Out of Order

Current mood: contemplative

I’m doing things out of order today.  I’m blogging before I do anything around the house.  I just felt an irresistible need to get on here this morning.  I ended up doing more stuff last night.  My niece ordered a nice list of stuff from my P.R. liquidation list.  I went into my room to pull them and box them up and decided to consolidate some of the bins.  I got my stock down to two of the 30-gallon tubs, instead of 4.  I went through all the business supplies — emptied out my 30 portfolio folders and removed my business sticker from them, now Princess is good on folders for a couple of school years.  I took all the penis shaped erasers off my 40 or 50 ink pens (Ha) and put the ink pens in with her school supplies too.  The penis erasers are being stored away for a gag gift project I’m going to do for my mom (I’ll explain later).

Anyway, I had to decide what to do with my demonstration toys.  They’ve never been used by anyone, they were just there for people to look at and see if they wanted one like that.  They are sterilized after every show just because people touch them with their hands.  They cannot be sold, so I have to keep them. LOL.  Most of the toys that I wanted, I already have, so no idea what to do with these.  Hubby says to keep them as a backup in case my toys break.  They are already sterilized, wrapped up and stored in a storage tub, that is in my upstairs closet.  It’s stacked in with some bins of clothes in my closet. 

All my demo lotions and potions, of course, I am keeping for myself.  No one is allowed to touch those except me, I dispense the samples myself so no one else’s hands or fingers touch the product.  Anyway, I went through our “love supplies” and pulled a lot of old stuff and threw it away (oh, the garbage man would freak if he only knew), and put all our most popular supplies in a handy basket.  🙂  These are stored in a compartment under our bed.

Last night, I made Hubby come upstairs with me and go through some of his clothes.  I had already moved his work clothes into the hallway.  We went through all his button-up work shirts, and I did get him to give up some of his flannel shirts from 1989 (LOL).  He also said we could go through his T-Shirts and store some away.  I’m thinking I’m going to go through and remove some myself that we can give away.  I mean, does he REALLY need a Vince Gill T-shirt?  He never listens to Vince Gill.  His Aaron Tippin T-Shirt, he does wear that one so I’ll let him keep that one. Keep in mind, I already culled this down by half before, and it’s still two drawers full.  So, picture this — 1 drawer full of work logo t-shirts.  2 drawers of regular t-shirts.  Does one man need that many t-shirts?  I think not.

After I clear that out of the dresser, I can move my stuff from the clear Rubbermaid drawers, and move some of Lola’s stuff into those.  I’m probably going to need more than those 2 sets of drawers.  Eventually I’ll get a couple more.  I also plan to get rid of some of the junk in Lola’s room so I can start moving things in and moving things around.

How boring this entry is.  I’m sorry.

My meds are being slowly stepped up to the full dosage over about 5 or 6 weeks.  Last night started week 3, and was the first step up.  It went from 25 mgs to 50 mgs.  On week 5, I’ll go to 100 mgs, and that will be the final dosage I think.  I hope this is a good change and not a bad one.  I have been so happy with what I’ve gotten out of just the 25 mgs.  What I’m hoping for is that it will be EVEN BETTER!  That’s what I choose to focus on as a result.

Hubby and I were discussing the meds last night and he asked me if I thought there was a difference.  I asked him if HE’D noticed any difference, and he said, “I asked you first.”  I made him answer first and he said he definitely had seen a difference in energy, outlook and general happiness.  I told him that all I ever wanted to do was take care of my family and I just couldn’t do it, the way I was operating before.  Even if there were no other good effects, the fact that I have the energy to do what I wanted to do with this stay-at-home mom gig, makes it worth it to me.  But as a bonus, I’m feeling more cheerful, and I feel as if a huge weight is off my shoulders. 

I described it to Hubby last night like this…imagine I am a helium balloon that wants to fly in the sky.  All it would take to keep me on the ground would be a moderate sized rock.  But me, I had a whole ton of bricks holding me to the ground.  No seeming chance of escape, no viable way to get out of it.  I look back even just 3 weeks ago and am amazed I was functioning at all under that crushing weight.  And that’s what it looks like to me now, out from under it.  My depression is like a lead coat.  You can get used to carrying it around, and get stronger as you carry it.  Once you take it off you feel like you might just float away, you are so light.

I have pretty much ruled out that this could be a manic phase.  Mania generally indicates doing risky things or feeling invincible, etc.  A huge increase in self esteem or ego, and sometimes, huge increases in libido.  Last September through October I would say I was manic, my hubby and I were at it like rabbits. LOL. 

However, I wouldn’t say I’ve been having a manic phase this last couple of weeks.  Instead of being egocentric, I’m actually focused on improving what I see right now because I’m not happy with what I’ve become over the last couple of years.  I’m definitely not doing anything risky, I’ve been trying to get us into a more cautious and careful routine with our finances and everything. 

The changes I have seen with Lamictal were immediate and impressive.  And they haven’t worn off, so like my doctor said, there actually MIGHT be miracle pills out there for some people.  Having tried all kinds of herbal and nutritional supplements to fight this battle and seeing no improvement, I am amazed at how much I am seeing now. 

Another thing I’m noticing is that I’m actually seeing things clearly for what they are, rather than through a distorted filter I wear when I’m depressed or fighting the mood swings. 

I’m not immune to stress, however.  I still get a little upset when I’m dealing with our finances, being in a total state of ruin right now.  However, I’m keeping it together in the crisis, and not giving up and throwing up my hands and not caring.  I’m not spending money anyway and devil take the rest.  I’m sticking close to home, trying not to cost us any money.  Trying to save money where I can.

I know we can dig ourselves out of this mess, we already have seen progress.  It’s just not going to happen overnight.  The situation didn’t happen overnight, so the solution isn’t going to either.  It’s going to take a couple of hard months.  I am trying to help by supplementing my income however I can.

Well, I started this entry at 9:21 and it is 9:48, so I really need to stop now and get my day going.

Take care, everyone!

CG

Currently listening :
Fell on Black Days
By Soundgarden
Release date: By 21 November, 1996
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