Half the Day Has Passed…

Mood: Discouraged
Listening To: The Wiggles
Reading: Articles on why your toddler won’t eat.

I have applied to about 10 to 15 jobs today online.  I am hoping I get some reponse.  I’m starting to feel a little discouraged.  I have this amazing skill set and experience, but this is where I see evidence of my bipolar tendencies, and they are biting me in the ass.  I can never seem to stay at any job for more than 2-3 years.  So in my 18 years experience, I’ve had quite a few jobs.  And I don’t list some of the more disastrous, short lived jobs on my resume.  I live in dread that a background check will dig it up but what can you do? 

I have actually gone into a job, worked anywhere from one day to a month and just couldn’t handle it, or it sucked, or people were mean, or whatever.  So what do I do?  I just pack up my stuff and walk out.  Really, I’ve done it a few times.  I guess that makes me a flake, probably undesirable as an employee!  But on the other hand, every job that I do stay and and work for, I work really hard for them while I’m there, and often am responsible for implementing huge changes to their work procedures.  I have been nominated for Employee of the Year a few times, and even though I leave my jobs after 2-3 years I generally get excellent references from past employers.  I tend to bond with my coworkers and bosses on a really emotional level as well.  I could probably go back and get jobs at several of my previous employers if they had positions available or were local.

What would be the ideal job is something like I used to do at Taft (a Cincinnati law firm).  I was on the evening shift word processing team.  I worked from 3 to 11 p.m.  I loved the job and the hours.  But my coworkers on the shift were long-time workers and basically were slackers.  When I came in there and started busting ass like I do, they started resenting me.  I didn’t work extra hard to make them look bad, I worked extra hard because that’s what I do.  I got a reputation for being a go-to person on the night shift so the attorneys would pass up the “work drop off” desk and go directly to me to ask for help with high-priority stuff.  I did not ask them to do this.  I even moved to the back of the room to work, but they’d still come back to me like I was a supervisor or something.  I swear I did nothing but work hard and do my best at my job, I didn’t invite this attention.  Also, I was extra nice to the ladies I worked with.  We worked downtown Cincinnati, and every evening I would go out and pick up everyone’s dinner for them and bring it back.  If they had something crappy to do and didn’t want to do it, I always took the crappy jobs.  All I got in return was the silent treatment from them all. 

After a few months of being treated like that and having no one to talk to (except when dinner time rolled around), I asked for a meeting with the department head (during daytime shift hours).  I asked him if I was doing a good job.  He said I was the best worker they had ever had and that he had received so many commendations about me from attorneys and senior partners.  Then, he grinned and said that he had also gotten an “anonymous” letter of complaint about me from my coworkers.  Apparently they resented how fast I worked, it made the attorneys expect more than they could provide, etc., and that I tried to be the boss on the night shift.  I asked him if he believed it, and he said he didn’t because I work two or three hours with the day shift people so he saw how I worked every day.  He told me when he got my note about a meeting he went to meet with the Firm Administrator.  She told him she wanted to offer me a position in Administration.  This took me out of Word Processing and pretty much I was on a level with my old supervisor in some ways, in that I could go into Word Processing and give them work to do (so I guess I “could” be the boss of night shift if I wanted).  I took the position, and I didn’t like it.  If I could have stayed doing Word Processing in the evenings I might have enjoyed it.  But the old biddies ruined it for me.

But anyway, if I could find a word processing job, either at home, part time, or afternoons or evenings, that would be great.  I think it would be nice to have a simple job where I wouldn’t have to take the stress home at night.  A job where your to-do list really does get checked off with each document or project you finish.  Rather than ongoing duties that just wear you down.  I am so tired of being a peon and having to shoulder most of the burden while the supervisor looks like a hero.  If I’m going to be a peon, might as well be in a no-brain-damage job that I can just do and go home. 

Some people have a calling, a career that really fulfills them in a way.  My calling is just to be me, develop relationships, raise my children, be a super wife, and be the best person I can be.  I want to be a succulent, wild woman and experience pleasure in my life every day.  I don’t want to be married to a job.  My life starts at the end of the work day when I go home to the people that matter to me.  The only careers that speak to me are writing, and being a musician.  I would love to sing and play music.  Singing-wise, I’m probably not a good enough singer to make it, but I still enjoy it.  If I ever could purchase my harp, once I learn about 20 songs, I can get jobs playing at weddings and other events, or at fairs and festivals and make money that way. For instance, a harpist can make $200 to $300 at one wedding ceremony.  JUST THE CEREMONY!!! 

Getting a harp and getting lessons is one of my goals outlined in therapy.  So hopefully I will actually achieve it.

Short-term goals in therapy are to keep a food diary for a month.  I’ve already skipped 3 days of it, so I need to catch up, and to find at least a part-time job because I need to get out of the house on my own.

Some of my goals are:

Short term (1 to 4 months):

  • Get my house reorganized
  • Set up Lola’s room
  • Create a frugal, workable budget
  • Start an exercise program
  • Lose 10 lbs.

1 Year Goals:

  • Give up caffeine
  • Cut down drastically on sugar and refined flour
  • Eat more fruits and vegetables
  • Drink more water
  • Lose 30 lbs.
  • Pay off small credit debts
  • Buy harp
  • Start harp lessons
  • Get into a good schedule/routine
  • Learn to manage my bipolar disorder

2-5 Year Goals:

  • Pay off larger credit debts i.e., 2nd mortgage, 401(k) loan
  • Make improvements to house to increase sellability
  • Move to Tennessee
  • Start playing music for income
  • Begin saving more money
  • Learn to belly dance
  • Reach optimal physical fitness

6-10 Year Goals

  • Pay off mortgage
  • Become totally debt free and financially independent
  • Build my dream house
  • Raise two beautiful daughters

Well, I need to go now and do some things around the house.  This turned out to be long-winded.


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