I feel so unbelievably down today. I feel enormously sad. I’m sure part of it is that Kit is gone and I am lonely. She left yesterday morning; we had such an awesome time while she was here. When I am feeling a bit more cheerful, I will write all about it.
I have been really naughty with regard to my eating this week. So as you can see to your left, I’ve gained back every pound I lost. 😦 I’m intensely disappointed in myself, but what can you do at this point? All you can do is just learn from it and move on. I have been thinking about the weight loss merry go round as it were. That “Fat Rant” I posted the other day made a lot of sense. If I eat right and exercise, whatever size I am, is what size I am. Setting a weight loss goal is fine, but they need to be *achievable*. But once I get down to a weight I feel is acceptable, I am going to stop worrying about the number anymore. My doctor said if I lost 10 to 20 lbs, I would feel better. She didn’t tell me I needed to lose 50 lbs. If I *do* lose 50 lbs by eating right and exercising, then that’s what I lose. But to tie all my expectations to losing 50 lbs, is really not the smartest thing I could do in the circumstances. My weight didn’t pile on in a week, a month or even a year so I can’t expect to lose it all that fast.
What I think I’d like to do is try to get down to 165 eventually. Once I’m there, I will continue doing whatever it was I did to get there, and maintain that. If I lose more then fine but I’m going to focus a lot on the exercise portion of the situation. I’m going to take Kit’s advice about eating what I want to eat, just eat half of what I used to eat. I think I said this before, but it would be like going to McD’s and eating 1/2 of a hamburger, or 1/2 of the fries that I would normally consume. If I want pop, then drink 1 instead of 2 every day. Or 1/2 of the Wendy’s cup of soda instead of the whole thing.
I am reading through the Body Clutter book I finally bought, but for some reason, I’m not feeling motivated to do the assignments. I’m not feeling motivated to do my housework. I’m not motivated to sit down and pay my bills. I’m spending money without thinking again. This is all not good. I’m undoing everything I’ve been trying to do the last couple of months and I can’t seem to pull myself out of it.
Well, let’s move on to my other topic. Princess.
So, I decided I’d let her start a MySpeece account. I figured she’d behave herself because she knows I’ll be looking at her comments, etc., and sometimes logging into her account to see what people are sending her. That was our agreement to begin with, because I’m just not going to let her do whatever she wants on MySpeece, and I’m going to be closely looking at who she is associating with.
Yesterday, her father and I looked at some of the profiles of some of her friends and I have got to say I’m very disturbed. Some of these 12 year old girls and boys, with whom she goes to school and are her friends, are very “fast” if you know what I mean. Lots of promiscuous talk, dirty language, and offensive icons, etc. It makes me worried that she is going to start behaving that way herself, or that she may even already be doing that.
Yesterday I showed her one of her friends’ comments area where one of her other friends had put a message about how horny she was and wanted sex, and that she had posted a webcam???? And maybe it was spam, but this girl’s profile is set to private, and can’t be accessed unless the person grants access. So she had to grant access to this person and this person has left many messages so I guess she doesn’t have a problem with it. She just looked shocked, and I told her that I was very worried about her friends if they behaved this way. She went back to doing whatever it was that she was doing, and I just sat here with this sick feeling in my stomach. I feel really sick and upset about it. It just never occurred to me that HER friends were already behaving in this matter. They are only 12. But I know that they are getting into trouble younger and younger these days. I just figured I’d start seeing this kind of stuff at 15 and 16, not 12.
After I said something to Princess about the comment we looked at, she went back upstairs. I think she must have told TayTay what I said, because a few minutes later they came downstairs to do some of their homework. I looked at TayTay a couple of times, and I guess she saw the disappointment in my face because she looked pretty upset at the thought that I was upset with them. I’m NOT upset WITH them, per se, just extremely concerned and not feeling very hopeful.
I went out on the porch and sat alone for a while, with tears streaming down my face. I kept trying hard to think about how I was at that age and even to give them that kids are going further a lot younger. I just want to trust them. I don’t want to feel like they are out running around and being sneaky; trying to act older than they are. These two *seem* to be a bit behind their friends in that respect. They are only just getting interested in fashion and stuff. They resist wearing makeup, and a lot of the other girls are wearing lots of it already. I found something Princess wrote a few weeks ago where she called someone a witch with a ‘b’, and not bitch, so maybe she isn’t cussing. They still LIVE to go to Build-A-Bear workshop, not H&M. They play on Neo Pets. Princess sleeps with about 30 stuffed animals. They just hang around here all the time, they don’t ask to go to the mall without supervision. They don’t walk the streets in a group of girls acting like idiots. So I guess I should give them some credit and benefit of the doubt. But I feel like it’s just a matter of time with the other kids behaving this way, they’ll eventually cave and act like this?
Am I crazy? I’m scared they will drink, have sex or do drugs. I guess saying “fuck” is not the end of the world. I say it all the time. I said it all through high school and I’m still a functioning, decent human being for the most part (ha).
I’m hoping that I have instilled some decency into Princess after all these years, I just have to keep faith in that.
But today, I just feel worried about her friends.
Well, I have to go, I’m going to turn off the computer because a thunderstorm is beginning. Outside, not just in my heart.