Thanks for the response, Y — and I got some feedback on one of my bipolar message boards. I know that this is actually a breakthrough–I think that I wanted to think maybe the bipolar diagnosis was wrong. That I didn’t need the meds. Actually these thought patterns are normal for a bipolar person. I found that I was wrong and I have to say that life was better with the lamictal than without. I have been getting back on lamictal for a few days, going back on it at half dose for a couple of weeks then I’ll go back to my full dose. I’m actually thinking after I level out for a while on it, I may ask my pdoc to up the dosage. I’m still way under the normal dosage.
I have been thinking all day about what could help me stay motivated and I’m thinking I really could use a life coach. I know they’re expensive but I need someone who is dedicated to keeping me aware of myself and kicking me in the heiny when needed. I know there are a lot of my friends online who are there to lend an ear, but I think I need to have someone that I’m accountable to (other than my hubby or other family member).
Our friend Catie has been doing this as most of us know — and she loves it — do you think it might help me?
I feel a little bit more acknowledged in the world so I appreciate my friends who have had something to say in the matter. I think it’s time to have a little “me” time…I’m sure that will help me feel better. Thanks again…
So I am feeling angry. I was thinking about the way I feel, all the damned time. I have all the ingredients for a happy life…things I don’t want to lose, nor would I ever trade. But I am feeling so angry because no matter what I do I can’t seem to change my stupid depression issues. I feel so mad because there is no magic pill to make this all go away and never, ever come back. I am in the anger phase of accepting that I will always, always have to battle this bullshit for the rest of my life. Even if I live my life as healthy as I possibly could, take my meds, etc., I am still going to have these downs and this is what I have to look forward to the rest of my damned life.
And I know I could have more energy if I was making healthier choices with regard to my life style. I KNOW already! I could have more get-up-and-go if I just ate better and exercised, etc., got out of the house, etc. So I’d like someone to tell me just how the hell am I supposed to do that when I have zero energy, zero drive, zero motivation to do any damned thing. One has to have a fair amount of get-up-and-go to motivate oneself to defeat depression — yet the very nature of depression is that it depletes all your get up and go. So I don’t see how this could be anything but a no win situation.
So I’m pissed because I just wanted better for myself. But damned if I can get myself up off my stupid ass to fix anything. I hate myself, a lot…right now.
Ugh, I don’t even want to talk to you guys about it. Why did I even write this stupid tripe?
Self Loathing Abounds