Cycling through Anger Feelings

So I am feeling angry.  I was thinking about the way I feel, all the damned time.  I have all the ingredients for a happy life…things I don’t want to lose, nor would I ever trade.  But I am feeling so angry because no matter what I do I can’t seem to change my stupid depression issues.  I feel so mad because there is no magic pill to make this all go away and never, ever come back.  I am in the anger phase of accepting that I will always, always have to battle this bullshit for the rest of my life.  Even if I live my life as healthy as I possibly could, take my meds, etc., I am still going to have these downs and this is what I have to look forward to the rest of my damned life.

And I know I could have more energy if I was making healthier choices with regard to my life style. I KNOW already!  I could have more get-up-and-go if I just ate better and exercised, etc., got out of the house, etc.  So I’d like someone to tell me just how the hell am I supposed to do that when I have zero energy, zero drive, zero motivation to do any damned thing.  One has to have a fair amount of get-up-and-go to motivate oneself to defeat depression — yet the very nature of depression is that it depletes all your get up and go.  So I don’t see how this could be anything but a no win situation.

So I’m pissed because I just wanted better for myself.  But damned if I can get myself up off my stupid ass to fix anything.  I hate myself, a lot…right now.

Ugh, I don’t even want to talk to you guys about it.  Why did I even write this stupid tripe?

Self Loathing Abounds



2 thoughts on “Cycling through Anger Feelings

  1. You wrote here because you have friends who understand and will lift you up when you cannot do it for yourself. You know I fight similar demons and I truly understand your frustration.

    I am pushing myself right now. I’ve begun to exercise again even though it really, really hurts. I don’t want to do it but I have to. How do I motivate myself to do it? By not thinking about it, just doing it. Just put in the damn DVD and push play or put on the sneakers and go. No choice, no discussion. Just go.

    Just slip on comfortable shoes, put that sweet angel of yours in her stroller and go for a walk around the block. That’s a great start. Go.

    You can do this.

    I love you. Yvonne

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