Ok, I’m done wallowing, I think.
As regards the birthday. Hubby did mention it like I said, when he brought me my McDonald’s breakfast sandwich (a weakness I sometimes indulge), he said it was a birthday sandwich. That was the only mention all day. He got home at 8:30 p.m. and I had to go right out the door to take Princess to the Halloween store to get some last minute things to go with her costume. I also bought Lola’s costume while I was there. Nothing big just a $15 purple leopard costume.
Anyway, we were heading home around 9:15 or 9:30 p.m. and at that point Princess had not mentioned my birthday all day. She truly forgot. It just wasn’t as important to her as her “real” mom’s birthday. That is obvious. One of my friends, to whom I have not been able to talk to for a couple of years (lives in California), called to wish me happy birthday and I guess Princess caught on from my end of the conversation that it was my birthday (for 3 more whole hours). As we are walking in the house, once again with her hands full of stuff I bought her, she found it in her heart to say in a monotone, “Happy Birthday Liz.” I said, “Thank you, Princess.” and just continued to go into the house. At this point I had not heard from my mom and a couple of my siblings that celebrate birthdays so I was feeling pretty unloved and underappreciated by my family. (Of course my best friends and niece can always be counted on to remember, but anyway…) I retreated into the bedroom to cry a little bit and there was a card on my bed.
It was from Hubby and although the words were sweet, I felt really sad anyway, because I didn’t WANT a card. I WANTED to be acknowledged, I wanted a little extra tenderness to make my day more special. I KNOW we don’t have any money to buy presents, and that isn’t what it is about. I just wanted a little extra love, but I actually got less that day than I normally do. I laid there for a while and wallowed, but I could hear them in the other room whispering about me. Whatever. Then Princess couldn’t figure out where some items were for her costume (which I knew I was going to have to create myself anyway because she acts completely helpless sometimes, it is annoying). I got up and found them and when I came into the room there was another card from Hubby.
I don’t know why the cards made me feel worse, but they did. Because I felt that there was no real thought put into it. Almost like a last minute thing on his way home. And he only knew to do that because he had talked to me a couple times during the day and I was really sad and wasn’t able to hide it in the tone of my voice.
As far as Princess goes, it just burns my ass that I do everything for her and every time she hurts me or sells me short, or expects more out of me than anyone should, I forgive her and continue to jump through (fiery) hoops for her every day. I don’t know many moms who would do for their kids the things I do for her. I just want to give my kids everything, I want their every day to be a miracle. But I guess I have made a mistake, because I feel every day that she loves me less and less. And loves herself more and more. I don’t know how I can fix this. I’m sure this is just teenage stuff, but it still hurts that she can go through all this special trouble to do something for her mom’s birthday, and talks to her all sweet and tenderly on HER birthday but I get NOTHING.
Yesterday afternoon I finally decided to tell Hubby how I felt about Princess and him and the non event of my birthday, and he acted like a jerk of course. As usual, he tries to turn it around and make it my fault. He even said he said “Happy Birthday” to me several times during the day, but girls, he is a lying butthead because he did not. I think he is on crack or something. LOL. He hung up on me. Then later, he acted like his phone died. SURE, hon. SURE.
Ok, maybe getting mad about this is immature. This kind of thing has never bothered me before and I don’t know why it is bothering me now. I have been working so hard to be the best person I can be, and a good portion of why is because I wanted to be better for the two of THEM. But apparently I’m not good or special enough to make my birthday special in any way. What is sad is that TayTay, whom I have had nothing good to say about for over a month, REMEMBERED TO CALL ME AND WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY right after school. Sad, huh?
So yeah, this has made my waning motivation disappear entirely. Tomorrow is 11/1/07, when I am supposed to start Stage 2 of my SparkPeople health plan. I have not logged on to SparkPeople since Saturday. I haven’t watched my food, and I didn’t walk today, and I haven’t done crunches since Friday. I haven’t done anything. Yes, my sister’s visit distracted me and threw me off my momentum. We spent a lot more money than we should have, and now we’re pretty much flat broke until NEXT Friday.
So all of those things have discouraged me, and I can definitely see the effects of the lack of exercise and structure in my days. I feel as bad as I did before I started my health and lifestyle changes a month ago.
So I add to all this badness the need to forgive myself for not having the self determination to stick with it. Even temporarily. Because I fully intend to get back on track. Now it is just for me, and to hell with “being a better person” for anyone else but me and Lola.
And yes, in case you’re wondering, I am on my period so I’m sure this is coloring my feelings.
I do love my husband and I know he loves me, and I love my STEPdaughter and I know she loves me in her way. But I think I am being taken for granted a bit at least by her. As far as Hubby goes, I don’t see what I do that he could take for granted except take care of the kids. I just feel like he doesn’t love me as much as he used to. Maybe it is the fact that he has to deal with my depressions. I feared that it would cause him to love me less, and from the angle I’m looking at now, I feel that it is.
Well, journaling today was part of my “basic needs” checklist, which I bit the bullet and opened and am trying to get through as much of it as I can although I didn’t start it until 12:45 p.m. I felt a journal entry was necessary to let people know what went down on my birthday. And yesterday other than my argument with Hubby, I spent the afternoon decking my ungrateful STEPdaughter out for her Halloween dance, which I went through a lot of trouble working out a deal with her dad that she could be TEMPORARILY UNGROUNDED to be able to go to. Because I am nice that way but this is not recognized or appreciated.
Sometimes I feel so sad and despairing about the fact that Princess does not love me the way I had hoped she would (as much as I have loved her), I just want to leave, divorce Hubby and let him just raise her on his own. She’d probably be happier that way because I feel like she dislikes me more than she likes me.
And that is where I am right now. I have more of my checklist to do so I will go now. And my daughter Lola wants me to hug her. At least someone loves me.