am on my period so I’m sure this is coloring my feelings.

I do love my husband and I know he loves me, and I love my STEPdaughter and I know she loves me in her way.  But I think I am being taken for granted a bit at least by her.  As far as Hubby goes, I don’t see what I do that he could take for granted except take care of the kids.  I just feel like he doesn’t love me as much as he used to.  Maybe it is the fact that he has to deal with my depressions.  I feared that it would cause him to love me less, and from the angle I’m looking at now, I feel that it is. 

Well, journaling today was part of my “basic needs” checklist, which I bit the bullet and opened and am trying to get through as much of it as I can although I didn’t start it until 12:45 p.m.  I felt a journal entry was necessary to let people know what went down on my birthday.  And yesterday other than my argument with Hubby, I spent the afternoon decking my ungrateful STEPdaughter out for her Halloween dance, which I went through a lot of trouble working out a deal with her dad that she could be TEMPORARILY UNGROUNDED to be able to go to.  Because I am nice that way but this is not recognized or appreciated. 

Sometimes I feel so sad and despairing about the fact that Princess does not love me the way I had hoped she would (as much as I have loved her), I just want to leave, divorce Hubby and let him just raise her on his own.  She’d probably be happier that way because I feel like she dislikes me more than she likes me.

And that is where I am right now.  I have more of my checklist to do so I will go now.  And my daughter Lola wants me to hug her.  At least someone loves me.