My good moods are great, yet sad at the same time because I know they won’t last forever. And, I am right no matter how I try to cling to them, they go away. And I’m left irritated, angry, sad, frustrated, full of loathing, self-doubt and discouragement.
At times like these I don’t even like to write about stuff because everything coming out of my mouth is negative and mostly directed at my own self, but generally whatever it is, about myself or others, is negative. This is a quality I dislike in other people and when I am like this, I dislike myself even more for it. Thus, my tendency to hermit and withdraw when I feel like this because I know how I feel when I am around negativity, I don’t want to inflict it on others.
It seems like my own emotional rollercoaster decides to undermine me whenever I get a little momentum going or a little positive energy rocking in the place. Good news about new jobs, time with my best friend, realization of what my goals are going to be, etc., and then my energy drains out and I have nothing to put into them. Instead I focus on the negative stuff because I’m an idiot that way.
I hate me a lot of times. Right now, all I can see in myself is a big, fat, mottled, scarred, lump of negativity and stupidity that will never become any of the things she wants to be. Who has lost most of the good things she used to be. The only good thing left is that I am a decent mother. I wouldn’t say a good or great mother but I can say I love my children more than anything. I love Princess with all my heart, and then, there’s Lola. She IS my heart. I never knew that I could love a person this much. So much it physically hurts me, and when she looks at me, walks over to me and lays her head on my lap, wraps her arms around my neck and nuzzles me, laughs her cute little laugh, talks her cute little talk, or does anything else equally amazing I just cling to her like a life raft. I submerge myself in her small little world and try not to think about the rest of it.
But sometimes it doesn’t work. Can you guess whether it’s working now?