Current mood: anxious

Princess’s choir concert tonight was pretty good.  She is easily one of the most beautiful girls in her school.  And her singing isn’t half bad either.  It was nice seeing all my little girls up there on stage and they are growing up so beautiful.  It was nice seeing them all getting along again (you know how 12 year old girls can be).

I am amazingly emotional tonight.  I have been really emotional for a couple of days, in that I will cry at the drop of a hat…at the mere mention of a drop of a hat.

Songs that have made me cry in the last couple of days: Another Auld Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg, Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin, Shining Happy People by REM, Look Around by Blues Traveler, Stay by Lisa Loeb, Fallen by Sarah McLachlan, Love Song by The Cure (thx Y).  There is an endless supply of music and it all moves me so much.  I’m overly affected by it.

I am learning that in addition to having to monitor my MUSIC when I am feeling over-emotional, over-stimulated, overwhelmed, teetering on the brink of breakdown (i.e., no Sarah McLachlan on purpose, no Loreena McKinnitt, basically NO Celtic/Scottish tragic music, no “If”, “Diary”, “It Don’t Matter to Me” or “Everything I Own” by Bread and so many more), I must also begin to monitor BOOKS and MOVIES. 

I once again read The Red Tent by Anita Diamant.  An excellent book, even ends somewhat well, but there is great suffering between the pages, and it is a heavy read.  I always feel like I’m carrying a lead coat after reading things like that.  I can’t read the Dark Tower series (Stephen King) when I’m feeling like this, Roots by Alex Haley, so many others.  I can’t watch anything scary or weird (i.e., Fight Club, thanks brother it F*ed me up), so many things.  Another book I love that is an excellent read is Memoirs of a Geisha, but again, a heavy read.  Forget Gone With the Wind when I’m in this mindset.  I love to read, and I love to read books over and over again but sometimes, I need to just stick to Calvin and Hobbes or something.

So I have made bad choices recently that have accentuated my emotionality.  I get so anxious and just need a major cry out.  My heart will wring itself out, I will feel twinges in my chest, and the pain travels down my arms into the palms of my hands.  When I’m upset or anxious or hurt or anything, my hands throb and throb.  My throat closes up.  I just don’t know what to do to get out of it.  I would love to have my husband’s arms around me, to have him make love to me to get my mind off it, but he’s out in his garage working on something for his snowplow.  He needs his time to do things like that too, and me calling him in for comfort now seems so contrived.  So I am just hurting.

The only thing (besides my kids) that has made me smile today is thinking about my little brother.  I love him with all my heart.  I was reading an interview he gave to Cincy Music Online a couple of years ago, that I had never bothered reading before, and he mentions me in it.  I was thinking earlier about something that happened over the summer that will show you how heart-connected we are.

Last summer I was sitting on the couch, flipping through channels.  I flipped onto a channel and That 70’s Show was on.  Normally I wouldn’t stop on it, but I heard a snippit of a song.  “Hello It’s Me” by Todd Rundgren.  I stopped to listen.  The boy in the show was laying on the hood of his car, looking up at the sky and listening to it, digging it the way I was.  I thought “I truly love this song.”  Later, I called my brother, and he said, “Hey, CG, do you know who sings this song?” and then started singing “hello it’s me” and I said “Todd Rundgren!” and he said “That’s right!  It was driving me crazy!  I love that song and want to download it.”  I said, “Let me guess, were you watching That 70’s Show today?” and he said, “Yes, I was just flipping through the channels and that song was on so I stopped and was listening to it, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head all evening.”

That’s one of many little coincidences like that.  It’s one of the reasons I am so driven to move to Tennessee.  The thought of being able to see him every day just fills my heart with something.  The thought of us playing music together and singing every day.  The thought of us playing at clubs together (we’ve discussed it), just fills me with something that makes me feel hopeful.  He makes me laugh so hard.  I really belly laugh, my head thrown back and just release the joy he puts in my heart.  I never laugh like that up here.  Hardly ever anyway. 

I’m really sensitive right now.  Or is the word crazy?

Caveat:  I know I have no legitimate reasons to feel sad.  I know that.  But Depression Doesn’t Work That Way.  I know I am loved by a wonderful, handsome, devoted, sexy, amazing man.  I know I am loved by a beautiful blossoming young lady and am her heroine.  I know that her friends think I’m the coolest mom in the whole school.  I know my baby adores me and I am absolutely necessary to her every day and her happiness.  I know I have three sisters and two brothers who love me with all their hearts.  I know I have a mom and a dad who love me.  I know I have a best friend like many people in the world never get to have.  I know I have the best sister-in-law in the world.  I know my life is filled with wonder, grace, and amazing friends.  I know I am smart, funny, ultimately good, and all that.  But DEPRESSION is like rock-paper-scissors — Your life can be great, it can be the rock, but DEPRESSION is the paper that covers the rock.  Damned Paper. 

I need to clean up the living room before I go to bed, but guess what?  I’m not going to (tongue stuck out).  I’m going to go to my room and read a Hustler Stories book and look through my box of goodies.  Who needs a man when you sell sex toys? Bye…


Currently listening :
Cornflake Girl
By Tori Amos
Release date: By 05 May, 1994