Current mood: apathetic
You know, the main issue I have that upsets me the most about being bipolar is my total and utter lack of motivation some days. Today would be one of those days. Inside my heart I want to get up out of this chair and be productive. But I just feel so overwhelmed and like I am never going to get anywhere, so why even try?
Before I was put on Lamictal, my regular doctor had prescribed Celexa for me and I was a zombie most of the time. I mean, I would get up with my then 18 month old, and sit on the couch struggling to stay awake, all day long. Nothing got done I could barely function. I only did what I needed to do for the baby, nothing for myself or anyone else. Bills did not get paid, etc.
When I started taking the Lamictal the first couple of months I was up up up and energy and all that. I thought it was the Lamictal but probably I was in a manic phase. 😦 Anyway I will say this for the Lamictal. When I get up in the morning I am awake and have the physical energy to do the stuff I want or need to do–it’s just the emotional or mental energy that I lack. I am definitely doing much more and much better things for my daughter who is now 25 months old. In that I am really glad for the Lamictal. My baby is so much happier now, and she is so smart and with my help she is learning faster than I could imagine a 25 month old doing. And that gives me some joy when I think on it.
But some (most) days I just can’t muster up the drive to keep things clean at home–this might not be important to some but to me, a clean house helps me keep an uncluttered mind. Chaos in my house just makes me feel worse. I do get up and straighten up at least every other day, I make myself which is more than I could do before the Lamictal.
Here’s the thing that worries me is that I really need to stay on top of things like paying the bills on time and household stuff. I need to go to the grocery store and get some more food in here, we have food but it’s all those odds and ends nobody wants to eat because they’d rather have the good stuff (LOL). I need to balance the checkbook (it needs it badly) and figure out how to catch up on the bills in the next couple of paydays. I need to work out a real budget–one that really works. I need to *stick* to that budget and not do the shop therapy thing. I need to get some exercise. There are so many things I need to do, but my ass is glued to this chair.
I told my therapist that I am lazy and a procrastinator. She doesn’t like me to use the word lazy but I’m thinking that this is what I am. Lazy and mostly useless…I am a good mother, I think, but only because she depends on me absolutely. I wish I could depend on myself to take care of ME that well.
OK, even this post has no direction. Sorry…
|Currently listening :
Get Behind Me Satan
By The White Stripes
Release date: By 07 June, 2005