Do you ever just hear a song, at just the right moment, and it moves you to tears?
Brilliant Disguise – Bruce Springsteen
It has been almost a month since my last post. Because we had gotten so behind in the money department our internet service was cut off. We don’t have it back up yet but probably in the next week or so.
Life is otherwise going well. My new job is stimulating, exciting and HARD. Kind of like my man. LOL
I love working in the courthouse. Not only is it cool to be in the courthouse, but by virtue of my job I’m right in the center of all the activity and all the stories, and all the people. I am enjoying it right now, and trying like crazy to avoid any horror stories of criminal trials but I know that soon that will not be an option. I have only been in the official position I was hired into, for about a week. I really enjoy it, and the people I am working with. I am very sorely missed up in the Probate department too so that is sweet to know.
I am doing some wonderful, special things for myself. This weekend I am getting my teeth whitened! And I’m having another skin consultation, and probably will schedule the first few weeks of whatever skin treatment I decide to go with. Probably microdermabrasion or peels or something. This is to work on reducing the appearance of the acne scars. After that I am going to see a local, very well known and respected cosmetic surgeon about getting neck liposuction or a chin or face lift. 😀
In the meantime, my BIL and SIL found a treadmill for me, and I’m looking for an exercise bike and mini trampoline for my fitness regimen. I decided that with everything else I have going on, going to a gym is not something I want to try to fit into my day. With the treadmill I can do walking or running for 30 to 45 minutes before I get ready for work every day. When I come home from work I’m going to do 30 additional minutes of cardio every other day, and the alternate days some flexibility or strength training.
My ultimate plan is to get to feeling as good about myself (my appearance, etc.) as possible. Because a lot of the things that bother me can be worked on. Thus the plan.
I made a list of all the things I want to do or set into motion as a regular thing and I’m going through it trying to make those things happen.
I got a fabulous new haircut too, and I would love to show you a pic but I am not really feeling like uploading pictures at this time. It’s SHORT! and it’s all newfangly and shorter in the back than the front. It’s really quite mod and sexy. Hubby loves it and I have gotten tons of compliments from everyone.
Long story short — feeling tons smarter, more valuable, and prettier. Also feeling tons more tired and when it’s been a long hard day, I am not quite being the nicest mom in the world. This is something I need to work on.
I am off meds as of last month. So far I have not seen the need to go back on. My doc was going to take me off them soon anyway if I continued to progress because now the doc and my therapist think maybe I’m not so much bipolar as someone who is affected by my environment to an extreme degree. I have been doing so much better since I went back to work that they feel that this alone should help me get back into a more steady mindset. So far, it has done just that.
And a few more paychecks coming in should improve our financial situation drastically. We are well pleased.
Lola is really doing well in daycare, so I think everyone is benefitting from this arrangement.
I love my babies and my man. They are my world and I’m so glad that everyone seems to be doing well in this situation.
This was supposed to be a quick update but turned out longer than I thought.
I have to go…I have limited time online and I need to check on all my buddies.
I am definitely in a down time. I did, however, express to my husband that I felt like he and I needed to reconnect in a “romantic” way because I feel like he and I are not as close as we have been as far as that sort of thing goes. He has been great to me lately, very supportive of the things I’m trying to do to change my life, but as far as feeling like we are in love with each other, that feeling has not surfaced in a while on BOTH of our parts. I know he loves me, and I am just feeling that maybe my declining beauty and getting older is really affecting his attraction to me. Plus the weight and all that. I don’t *feel* sexy so I don’t want to have sex, etc.
I have been focusing too much on that lbs number. I kind of lost sight of why I started working out and taking better care of myself in the first place. It wasn’t about getting skinny. It was about getting *healthy*. If I am feeling healthier — that is, less pain, more energy, better moods, etc. — THAT is the goal. Not a number on the scale. If I achieve the goals and I’m still a size 16 then that is going to have to be OK. I cannot happily focus on something like that. I have to find my beauty no matter where I am. If as a side effect of living a bit healthier, I lose some weight, then fine. But that cannot be the purpose.
It has disappointed me that I am having to watch my calories SO damned closely. I can’t do that. I am going to continue to track my food, and try to stay within the caloric range. I am trying to include lots of water, veggies and fruit, and protein in the mix; less carbs; but I’m not going to obsess over it. I’m going to try to focus on getting more exercise…and worrying a bit less about eating rabbit food all day, every day. This is not to say that I am going to go hog wild and eat junk food all the time again. I know that is bad for me. That is counterproductive to the “feeling better” mission.
I have noticed that when I go a few days without drinking lots of water, my newly cleared-up skin starts breaking out like crazy. I get canker sores in my mouth, my skin gets even drier than normal, etc. So I know that water is absolutely imperative. And I have been going kind of crazy with the pop drinking. Because it is in the house. Now that it is all gone (thanks to my binging), I can start over with that.
I actually really enjoyed myself when I was holding out my streak on not drinking pop, and doing crunches every day, etc. And I do enjoy doing cardio. I wish I enjoyed strength training a bit more. I hate doing it. I hate calisthenics, and I hate dumbbells. This is where I wish I was using circuit training machines. Maybe if I had a workout bench, etc., and a specific place set aside for me to work out it would be easier.
I wish I could have time every day to do 45 minutes of (enjoyable) cardio, and 20 minutes of yoga. The yoga I would prefer to do in the evening. I *could* do it at night but after I put Lola to bed, I’m just so tired I want to sit and have a quiet moment or just go to bed. I would do even more cardio if I could because I know it will benefit me. The strength training I know I should do every other day 3 x a week. It is just SO boring and hard to do when I have to look at the computer screen for every exercise and try to use things around the house for stability or balance.
This has nothing to do with my mood except that I know that my lack of activity or structure really affects my feelings.
After I shared with my husband today that I feel lonely and I miss our love and our chemistry, he came home with a card and flowers. I love him. I know he loves me and I just want to know that he still adores me like he used to. I feel so scared that these inches of extra weight on me are draining his attraction to me. And since I know my birth control pills are sapping all my libido our sex life has been nil lately. I am switching back to my old pill at the end of this pack.
I think I need to take a bit of time for myself — I mean, to spend a little time on being a *girly girl* and recharge my feminine batteries so to speak. I need to color my hair, I need to get a pedicure, I need to go through my clothes and get all the prettiest stuff out for wearing. I need some new shoes (as we’ve discussed), and I’d LOVE a little extra money to get some good outdoor walking clothes, and some Bare Essentials makeup. Oh, wouldn’t that be lovely.
Money would help. A lot. As usual.
Cuteness abounds…my babies looked adorable for Halloween this year!
Miles Walked: 2.5
Minutes Walked: 30
Workout Heart Rate: 110
Strength Training (Yes/No): Yes
Days Without Soda: 13/365
Days of Doing 50 Crunches: 14
Yoga (Yes/No): Yes
Glasses Water Drank: 9+
This has been a pretty good day, considering I spent a few hours out of the house running errands and visiting at the SIL’s house while Princess was in babysitting class with her cousin.
I am really tired and ready to go to bed. See the previous entry to see all the great stuff I accomplished in October! yay me!
November starts the next phase of my health regimen. My goal is to keep my calorie consumption around 1720 per day, and try to burn 300-600 calories a day. 30 minutes walking at the pace I walk burns me around 240 calories. I am thinking that I need to come up with something to do in the afternoon that can burn some more calories. Probably some calisthenics and some dancing. I just found a cool website and I’m thinking of ordering the dance videos: http://www.flirtygirlfitness.com — they have some sexy dance routines that I would like to do to help me get back in touch with sexy movement. I’m feeling distinctly non-sexy lately.
Oh, well, I should get off here and go to bed. Good night!
PS – My hair is really, really soft tonight. Like clouds in heaven. Too bad my hubby is too busy fixing other peoples’ computers in the basement, because he’s missing out on some hair paradise up here. And it smells great too.