Anxiety

OK, so last night I was on the computer playing a game, and Lola was crawling all over me.  She would climb behind me in the chair which I thought was ok because there was me in front of her and the chair’s back behind her.  Still, it was annoying so I would put her down or Hubby would.  He was sitting beside me.  Anyway, the last time it happened, she was behind me and she was trying to crawl up on my back.  As sore as my back has been, her little feet felt good so I didn’t try to stop her.  She got to where her butt was up on top of the seat back.  And then, she fell backwards. 

I felt it and saw her feet on both sides of my head.  I tried to grab them but couldn’t.  Before she even hit the ground Hubby was saying “Oh my God Oh my God” and we both flew over to her.  She had landed straight on her head…the top of her head with all her body weight on her.  Daddy picked her up and was holding her.  At first she was so upset she couldn’t get that one breath she needed…and then when she did, she was screaming screaming screaming.  I was looking her over to see what I could find injury wise.  I couldn’t find even where she landed on her head.  After a couple seconds she started crying for me so I took her and was holding her.  At this point, it was me, Hubby and Princess all sitting on the floor knee-to-knee and I was holding her.  She was crying, and wouldn’t even take her binky…I just felt so bad that I let her up there and she fell, that I started bawling too.  After a few minutes, I offered her some water, and her sister brought the water and some M&M’s to see if that would cheer her up.  Well, she definitely perked up with the water and the M&M’s.  She calmed down and before you know it, we were playing a peek-a-boo type game with her.

We let her stay up till almost 11:00 p.m.  Then we put her to bed, but honestly I was worried about letting her go to bed.  We stayed up and watched a movie and it was about 1 a.m. when we went to bed, but before I could, I needed to check on her.  We went to her door and opened it and listened, and she was sleeping soundly, lightly snoring, even.  I went to bed….this morning I woke up at 8:20.  On my own.  No Lola calling for me like she usually does, and she usually does that around 7:30.  So of course I am freaking out inside.  I go upstairs and peek in at her and she’s sleeping fine…doing that twitch around thing that people do just before they wake up.  It’s 8:50 a.m. now and she still hasn’t woke up.  I’m thinking I’m just going to have to go in there and get her up even if she’s still sleepy.  I can’t stand it.

OK, I’m going to do that right now.  I’ll let you know if she’s ok…..

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OK, she’s fine.  I got her up and she’s in an excellent mood and seems none the worse for wear.  I’ll still be watching her carefully today and probably the next couple.

I’m just so mad at myself for letting her get hurt like that.  I love her so much and I couldn’t bear for anything to happen to her. 

I’m going to go snuggle her up and feel grateful she didn’t get hurt too badly.

CG

Clench

Current mood: anxious

I just realized I must have been walking around here since 7:30 a.m. with my teeth clenched from stress or anxiety.  Now, I have a horrible headache and my jaw hurts. 

Currently listening :
Julio Iglesias – My Life: Greatest Hits
By Julio Iglesias
Release date: By 06 October, 1998

Lack of Motivation

Current mood: apathetic

You know, the main issue I have that upsets me the most about being bipolar is my total and utter lack of motivation some days. Today would be one of those days. Inside my heart I want to get up out of this chair and be productive. But I just feel so overwhelmed and like I am never going to get anywhere, so why even try?

Before I was put on Lamictal, my regular doctor had prescribed Celexa for me and I was a zombie most of the time. I mean, I would get up with my then 18 month old, and sit on the couch struggling to stay awake, all day long. Nothing got done I could barely function. I only did what I needed to do for the baby, nothing for myself or anyone else. Bills did not get paid, etc.

When I started taking the Lamictal the first couple of months I was up up up and energy and all that. I thought it was the Lamictal but probably I was in a manic phase. 😦 Anyway I will say this for the Lamictal. When I get up in the morning I am awake and have the physical energy to do the stuff I want or need to do–it’s just the emotional or mental energy that I lack. I am definitely doing much more and much better things for my daughter who is now 25 months old. In that I am really glad for the Lamictal. My baby is so much happier now, and she is so smart and with my help she is learning faster than I could imagine a 25 month old doing. And that gives me some joy when I think on it.

But some (most) days I just can’t muster up the drive to keep things clean at home–this might not be important to some but to me, a clean house helps me keep an uncluttered mind. Chaos in my house just makes me feel worse. I do get up and straighten up at least every other day, I make myself which is more than I could do before the Lamictal.

Here’s the thing that worries me is that I really need to stay on top of things like paying the bills on time and household stuff. I need to go to the grocery store and get some more food in here, we have food but it’s all those odds and ends nobody wants to eat because they’d rather have the good stuff (LOL). I need to balance the checkbook (it needs it badly) and figure out how to catch up on the bills in the next couple of paydays. I need to work out a real budget–one that really works. I need to *stick* to that budget and not do the shop therapy thing. I need to get some exercise. There are so many things I need to do, but my ass is glued to this chair.

I told my therapist that I am lazy and a procrastinator. She doesn’t like me to use the word lazy but I’m thinking that this is what I am. Lazy and mostly useless…I am a good mother, I think, but only because she depends on me absolutely. I wish I could depend on myself to take care of ME that well.

OK, even this post has no direction. Sorry… 

Currently listening :
Get Behind Me Satan
By The White Stripes
Release date: By 07 June, 2005

Electrical Outages and Chore Progress

Current mood: content

Ok the electric was out most of the day, since my last journal entry.  I did what I could do without electric, and then spent the rest of the afternoon entertaining Lola.

But here’s an updated to-do list w/current progress.

1)  Dress to shoes (mom & baby) — OK done except just to socks.  Baby was bathed as well.
2)  Separate laundry, start a load. — Done
2a) Clean up potty accident — Actually, I’ve cleaned up 2 so far.
3)  Clean my bedroom — Done
4)  Clean kitchen — Everything but dishwasher
4a) Clean up potty accident. — Done
5)  Load of Laundry — Done
6)  Clean LR/DR — Done
6a) Clean up potty accident. — Gave up at this point and put on diaper.
7)  Sweep & Mop main floor — Done
8)  Load of Laundry
9)  Clean Upstairs Hall — Mostly clean.
10)  Clean Bathroom — Done
11)  Sweep & Mop Upstairs — Done
12)  Load of Laundry
13)  Work on Finances
14)  Make Updated Master To-Do List
15)  Make Menu for rest of April and for May.
16)  Concede defeat for the day, take off 6th pair of panties and put on a diaper.– Done

Note to self

Current mood: nauseated

Note to self–before setting off in full tilt doing house cleaning and getting all sweaty…EAT SOME BREAKFAST SO YOU DON’T THROW UP FROM NAUSEA!!!.

Eating a banana, and slowly…to get my tummy back to good shape so I can continue my quest.  But since I’m here, I’ll give you my progress:

1)  Dress to shoes (mom & baby) — OK done except just to socks.  Baby was bathed as well.
2)  Separate laundry, start a load. — Laundry separated, but no load done yet because started puking.
3)  Clean my bedroom
4)  Clean kitchen
5)  Load of Laundry
6)  Clean LR/DR
7)  Sweep & Mop main floor
8)  Load of Laundry
9)  Clean Upstairs Hall — In progress
10)  Clean Bathroom — Done
11)  Sweep & Mop Upstairs
12)  Load of Laundry
13)  Work on Finances
14)  Make Updated Master To-Do List
15)  Make Menu for rest of April and for May.

Well, finished the banana, feel much better.  Back to it!!!

CG

Currently listening :
Light Years
By Kylie Minogue
Release date: By 28 September, 2000

The Day Begins

Current mood: cheerful

OK, I have a long day ahead of me.  I woke up with my head made up that I was going to get the following things done:

1) Clean House
2) Laundry
3) Bills

Considering the state everything is in, it will probably take me from now until bedtime, especially if I procrastinate.  However, I always find if I publish here what I have to do, I’m more motivated to do it, because then if I don’t I feel embarrassed!  LOL.

So here is my checklist for cleaning.  I wil come and update every so often and we’ll see how I do today.  If I don’t finish today, I will finish tomorrow.

1)  Dress to shoes (mom & baby)
2)  Separate laundry, start a load.
3)  Clean my bedroom
4)  Clean kitchen
5)  Load of Laundry
6)  Clean LR/DR
7)  Sweep & Mop main floor
8)  Load of Laundry
9)  Clean Upstairs Hall
10)  Clean Bathroom
11)  Sweep & Mop Upstairs
12)  Load of Laundry
13)  Work on Finances
14)  Make Updated Master To-Do List
15)  Make Menu for rest of April and for May.

My reason for doing these things today and tomorrow is that I want to get back up on my FlyLady schedule and get back on track with the money situation.  I’ve been a bit indulgent with myself, Hubby and the kids.  We have to get back on the program ASAP to keep going forward with our financial plans, we gotta get our kid’s college savings pumped up a bit more. LOL.

My hubby started working at the new location today.  Yesterday, he and I went to see 300 at the IMAX in Lansing with his friends Jack, Tim, and Dennis and Jack’s and Tim’s sons.  So I had 7 handsome dates to the movies! LOL.  There was much amusement about how much more into it than they were.  But I believe our reasons are much differed as to WHY we enjoy it.  Although I like it just as much as they do for the storyline and the fight scenes, but I have the added pleasure of ogling the men.

After we got home yesterday afternoon, we spent the rest of the evening outside with the girls.  We grilled out, just sat and watched Lola play, and then after the kids went to bed, we sat out there listening to music and holding hands, while watching the remnants of the Lyrids meteor shower.  We finally went in some time after 11:00 p.m.  We had a nice talk about our relationship and our 8 years together.  It is great to know that I am still loved, warts and all.  And I think we all know here how much I love that man.

Well, because I love him, I am determined to get back on the “good spouse” track.  Off to clean.

CG

Currently listening :
God Shuffled His Feet
By Crash Test Dummies
Release date: By 26 October, 1993

Current mood: cheerful

Yes, it is 7:30 and I’m up.  I’ve been up since 7:00 a.m. thanks to Hubby and Lola.

It’s ok, though.  I’m in an EXCELLENT mood today.  It might have to do with the EXCELLENT night I had last night!

Well, I haven’t blogged on here much the last couple of weeks so I haven’t mentioned this, because I kind of hoped it wouldn’t go through.  Hubby is being transferred at work, up to another location near Flint.  It’s called a “forced transfer”.  He has had a couple of close calls where he was going to be transferred to Jackson and Lansing in the past, and at the last minute, he had a reprieve.  But although his boss and his boss’s boss have been working diligently to keep him here, unless something happens today (Saturday) it is doubtful it will happen before he has to report to the new place on Monday.

We have gotten over it, and he and I, as we always do, have found the positives in the situation.  He’ll be significantly up higher in the seniority list at this place, so he should probably get a more desirable schedule, and there are a couple other perks as well.  However, if I know his boss, Hubby may end up back at the home garage in just a couple of weeks.  Hubby and the other guy who got transferred, they are 2 of only 3 guys in the whole area here who know how to do fiber-optic cable repair and this whole area is one of the first in Michigan to roll out the fiber optic service.  Plus, the two of them are 2 of the 3 people who do DSL in this area too.  So now they’re down to 1 person to do fiber (and he’s never done it alone, and only once with Hubby), and 1 person to do DSL (and they were overloaded with orders for 3 people).  I have a feeling they’ll be bringing them back.  The 3rd level boss (the boss’s boss’s boss) is also campaigning to get them back too.  The reason they’re the ones being transferred is because they are the lowest on the seniority list at their current location.

Then, too, the boss, and the 3rd level boss have been helping Hubby try to achieve the ultimate transfer, to Tennessee.  And it’s been going a bit faster lately so it could be that he will only have to go to this location for a little while anyway with that going on too.

But anyway, I was just laying the background as to what we were doing last night.  The guys from work had a goodbye party for Hubby and the other guy.  We went to Cleary’s which is a local irish pub.  It was sweet, Hubby wanted me to come, and no one else’s wife was there, and it didn’t appear that they were asked to come.  So for much of the night, I was the only woman at the table.  It was quite amusing.  For a while this other woman they work with, Carrie, was there and I really like her.  We have gotten to know each other better over the last few years and there’s a lot of mutual respect there.  She’s a very nice person.  This is the first time she’s gone to a company after-work party, and it was definitely because she really thinks Hubby is awesome.  When she left, she hugged me, and said, “Take care of him, now, he’s one of the best guys I know.”

What was really nice about the night is that the guys who showed up were mainly Hubby’s buddies, and we get along great.  Hubby’s dad came for a while too and was as charming as he could be.  Hubby’s boss was there too.  I had a ball talking to Dennis, who is one of the smartest, sweetest people I have met in Michigan.  We talked about Hubby, and my family, and religion, and kids, and you name it, we discussed it.  Jack, who has been retired from the company for about 2 years, came up also.  After discussions, it has been decided that Jack, Dennis, Bat and I are driving up to Lansing to see 300 on IMAX on Sunday.  It’s going to rock!  I may have to sit separately from them so I don’t offend them with my open lusting.

Hm…Ron, another guy that Hubby works with, was there and I’m telling you, he’s so much more outgoing since his divorce.  I didn’t realize that he was so limited in social situations before.  We’re supposed to go do karaoke with him and his girlfriend in the next couple of weekends.  He apparently likes to sing karaoke. How many guys have I met that do?  Not many!

Now, a couple of the guys who came are old-timers at the company.  30-35 years in, they have been there as long as the father-in-law, and they have seen Hubby and BIL grow up.  The last time I saw them at a party, we got into it (me and the two guys) about their philosophies on what makes Hubby (and BIL to some extent) tick.  Plus there was some veiled propositioning that took place.  I got a little aggravated with them at the time.  Last night, they were there and I got to start talking to the one guy, Phil, before he had consumed a lot of alcohol and he is absolutely adorable.  We had a really deep conversation about alcoholism and his life experiences.  He’s such a nice person and I realize how much he likes Hubby.

The other guy, Jeff, was pretty nice too. 

HOWEVER…after mostly everyone left, it was just me, Hubby, Jack, Dennis, Phil, Jeff and Ron.  Jack and Dennis decided to leave so Hubby walked out to the parking lot with him so Jack could give him some soda to put in the pop machine at work.  They were out there A LONG LONG TIME…those two could put me and SIL to shame with the talking and talking and talking.  Anyway he left me alone with Ron, Jeff and Phil and Oh. My. God.  I thought I was going to die with all the commentary I was getting from them.  From the mild, “Guys, too bad you’re sitting over there, ’cause [CG] smells SOOOO GOOD!” from Ron, to “Hey, they rent rooms upstairs, [Hubby] could be out there for another 20 minutes…so that’s 10 minutes for me, 5 minutes for Ron and 5 minutes for Jeff…”

Can you believe that?  There was a lot more but here’s what I did.  I just sat there, and listened for a while without getting mad, and then…BOOM!  I laid the smack down…

Phil had said before that he was at the end of his career and just didn’t seem to learn the new technology very well, but that Hubby was the future of the company because he could do anything they roll out.  He said, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks…You could teach me to jump through a hoop, but that hoop would have to be only 2 feet off the ground.  But [Hubby] would be jumping through the hoop 8 feet off the ground.”  After he started hitting on me, I simply said, “Now, Phil, why would I go with someone who could only jump through a hoop 2 feet off the ground, when I have a man who can jump through the 8 foot hoop?”

And Jeff had said, when Phil was saying that stuff about him getting 10 minutes and the other guys getting 5…he said, “You’re flattering me, I don’t even need 5 minutes…I only need 1!!” and so I said to him, “I don’t even need to say anything about that…The answer was in the question…why would I go with someone who admittedly can only last 1 minute?”

Ron was falling out of his chair, and the two of them just sat there looking like they’d been hit with a 2×4.  I don’t think they’re used to being put in their place by a woman.  And I don’t think they were expecting it from Hubby’s woman…I think the reason they even go there with me is because they think Hubby won’t step up and say anything.  But he doesn’t have to, I can take care of myself.

When Hubby finally came back in, Jeff said, “Now [Hubby], [CG] hasn’t been very nice to us while you were gone!  She put us in our place!!!” and Phil said, “[Hubby], I think I’ve met my match here.  I think we’re going home with our tails between our legs.”  and Hubby just said, “If you guys had asked me, I could have warned you that you don’t want to get into a battle of wits with *my* wife…she’ll take you to the cleaners and you won’t even realize what happened until you get home later.  Even *I* know better than to start something like that with her!”  It was really funny.  We left there all in high spirits and I think I earned a little respect for me AND for my hubby from these guys. 

Hubby was so happy after we left there last night, I’m so glad those guys came to his party and that all his really good buddies from work were there.  It was nice to see that side of his life, and how much these guys think of him.  It always shows me another dimension of this man I already think is the best guy in the world. 

We came home to our kids and Tay and her brother, it was about 11:30 when we got home.  They went downstairs, and my man took me to bed.  And we spent a little time showing each other that our biggest fan was the other.  🙂  And you know what?  My husband likes me.  He really likes me!  I’m probably one of the luckiest women ever.

Today, I have to take Tay and Princess to the store to find them matching shirts for the talent show next Friday.  Then they are going with Tay’s cousin to JoAnn Fabric to buy some fabric to sew on the shirts and their capris.  It’s going to be really cute, I think.  They are singing a duet — “Who Says You Can’t Go Home” by John Bon Jovi and Jennifer Nettles.  Princess is also going to sing “Over My Head (Cable Car)” by The Fray.  Tay is singing “Call Me When You’re Sober” by Evanescence.

Later today, if the weather stays nice, I will take my little one to the park.  I love my baby so much.  I can’t believe how fast the time is going and how she is growing.  I can’t believe that in less than a year and a half, my Princess will be in high school.  All the kids are getting so big–my 2, and all my other nieces and nephews.  Next thing you know, I’ll be blogging about college graduations, weddings, grandchildren.  I swear, it seems to be going that fast! 

I forgot to mention that when I was down visiting my Mom, my brother burned me like 10 CD’s of songs for my mp3 collection.  I’m rocking out with the Commodores, Lionel Richie solo, Beach Boys, Billy Joel, everything America or Bread every recorded, some good Eric Clapton tunes, a pretty decent crop of Conway Twitty, Cream, Crosby Stills Nash Young.  I got everything the Eagles have done (including The Greeks Don’t Want No Freaks!! a B Side Legend!).  And Oh!  Fleetwood Mac heaven. Genesis, Guns N Roses, Hank Williams Sr. and Jr., Queen, and Jeez, much more.  

AND I just downloaded a bunch of Robert Palmer off of iTunes…I miss him more than you could know.  He was amazing.  Total bad ass.  And sexy as hell. 

So I’m listening to my tunes, waiting for the kids to get up, and watching my stinky Lola.  Speaking of stinky, I gotta go address the situation with her.

Take care, ya’ll!

CG 

Currently listening :
Riptide
By Robert Palmer
Release date: By 15 June, 1990