Still angry, but…

Thanks for the response, Y — and I got some feedback on one of my bipolar message boards.  I know that this is actually a breakthrough–I think that I wanted to think maybe the bipolar diagnosis was wrong.  That I didn’t need the meds.  Actually these thought patterns are normal for a bipolar person.  I found that I was wrong and I have to say that life was better with the lamictal than without.  I have been getting back on lamictal for a few days, going back on it at half dose for a couple of weeks then I’ll go back to my full dose.  I’m actually thinking after I level out for a while on it, I may ask my pdoc to up the dosage.  I’m still way under the normal dosage. 

I have been thinking all day about what could help me stay motivated and I’m thinking I really could use a life coach.  I know they’re expensive but I need someone who is dedicated to keeping me aware of myself and kicking me in the heiny when needed.  I know there are a lot of my friends online who are there to lend an ear, but I think I need to have someone that I’m accountable to (other than my hubby or other family member). 

Our friend Catie has been doing this as most of us know — and she loves it — do you think it might help me?

I feel a little bit more acknowledged in the world so I appreciate my friends who have had something to say in the matter.  I think it’s time to have a little “me” time…I’m sure that will help me feel better.  Thanks again…


Cycling through Anger Feelings

So I am feeling angry.  I was thinking about the way I feel, all the damned time.  I have all the ingredients for a happy life…things I don’t want to lose, nor would I ever trade.  But I am feeling so angry because no matter what I do I can’t seem to change my stupid depression issues.  I feel so mad because there is no magic pill to make this all go away and never, ever come back.  I am in the anger phase of accepting that I will always, always have to battle this bullshit for the rest of my life.  Even if I live my life as healthy as I possibly could, take my meds, etc., I am still going to have these downs and this is what I have to look forward to the rest of my damned life.

And I know I could have more energy if I was making healthier choices with regard to my life style. I KNOW already!  I could have more get-up-and-go if I just ate better and exercised, etc., got out of the house, etc.  So I’d like someone to tell me just how the hell am I supposed to do that when I have zero energy, zero drive, zero motivation to do any damned thing.  One has to have a fair amount of get-up-and-go to motivate oneself to defeat depression — yet the very nature of depression is that it depletes all your get up and go.  So I don’t see how this could be anything but a no win situation.

So I’m pissed because I just wanted better for myself.  But damned if I can get myself up off my stupid ass to fix anything.  I hate myself, a lot…right now.

Ugh, I don’t even want to talk to you guys about it.  Why did I even write this stupid tripe?

Self Loathing Abounds