I’ve been Trying SO HARD

You know, it really pisses me off that no matter how fucking hard I try to do things right, to be a good mom, a good wife, live a decent life I just get fucked at the drive thru???

I have been doing everything in my power to get our finances in order.  I really have.  I have been looking for jobs, sending my resume out even for full time jobs because I’m feeling that desperate.  I have been taking my time, very carefully reviewing our expenditures and patterns, and trying to make some smart changes.  Trying to make an educated stab at a working budget.

But why the fuck do I even bother?  Shit ALWAYS comes up.  I can’t get any money extra to be able to SAVE for unexpected shit.  So how the fuck can we EVER get back up to breaking even?

I am so sick and tired of swimming against the current and never getting anywhere.  NEVER having enough for the FUCKING BILLS, let alone fun or anything else.  So I go ahead and spend money that I know I shouldn’t because Hell, we only have one life to live and I don’t want them to miss out on stuff, and also I don’t like to be embarrassed to tell the truth — that I don’t have $20 to go out to lunch with you, that I don’t have $100 to get to Cincinnati, that I don’t have $5 to get a fucking hamburger with you.

So I spend money that I shouldn’t and the bills get farther and farther behind.

I even let myself get my hopes up about working for TDR and with Kitster, but I really don’t even know how that’s going to pan out.  TDR doesn’t have a good track record for wanting to pay me what I’m worth.  So I asked what I am worth and haven’t gotten any response, not even a straight NO.  Kitster knows what I mean on this — I left it very open for negotiation, but I was thinking he would at least give me some sort of response by now.  All I know now is he wants me to come and talk to him in person about it and I know what that means.  When I was younger, and went to ask TDR for raises, he would instead sit down with me and ask me what my bills were, and then show me how I could CUT BACK so that I could make it on my current pay.  And anyway, even if we do get to a compromise on the pay, I am still probably going to need to have some other job because I need to contribute more than I would even dare to estimate from TDR. 

And I can’t help but feel resentful towards Hubby when this stuff happens, because every week something comes up that we need a part or something for his truck or this tool or that thing.  And it’s not that he needs those things, it is just that he always tells me AFTER I’ve sat down and figured out how much money we’ve got and what we can pay (and there is never enough to get us caught up anyway).  So his announcements always throw a wrench in the works and I have to redo everything to figure out how to get him this part, because JUST IN CASE IT SNOWS which IT WILL NOT SNOW!!! 

We’re in fucking Michigan, usually we’re asshole deep in snow by now.  Instead, the winter we need it most, and we’ve had 3 inches all fucking winter.

I need a bath.