I Just

I just love him so much.  Sometimes the love, it’s scary.  I’m just emotional tonight.  I get really afraid of being hurt, of rejection.  It’s happened to me so many times in my life.

My first husband didn’t really want me.  At least, he didn’t want me the way I wanted him to.  I can’t say he didn’t love me, but I know he didn’t love me the way I needed him to.  He was always his priority.  With Hubby, he is a simple man, really intelligent but simple in his needs and what he wants out of life.  He wants a home and a family, just like me.  He is one of those people who is deep as hell but it only comes out every so often.  I know it’s there…but a lot of people don’t, because he keeps that really tight up inside him.  I am one of a very few people who has seen him cry.  I am one of a very few people who have made him cry.  And I am maybe one of two who have hurt him in a personal relationship situation and not by grieving a loss of a loved one. 

Sometimes I think about how long we’ve known each other, and there is a part of me that knows without him ever saying, that he always loved me, from the moment we met.  I feel a sadness that I didn’t know it when I was younger.  He gave up on having me, but I know he still loved me; he called me the day that Princess was born to tell me he had named her after me – Elizabeth as the middle name. 

The day I saw him again after we both were out of our marriages; the first night he walked into my home as a grown man, we looked into each other’s eyes, and he walked up to me and took me in his arms and kissed me like I’ve never been kissed before.  He gazed into my eyes and said, “I’ve been waiting 10 years to do that.”  I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder and cried.  I just knew at that moment that we were going to be together.  He didn’t have to say it, but he knew it too. 

Even after all the history, after everything we’ve been through, the ghosts of my past come up and haunt the hell out of me.  So many times I’ve wanted the love of people who obviously were undeserving; but at any rate, I wanted them and they didn’t want me.  I’ve been rejected cruelly so many times.  I always thought I was so special, and didn’t understand why they didn’t want me.  Why I wasn’t good enough.  What I was doing wrong.  Many times I would think things were going along really well and then out of the blue, they would drop me, reject me, hurt me, cheat on me.  Not only my own personal relationships, I saw my own father do that to my mother.  So there is this part of me that won’t let go of the feeling that this is all just temporary, and that he will eventually undo me in some way.  Now, I am afraid that he will reject me and then I will have to fight for my child too. 

Isn’t it crazy where my mind goes?  Why would I even be thinking these things other than it’s right before my period and I always feel bad about myself.  I start thinking irrationally.  Duh. This is the man who told a close friend of mine just 2 or 3 months ago that he was the happiest he had ever been.

I wish there was a magic way to remove the part of the brain that causes such thought patterns.  Someone come and hit me up side the head.

I’m going to bed.  It’s past midnight.  Maybe he’ll come in soon and hold me a while.