Done Wallowing

Ok, I’m done wallowing, I think. 

As regards the birthday.  Hubby did mention it like I said, when he brought me my McDonald’s breakfast sandwich (a weakness I sometimes indulge), he said it was a birthday sandwich.  That was the only mention all day.  He got home at 8:30 p.m. and I had to go right out the door to take Princess to the Halloween store to get some last minute things to go with her costume.  I also bought Lola’s costume while I was there.  Nothing big just a $15 purple leopard costume.

Anyway, we were heading home around 9:15 or 9:30 p.m. and at that point Princess had not mentioned my birthday all day.  She truly forgot.  It just wasn’t as important to her as her “real” mom’s birthday.  That is obvious.  One of my friends, to whom I have not been able to talk to for a couple of years (lives in California), called to wish me happy birthday and I guess Princess caught on from my end of the conversation that it was my birthday (for 3 more whole hours).  As we are walking in the house, once again with her hands full of stuff I bought her, she found it in her heart to say in a monotone, “Happy Birthday Liz.”  I said, “Thank you, Princess.” and just continued to go into the house.  At this point I had not heard from my mom and a couple of my siblings that celebrate birthdays so I was feeling pretty unloved and underappreciated by my family.  (Of course my best friends and niece can always be counted on to remember, but anyway…)  I retreated into the bedroom to cry a little bit and there was a card on my bed.

It was from Hubby and although the words were sweet, I felt really sad anyway, because I didn’t WANT a card.  I WANTED to be acknowledged, I wanted a little extra tenderness to make my day more special.  I KNOW we don’t have any money to buy presents, and that isn’t what it is about.  I just wanted a little extra love, but I actually got less that day than I normally do.  I laid there for a while and wallowed, but I could hear them in the other room whispering about me.  Whatever.  Then Princess couldn’t figure out where some items were for her costume (which I knew I was going to have to create myself anyway because she acts completely helpless sometimes, it is annoying).  I got up and found them and when I came into the room there was another card from Hubby. 

I don’t know why the cards made me feel worse, but they did.  Because I felt that there was no real thought put into it.  Almost like a last minute thing on his way home.  And he only knew to do that because he had talked to me a couple times during the day and I was really sad and wasn’t able to hide it in the tone of my voice. 

As far as Princess goes, it just burns my ass that I do everything for her and every time she hurts me or sells me short, or expects more out of me than anyone should, I forgive her and continue to jump through (fiery) hoops for her every day.  I don’t know many moms who would do for their kids the things I do for her.  I just want to give my kids everything, I want their every day to be a miracle.  But I guess I have made a mistake, because I feel every day that she loves me less and less.  And loves herself more and more.  I don’t know how I can fix this.  I’m sure this is just teenage stuff, but it still hurts that she can go through all this special trouble to do something for her mom’s birthday, and talks to her all sweet and tenderly on HER birthday but I get NOTHING. 

Yesterday afternoon I finally decided to tell Hubby how I felt about Princess and him and the non event of my birthday, and he acted like a jerk of course.  As usual, he tries to turn it around and make it my fault.  He even said he said “Happy Birthday” to me several times during the day, but girls, he is a lying butthead because he did not.  I think he is on crack or something.  LOL.  He hung up on me.  Then later, he acted like his phone died.  SURE, hon.  SURE. 

Ok, maybe getting mad about this is immature.  This kind of thing has never bothered me before and I don’t know why it is bothering me now.  I have been working so hard to be the best person I can be, and a good portion of why is because I wanted to be better for the two of THEM.  But apparently I’m not good or special enough to make my birthday special in any way.  What is sad is that TayTay, whom I have had nothing good to say about for over a month, REMEMBERED TO CALL ME AND WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY right after school.  Sad, huh?

So yeah, this has made my waning motivation disappear entirely.  Tomorrow is 11/1/07, when I am supposed to start Stage 2 of my SparkPeople health plan.  I have not logged on to SparkPeople since Saturday.  I haven’t watched my food, and I didn’t walk today, and I haven’t done crunches since Friday.  I haven’t done anything.  Yes, my sister’s visit distracted me and threw me off my momentum.  We spent a lot more money than we should have, and now we’re pretty much flat broke until NEXT Friday. 

So all of those things have discouraged me, and I can definitely see the effects of the lack of exercise and structure in my days.  I feel as bad as I did before I started my health and lifestyle changes a month ago. 

So I add to all this badness the need to forgive myself for not having the self determination to stick with it.  Even temporarily.  Because I fully intend to get back on track.  Now it is just for me, and to hell with “being a better person” for anyone else but me and Lola. 

And yes, in case you’re wondering, I am on my period so I’m sure this is coloring my feelings.

I do love my husband and I know he loves me, and I love my STEPdaughter and I know she loves me in her way.  But I think I am being taken for granted a bit at least by her.  As far as Hubby goes, I don’t see what I do that he could take for granted except take care of the kids.  I just feel like he doesn’t love me as much as he used to.  Maybe it is the fact that he has to deal with my depressions.  I feared that it would cause him to love me less, and from the angle I’m looking at now, I feel that it is. 

Well, journaling today was part of my “basic needs” checklist, which I bit the bullet and opened and am trying to get through as much of it as I can although I didn’t start it until 12:45 p.m.  I felt a journal entry was necessary to let people know what went down on my birthday.  And yesterday other than my argument with Hubby, I spent the afternoon decking my ungrateful STEPdaughter out for her Halloween dance, which I went through a lot of trouble working out a deal with her dad that she could be TEMPORARILY UNGROUNDED to be able to go to.  Because I am nice that way but this is not recognized or appreciated. 

Sometimes I feel so sad and despairing about the fact that Princess does not love me the way I had hoped she would (as much as I have loved her), I just want to leave, divorce Hubby and let him just raise her on his own.  She’d probably be happier that way because I feel like she dislikes me more than she likes me.

And that is where I am right now.  I have more of my checklist to do so I will go now.  And my daughter Lola wants me to hug her.  At least someone loves me.

Just So You Know

I am taking a day off from everything, including journaling, etc.  I think most of you know why.  I’m just going to lay around with my kids and read and eat what I want to, etc.  Because starting on 11/1/07 my life is going to be a bit more structured and I won’t be able to eat everything I want, etc.  I am really committed to making this change. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting here pigging out, but I am eating what sounds good to me at meals, etc.  I’m not planning it out, etc.  Starting 11/1 I will be planning it out and sticking to my plan, etc.  I hope by Christmas I will look significantly more fit.  😀

So far I have gotten a “Happy Birthday” breakfast sandwich from my hubby and that is it.  I know we are broke, but I hope that this isn’t all I get.  I was hoping to at least get treated special today.  My oldest daughter has shown no signs of remembering, nor am I going to remind her.  This tells me a lot as to where I stand in comparison to her “real” mom, whose birthday was NOT forgotten.

So far, then, the birthday isn’t really going as well as I had hoped.  But I’m not going to be prancing around waving my hands and saying “Hey! Hey! Over here! It’s my birthday today! Pet on me!”  But inside I’m doing that.  LOL.

Oh well.  Maybe later in the evening when hubby gets home and nothing has happened, I will go out and buy myself a new lipstick or something.

At least I have the sweetest baby in the world to keep me company today.  And also, a few of my good friends have remembered.  Thank you, Yvonne!

Hanging in there … End of day 10.26.07

Miles Walked: 1
Minutes Walked: 10
Workout Heart Rate: 120
Strength Training (Yes/No): No
Days Without Soda: 12/365
Days of Doing 50 Crunches:  12
Yoga (Yes/No): No
Glasses Water Drank: 9+

I was running around like crazy today.  I still managed to fit in my 50 crunches, and drink lots of water, and avoid soda, even though people at the dinner table were drinking it.  I ate quite a bit of dinner yet managed to stay under my calories. 

I got a lot of things done – including paying bills, grocery shopping, getting new drivers license and tags, etc.  And that is just the tip of the iceberg. 

I was really stressed last night and just went to bed early because I was feeling overwhelmed by all I had to do today.  But it actually went well and stretched out over the day with no problems.

It is nice to have my sister in town visiting.  We are going to Mackinac tomorrow, so I am really looking forward to that.  The best part is how happy the kids are that they are here.  They are more like grandparents to my kids than aunt and uncle.

Right now, I am really tired, so I am going to go to bed.

I used to be lunatic, from the gracious days…I used to be woebegone…and so restless nights…

My husband and I have been running errands all day since about 7 a.m.  I did not get to walk first thing this morning.  But right before Hubby went to work, I walked for 10 minutes.  Actually I walked 5 and jogged 5.  I do not like jogging, I have reinforced in my mind.  Not good on the old knees.

I was able to make some time to do my 50 crunches, but I have done no stretching today.  Not good for going walking/running earlier, but I didn’t have time and I was feeling kind of low because I hadn’t been outside, so my hubby let me go out for a quick walk and I’m glad because I felt much better after I got back.

I am cleaning, running errands, etc., in anticipation of my sister’s arrival this evening.  I will probably not have much time to get on here over the weekend, but I’m hoping to entice my sister into walking with me.  She is staying at a hotel nearby, but maybe she will walk with me later in the day.

We are going up to Mackinaw Island tomorrow to see the Grand Hotel.  Somewhere in Time is one of my sister’s favorite movies and I’ve been telling her we should go up and see where it was filmed.  I’ve never been over to the island myself, but when I first moved up here, I interviewed for the executive assistant to the owner of the hotel.  If I had taken the job I would have lived in the Grand Hotel 6 months out of the year.  But that would have taken me 4 hours away from my now- hubby and Princess and I wasn’t really keen on that.  I had just moved to Michigan to be close to them because I was 4 hours away in the other direction!  But it would have been nice to live in the Grand Hotel.  Well, now I’ll get to see what I missed.

Little Lola is now experiencing something new — she is painting on the easel with paints and brushes for the first time, and she is quite the artist!  I believe she will be prolific with the artwork, like her big sister was.

Well, I have got to get back to my to-do list!  Have a great weekend.

Today’s Inspirational Muse Brought to you By:

No More I Love You’s — Annie Lennox
Wild West Show – Big & Rich
Barely Breathing – Duncan Sheik
Head to Toe – Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam
Promises – Eric Clapton
Rumors – Timex Social Club

Great Day!

Ladies — Today is going GREAT.

I woke up at 8:20 a.m. and actually got up out of the bed on my own, NO prodding from the hubby, and I got dressed, did my stretches, got ready to go and walked into my bedroom.  My hubby was laying there with his eyes open, and he looked really surprised that I was dressed, mp3 player and timer ready to go.  I said, “I’m outta here, hon.” and he looked really impressed.

Out the door I went.  The music was great on my mp3 player and I was walking fast…I’ve been reading on this great walking website (http://www.thewalkingsite.com/beginner.html) about short and quick strides and visualizing walking a straight line, looking straight ahead and not at the ground, etc.  Also they said the faster you swing your arms, your legs will follow and this works.  The sun was filtering through the trees, so every few steps I would emerge into a shaft of sunlight and it felt so good.  It was chilly, but the sunshine was warm.  I walked without pain for approximately half the walk.  Started to get a bit sore in the second half, but not as bad as it has been previously.  I suspect that this is because of the flexibility exercises I’ve been doing from the previously mentioned walking website.  I just felt happy to be alive, happy that I am sticking to something for the first time in years, and knowing that my husband is proud of me.

I have been working out my plan for weight loss when going in to Phase 2 of the SparkPeople program.  I have figured it out that for the first 10 or 20 lbs I need to keep my calorie intake to no more than 1720 calories per day, and I want to try to burn 200-600 calories per day.  I’m not sure how I am going to structure this, now that we are going into the lovely season of Winter here in Michigan and I am not a penguin so I don’t like being out there too long.

I am planning on making Phase 2 last 12 weeks instead of 6.  I’m going to work for 2 weeks on each of the week’s points so that I can make sure they are embedded in my mind.  I need that extra bit of reinforcement to make sure things stick. 

If I could lose 2 lbs per week, by the time I am out of Phase 2, I could have lost 24 lbs.  That would take me down to 166 lbs., and a lot closer to my first goal of 160.  Once I’m there, I am hoping to get down to 150 or 140.  I think this is a nice weight for me to be, not too skinny, I get to keep my curves that my hubby loves and still be slim enough to wear the things I really enjoy wearing. 

Weight loss has become more of an interest since I have begun this change in my life-style.  I originally started this to work on modulating my mood swings for the bipolar disorder.  I have found without doubt that this is working for that.  These changes I’m making are not only exercise and nutrition, but also being more conscious of how I spend my time and making sure that I take care of my responsibilities as a wife, mother, friend and daughter.  Now that I have proved to myself that this is really helping me emotionally and mentally, and I am starting to see the benefits of consistent exercise and controlling my urge to overeat, I am hoping that my dream of getting back to a sexy body is closer than I had been thinking.  It seemed as far away as the moon.  I figured I couldn’t even meet my basic needs, how the hell could I possibly get fit?  No self control, no determination, no dedication, etc.  But I’m finding that I still have that in me–and the momentum builds as I get up and add another day to the tally of days I have lived this new way.

I am also seeing a definite lack of “fun” in my life, and I am really thinking about what I can do to infuse some enjoyment back into my days.  I mean, hanging out with my kids is fun, but I mean “MY” kind of fun…reading, other hobbies, etc.  It is time.  I am hoping that I can really curb the internet time, and spend that time with my kids, and also making time to seize joy during my days. 

Today for instance, the house is basically straightened up.  I don’t worry too much about the living room because that is where Lola plays.  I clean that up at night before bedtime so we start fresh in the morning.  The rest of the house is straightened, beds made, etc.  Tomorrow I will need to sweep and mop in preparation for my sister’s arrival, although I doubt she really cares about such things.  I will also do a load of laundry today as well, but other than that, housework is done.  It is currently 11:30 a.m. and I do have to run around this afternoon, so my time at home is short.  I have to go to my SIL’s house for 2-3 hours this evening while Princess is attending a babysitting course with her cousin in SIL’s neighborhood.  After that I need to get some groceries in the house this evening before my sister comes tomorrow.

I think I feel a bit uneasy like I’m missing something or should be doing more.  I can’t really see what though.  I am really not in the mood to take on some huge house overhaul or anything.  No special projects other than overhauling myself.  I think I may feel a bit funny about how much time I’m spending on SparkPeople right now but I think in order to effect the changes I’m trying to effect, I need to be on there to help keep my mind focused, or my eyes on the prize, as it were.

I just spend an hour or so going through the site, reading articles, etc.  I go to My SparkPoints page and I basically go down the list and do everything and get my points — but it helps me because I am watching those videos, and reading about nutrition and health conditions, etc.  It stays with me through the day and keeps me more conscious of my health decisions.

Wow, this is long winded.  I guess I should go and live my life today.  Thanks for listening.

Today’s Inspirational Muse brought to you by:

Would I Lie To You? – Eddy & Something or other, the name is screwed up.
Shining Star – Earth, Wind & Fire
Rock Steady – The Whispers
Where Da Party At – Nelly (feat. Jagged Edge)
Last Night I Didn’t Get To Sleep at All – Fifth Dimension
Crazy – Gnarls Barkley
Do Me! – Bell Biv Devoe
The Power – Snap

End of Day 10.24.07

Miles Walked: 2
Minutes Walked: 20
Workout Heart Rate: 120
Strength Training (Yes/No): No
Days Without Soda: 11/365
Days of Doing 50 Crunches:  10
Yoga (Yes/No): No
Glasses Water Drank: 9+

I am fighting down a really down mood by listening to Monty Python.  This is keeping me distracted from writing a real journal entry.  Just wanted to share that I completed quite a list of things to do, plus met all my health/fitness goals.  I am preparing to go into Stage 2 on SparkPeople next week.  I’ll explain tomorrow, but still…Wish me luck!