Blast from the past

So, I was going through some of my old papers and keepsakes and I came across this thing I wrote when I was 18.  I guess I’ve been bipolar for longer than I wanted to admit.  I’m going to take this to therapy with me next Wednesday because I think using it I can identify the things I’m still doing, the patterns I am still repeating.  Keep in mind that some of it might sound a bit braggy but this is just something I wrote to myself, not for others to see.  OK?

OK, Here goes…

I am 18 years old.  I have a full time job with a law firm.  I have my very own apartment.  I work with my best friend.  But somehow, I’m not happy at all with my life.  I want to quit.  Go far away for a while.  I want to just play outside and be in love with someone.  I want to go home.  To my Mom.

I feel like there’s nowhere I can turn, nothing I can do to change the direction my life is going.  Love would make it all worthwhile, but the ones I want to be with don’t want to be with me, and the ones who want me I don’t want!

I’m behind in my bills.  I want to buy myself pretty clothes, but I don’t have any money.  I like my apartment, but it’s lonely.  I miss my sisters.  I’d like to live near them, but then I’d be too far from my parents.

I am worn down.  I’m always sick.  I am gaining weight.  I don’t like myself.  I butchered my hair and I’m pale as Casper the Friendly Ghost.

I have this urge to run away somewhere very warm and curl up and just sleep for hours and hours.

I cry all the time.  I want to be like I used to be, really  happy; not just faking it.  I don’t want these mood swings.  I don’t want to lash out at my family and friends.  I don’t like getting up in the morning and going to the breakfast table, and not being able to pick up my spoon because my hands are shaking so much.

I don’t want to have nightmares anymore.  I don’t want to be alone.  I’d move back home but I don’t want to lose my independence.  I can’t go to college because I can’t afford it.  I’m scared of what my future might be.  I don’t think I can handle all this pressure.  I always thought I was emotionally stronger than most people, but I am beginning to realize just how fragile I really am.  I’m scared for my state of mind.  I’m afraid I’m going crazy.

Does everyone feel like this at 18?  If so, how come I never hear about it? Why does it seem like my life is abundant with stress and problems?  Every day is worse.  I mean, not little mishaps, but tragedies? (I have to chuckle a little here–I had no idea what tragedies were.)  I sometimes feel like I am alone in this world, I feel like people will never understand how I feel or think.  I don’t communicate well, because so many things jumble through my mind at once and I lose track.

You know what’s funny.  People always comment on how “together” my life is, for being 18, and how “perky” I am, but I’m really not.  I’d be myself, but every time I try, I make people upset and angry because they can’t handle how angry I am at life.  How depressed I am, etc.  It’s like I’m not ALLOWED to be sad or nervous or anxious or unhappy.

God, I’m so scared.  I don’t know who I am or what I should do.  I want to LIVE.  I want to be YOUNG! while I still can, I want to enjoy it all, but I have been so blind and forced myself out into a world where I can’t get back to being a kid.  I’m trapped here and I’m only 18.  Why did I do all of this?  I don’t know what to do.  I’m so lost and confused.

I am bogged down.  I need some time off.  I want to just up and run away and not tell anyone.  But how can I?  Too many people expect things of me, and to run away would ruin what self esteem I have left.  I want to be able to handle it all, I want to feel good about myself, but I have a feeling I’m headed for a breakdown. And I’m only 18.

Wow — Debbie Downer, huh?  And I feel like this alot of the time, even today, almost 18 years later. 

I have to laugh though and say I was an emo kid before the term ’emo kid’ came along.  Lord help me.