I went to the dentist’s office yesterday to have a consultation regarding the removal of my broken widsom tooth.  It is scheduled for next Wednesday.  I will be going under anesthesia because I just get panicky every time I think of the procedure.  I think it is best for me.  I have a lot of psychological issues tied to dental stuff that has happened to me. 

Then, later in the day, I went to therapy.  I talked to her about my issues with my weight and my resistance to the changes I need to make to lose the weight.  She said that I just simply don’t want to change anything and if that is the fact, I need to just accept it and accept the problems that come with it, if all I want to do is throw a temper tantrum about having to stop eating whatever I want whenever I want.  She’s totally right, the truth is I want to be the size I want to be and not have to do anything to get there.  Which, as we all know, is a bunch of stupidity.  If I want to lose weight, I have to be willing to stop doing what I’m doing now.  I need to stop feeling like it is deprivation. 

But then the conversation turned to some of the health issues I’ve been experiencing lately — racing heartbeat, dizziness that last for days at a time, the urinary tract infection that always seems to be starting, then goes away, the severe numbness in the hands, and I mentioned a comment my husband had about how I consume way too much salt.  She wanted to know exactly how much salt I take in.  When I told her, she started freaking out on me (I shouldn’t exaggerate — let’s just say, she started speaking very sternly towards me).  She insisted I go to the doctor right away.  She pointed out that dizziness means that I am not getting enough oxygen to the brain.  Period, end of story.  And dizziness for that long is not a good sign.  The heart racing and shortness of breath, combined with the dizziness makes her concerned about my heart and circulatory system.  The salt cravings, acne outbreaks, hormonal mood swings, and urinary tract issues make her think I may have some issue with my kidneys or adrenal glands.  She mentioned that Addison’s Disease is characterized by an abnormal craving for salt.  I pointed out that I have consumed mass quantities of salt since I was young.  She pointed out that I’ve had hormone imbalance problems since I was young, too, including the acne.  She said I may also be developing kidney stones or something of that sort.

So…on her orders and the urging of my husband, I’m going to the doctor on Monday to talk about these things.  My therapist wants them to do tests to check on my kidney function, adrenal glands, heart and circulation, and a full physical workup. 

She said the dizziness is about circulation, and that it might not be tied to my weight so dismissing it as because of my weight would be a dumb thing to do. 

She was really upset with me, but not in a way that made me feel bad, just made me realize I’m really taking chances with my health.  She pointed out my family’s history of cancer, heart attacks, strokes and such.  Then, she pulled out the Lola Card…do I want to leave Lola without a mother? 

And what could I say to that?  I don’t want to leave Lola without a mom.  My therapist’s mom died when she was 12 so I guess she feels strongly about this.  I love Lola more than anything in the world so I don’t want to make her life harder, I don’t want to even think about only having a short time with her.  I want to get old and see her grow up, and see her kids grow up, etc.  I guess I just didn’t think that anything going on with me could really be that serious, but let’s face it, I’m not 15 anymore.  I’m going on 34, and I need to watch my health a lot more if I want to make it to 44, 54 or 104. 

My therapist said that I was letting the little girl in me make my decisions and because of that, I am getting sick.  I don’t have a little girl’s body anymore so I need to let the grown up make the decisions, not the little girl that wants candy.  I don’t let my kids eat candy like that, so I need to tell that voice inside me “No” just as easily as I tell my kids “no” when they want to fill up on junk food.  If I know it’s bad for them and don’t let them do it, why do I let myself do it, knowing it would be even worse for me than it would be for their constitutions? 

Diabetes is also a huge concern now, with the levels of sugar I consume and my weight being what it is (195 lb).  I guess I need to just think of that voice as a little temper-tantrummy girl wanting what she wants, and my logical side that wants the best for me, the mommy that says no.  I need to remind myself of my desire to be healthy and whole for my Lola as long as I can be.  It’s not just for Lola’s sake.  It’s for me, too.  I waited SO long to have Lola.  She’s one of my heart’s desires that actually came to fruition.  I love her more than anything in the entire universe.  Every curl on her head is a message from God that I am loved.  She’s a confirmation that my wishes do come true sometimes. 

How can I dishonor that wish granted by throwing away my own health and choosing an early grave for myself?  It’s not just that one Milky Way bar in front of me that is killing me, it’s the long line of candy bars before this one and the ones that will come after…when do I decide to say NO?  When do I decide to just drink water instead of soda?

The night before last, I sat down with Hubby and discussed the weight situation and how I just don’t stick with anything so I’m afraid to start any kind of weight loss plan because I will just end up dropping it or cheating.  He and I decided I wouldn’t think of it like that.  I would make a short term goal with a big reward and see if I could do that first.  So, I am giving up soda, completely.  Not even one every week or so.  Completely.  From March 1 to May 31 I will consume no soda, not even Sprite or any others.  If I get there and succeed, I am getting a complete spa day — probably $300 value, maybe more.  Hair color, cut and style, acrylic nails, pedicure, massage, facial, makeup.  It will be good.  I think that is a goal worth working towards. 

Once that goal is met, I may make another one, with the reward being getting the cosmetic dental work I want to get done.

Instead of focusing on the weight right now I am going to focus on the bad habits.  Once I have eliminated the bad habits and instituted some good ones in their stead, if I am still struggling with weight, we’ll deal with that at that point.  But I have a feeling if I eliminate some of the bad stuff (excessive consumption of chocolate, sugar, cola, salt, fats, starches) my weight issues will decrease, don’t you?

Maybe after 3 months straight of cold-turkey quitting cola, maybe I won’t want it anymore.  That would be great.

Anyway, I have to try, if not for me, for my Lola.  And Hubby and Princess too.  I have such a hard time doing stuff for ME, maybe it would be better to just do it for them.


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