4 a.m.

It’s 4 a.m. on Saturday morning, and I’m sitting here, unable to go back to sleep.  I had another rape dream.  Why, why, why??? do I keep having these fucking dreams?

Running, trying to escape, terror running through my veins.  Sometimes I wake up not knowing if I am going to get away.  Sometimes I don’t get away.  Sometimes I wake up and I know if I had been awake, I would have not gotten away.  Endless corridors with rapist just out of arms reach of me.  Begging them to let me go, let me go.  Knowing I’m probably dead afterwards.

I’ve been having these stupid dreams for years and years, and I don’t understand why.  I don’t even care why tonight, I just want them gone from me. 

I don’t want to hear any spiritual bullshit about dreams being symbolic or anything.  I don’t feel like these are symbolic dreams.  And if they are a symbol what the fuck are they a symbol of?  Because it’s a sucky-ass symbol that is going to give me a heart attack some day.

My heart was beating so fast that I could hear it, it was thumping right out of my chest.  I could feel the blood pumping in my neck, and even in my lip.  And my chest was hurting so bad and squeezing, I couldn’t breathe.   Right now, I can breathe, my heart isn’t racing anymore, but my chest is still squeezing from anxiety.

My therapist and I have been discussing some sexual issues that I have, and she thinks I am holding back some bad experience that is causing me to have these feelings.  I honestly CANNOT remember anything happening to me, and I think if it did, it had to be very young.  But I cannot say that anything did.

 I have been having these nightmares for as long as I can remember.  Even as a young girl, I knew something terrible awaited me from the bad man or men who had me and wouldn’t let me go. 

Maybe I’ve just watched too much TV and seen too much, and I’m deathly afraid of violent rape attacks.  I will be honest with you, I’ve had a somewhat date rape-y experience when I was 18, but it was one of those things where I went too far with someone and then didn’t want to close the deal.  But I did not say no.  I just laid there and LET this guy have me, and all the while felt nothing but horror and disgust.  But he didn’t know that, so was it rape?  I never said, “no” and he had no idea that I didn’t want to.  I just felt scared of what would happen if I did say no.

But these dreams have been going on since way before that.  My mom was always regaling me with her fears about me being snatched and such, and I was never allowed to leave my yard when I was young, without being with a huge group or my brother. 

What is up with all this?  It felt so real, I feel violated right now, right this minute I feel disgusting.  And so unbelievably scared.

What is the point of this entry?  Simply trying to purge but it is not working, so I am out of here.



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