I just love him so much. Sometimes the love, it’s scary. I’m just emotional tonight. I get really afraid of being hurt, of rejection. It’s happened to me so many times in my life.
My first husband didn’t really want me. At least, he didn’t want me the way I wanted him to. I can’t say he didn’t love me, but I know he didn’t love me the way I needed him to. He was always his priority. With Hubby, he is a simple man, really intelligent but simple in his needs and what he wants out of life. He wants a home and a family, just like me. He is one of those people who is deep as hell but it only comes out every so often. I know it’s there…but a lot of people don’t, because he keeps that really tight up inside him. I am one of a very few people who has seen him cry. I am one of a very few people who have made him cry. And I am maybe one of two who have hurt him in a personal relationship situation and not by grieving a loss of a loved one.
Sometimes I think about how long we’ve known each other, and there is a part of me that knows without him ever saying, that he always loved me, from the moment we met. I feel a sadness that I didn’t know it when I was younger. He gave up on having me, but I know he still loved me; he called me the day that Princess was born to tell me he had named her after me – Elizabeth as the middle name.
The day I saw him again after we both were out of our marriages; the first night he walked into my home as a grown man, we looked into each other’s eyes, and he walked up to me and took me in his arms and kissed me like I’ve never been kissed before. He gazed into my eyes and said, “I’ve been waiting 10 years to do that.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder and cried. I just knew at that moment that we were going to be together. He didn’t have to say it, but he knew it too.
Even after all the history, after everything we’ve been through, the ghosts of my past come up and haunt the hell out of me. So many times I’ve wanted the love of people who obviously were undeserving; but at any rate, I wanted them and they didn’t want me. I’ve been rejected cruelly so many times. I always thought I was so special, and didn’t understand why they didn’t want me. Why I wasn’t good enough. What I was doing wrong. Many times I would think things were going along really well and then out of the blue, they would drop me, reject me, hurt me, cheat on me. Not only my own personal relationships, I saw my own father do that to my mother. So there is this part of me that won’t let go of the feeling that this is all just temporary, and that he will eventually undo me in some way. Now, I am afraid that he will reject me and then I will have to fight for my child too.
Isn’t it crazy where my mind goes? Why would I even be thinking these things other than it’s right before my period and I always feel bad about myself. I start thinking irrationally. Duh. This is the man who told a close friend of mine just 2 or 3 months ago that he was the happiest he had ever been.
I wish there was a magic way to remove the part of the brain that causes such thought patterns. Someone come and hit me up side the head.
I’m going to bed. It’s past midnight. Maybe he’ll come in soon and hold me a while.
Well…update on yesterday’s post about the job possibility. TDR liked the idea that Kitster came up with! So, this weekend, Kitster and I are going to meet with him to hammer out the details and figure out if it will work out. I am sure it will, so YAY!!!
It’s been a pretty good day today. Hubby got the insurance company to settle with him over our burned Jeep. Outer body wise, it is still fine, just fire damage to the dashboard and what is under it. Because the price of the repairs needed exceeded the retail value of the Jeep, it was totalled out. However, Hubby is a mechanic and pretty good with electrical wiring as well, so we know we could fix it. What we hoped for, happened. They are giving us a pretty good sum of money (just about $1000 less than the retail value of our Jeep!), and we get to keep the Jeep with a clear title so he can fix it up as and when he can. Normally, this would not be feasible financially because the parts individually cost so much, but a wonderful thing happened. Hubby was on the snowplow message board he frequents, and shared what happened. A friend of his from the site told Hubby he would give him his old Jeep so he could use the parts from it to fix up our Jeep. This guy wrecked his Jeep so the exterior is crunched, but the parts we need are still very much intact and in great shape! So, with little expense to us except the labor Hubby will need to put into it, we are going to end up with a plow truck and the Jeep will be up and running again in a few months. For once, we had a bit of good luck. If we had decided not to keep the Jeep they would have given us the full retail value of the Jeep.
As you may or may not know, we have been really crunched financially lately. I have been struggling with the “do I go back to work or not” question for many weeks and every week finding it harder and harder to pay the bills. Another ongoing cause for distress is that I have been really missing my best friend Kitster more than ever, and she’s been going through it as well. It seems the more we see each other, the more we feel each other’s absence. After all these years, I have never met another person who I can be so real with and understands me, and loves me totally and completely unconditionally. We really need to spend more time together.
Anyway, leave it up to my Kitster to find a way we can spend time together and I can make money too. It’s a long story, but I’ll try to summarize a little before I tell you what she came up with. We both met when we started working for an attorney I’ll call TDR. She was 21 and I was 15. She had 2 kids and another on the way, and I was 15 and in vocational school. TDR took us under his wing and basically, we had a job share situation. She would work from open till about 2 and I’d work from 3 till about 6 or 7. We saw each other every once in a while but mainly our friendship started by notes passed back and forth every day. Then, during the summer I worked all day with her. I was still a kid in many ways but of course, I wasn’t really the average teenager, I mean, how many 15 year olds work in a law firm and do a damned good job? Our friendship just blossomed over the first few years. By the time I was 18 we were very close friends. A year or so later we acknowledged that we were truly soul mates and had never known anyone like the other. We’ve been best friends ever since.
I must also tell you that TDR is one of the best attorneys I have ever known. Actually, the best attorney I have ever known, and I’ve been privileged to know many. He trained Kitster and I to be pretty much the best legal assistants out there. He was a stickler for near-perfect work product, and Kitster and I delivered pretty much effortlessly. It’s just in our blood, this type of work. TDR was married and his wife was his partner when we first started, and a few years into it, they divorced and she left the firm. We stayed with him and his firm had a reputation for the best quality in the city. Not only were we the best small law firm in the city, we had a blast. Kitster and I made that place a well-oiled machine but you wouldn’t believe the laughter and fun that everyone had. The place had a spark.
After the split between TDR and his wife, a year or so later, Kitster started dating TDR. They were really a good match in almost every way. They have had a relationship since I was 18 and I’m now 33. They eventually married, back in 2000. They had a little boy, ChanMan, who is 6 now. I married my first husband and of course, he spent me to death financially and I ended up having to go to a bigger organization for a job that could pay a bit more because I had to support myself and my husband. Kitster stayed at the firm for a few years and then was home with ChanMan for a while and has been going to school as well. Then she got another job, and TDR had other people working there. He often says it has never been the same there.
Well, Kitster came up with the idea that she and I do some contracting work for TDR because he really needs it right now. And TDR will probably agree to it because he really needs us to come in and straighten things out in the office and help him with the work load. Her idea is for me to come to Cincinnati twice a month. One time I would come during a regular work week for 2 or 3 days, and then I’d come down for a weekend later in the month. He would pay me as a contractor and cover my gas expense there and back. I would stay with Kitster while I’m there, so no housing expense. During the weekday visit I’d bring Lola, and her daughter Lala would watch Lola with her little boy T. The weekend trip I’d leave her with Princess and pay her for the babysitting when Dad is not at home. Plus, he may have some work-at-home stuff for me to do here at home. This would really help me financially, plus I’d get to be with Kitster twice a month for 3 days straight. 6 days a month, I’d get to spend time with my best friend, and get paid. I think it would fill a need for both of us and it would help me, plus I’d get a child-free break every month and I think that will be good. PLUS, when I do have Lola with me my sister, brother and Dad can see her and I and that will be good too. PLUS, I can also make time to see some of my other friends I haven’t seen in a long time (TRACY!!!). I envision wonderful Gold Star lunches or dinners….
It is a win-win-win situation for me, Kitster and TDR. I hope he’ll agree. Right now with the situation being as it is, I’m thinking he may just do it! Keep your fingers crossed.
And thank you Kitster for even trying to get it to come to pass. If it doesn’t work out, I’m still gonna come down and see you more often! I love ya!
Current mood: nerdy
Well, it’s 2:30 p.m. on Christmas Day, and we are to be at my mother-in-law’s house at 6 p.m. I just finished the photo collages for my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. They actually look pretty cute. I hope they like them and like my choice of pictures. If not, they are free to redo it however they like. Knowing them, they may just redo it. What eva!!!
I have been slow cooking 3 boneless turkey breasts in my lemon peppery goodness concoction. I was impressed, this particular specialty of mine was specifically requested to be part of the Christmas dinner menu by a couple of different people.
Princess is over at her mom’s. Her mom requested that she be there “to open presents on Christmas morning”. That was the reason she wanted her to be there. Guess when they opened presents? Yesterday afternoon. She had no need of her being there this morning. So our girl woke up on Christmas day and actually had no presents to open. She just did it to mess things up for us. She will not be getting another Christmas morning from us, not for a very long time. And our girl is sick, so she is ready to go home. We will be picking her up around 5 p.m. The Ex-Wife will not be seeing her the rest of the break. I’m going to keep that girl so busy and having fun that it won’t even be an issue.
Lola has had a good Christmas. She definitely figured out the ripping paper of the box part of the presents. She has played and played with her toys and her interactive games. We gave her the Little Leaps system today, and I was amazed, she followed the directions from the very beginning of the first game. She’s a smarty!
I have been listening to my Weird Al CD, and there are some really funny things on it. I love him!!!
Lola is cranky right now. She definitely needs a nice nap before we go to Grandma’s house. It wouldn’t hurt my feelings if I could squeeze one in myself. But I need to shower and make an attempt to look pretty because Hubby will be snapping photos. And like I have said previously, I don’t often take good photos, but if I don’t wear makeup or fix my hair, I know I won’t. No one wants to see my acne scars and red spots blazing brighter than the Christmas lights. Nor would they want to see my cowlicks in all their glory.
I must go. Everyone have a nice evening.
|Currently listening :
Straight Outta Lynwood
By Weird Al Yankovic
Release date: By 26 September, 2006
This morning, we had our family Christmas morning. This year, Princess had to go to the Ex-Wife’s house for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas morning. It was really fun! This is the first year ever that I have really been excited about something I got to the point of feeling like a kid again. I got Trivial Pursuit – 80’s Edition and Name That Tune – 80’s Edition. I also got Valmont (starring the yummy Colin Firth), Bridget Jones’ Diary, and Godfather I to go with II and III that I already have. I’m glad because Godfather I is truly the best one anyway. I got Straight Outta Lynwood, Weird Al’s newest CD. I also got a lot of good smelly stuff and some really cute decorative hair ornaments (hair stix). I also got one of those plug N play joysticks with ms. pac man, galaga, pole position, xevious, and mappy games! YAY!
The kids of course, made out like wee banditos. Lola got a laptop! It’s a VTech laptop, really meant for 5 years of age or older, but it looks JUST like our laptops and she is fascinated with our computers. I am hoping this will deflect her attention to our expensive and sensitive machines. I’d rather her abuse a $50 kids’ laptop than our $800+ models, wouldn’t you? Plus, worst case scenario, she LEARNS stuff! If she breaks it, we have a 1 year warranty. She got some Elmo stuff, some Wiggles stuff, a bunch of Baby Einstein books and stuff as well. She still has a couple of gifts to open tomorrow morning. Puzzles, dress up stuff, and the biggest gift is a Little Leaps learning system, which is made especially for little ones her age. Hooks up to the TV. Lola opened her present from Tiffany, which was 5 pairs of the softest PJ’s ever, and a Little Leaps game! 🙂 thanks Tiffany!
Princess got her iPod Nano and accessories (that was $200 right there), $25 iTunes gift card, $15 Bath & Body Works card, $30 Visa Gift Card, $25 Build-A-Bear Bucks, Pirates of the Caribbean II game for Nintendo DS, jewelry, hair stix, temporary hair color, good smelly bath stuff, Pirateology and Fairyopolis books, a $20 gift card to borders, a certificate for $50 off her laptop loan. She also opened her present from Tiffany, which was $15 iTunes, $25 gift card to Hot Topic, and Pirates of the Caribbean II DVD. Thanks Tiffany!
Also, Tiffany sent me and Hubby a package, which had a decorative tree with photo frame ornaments (I LOVE IT!), and a rose-scented Yankee Candle. Someone knows their Aunt CG really well!!!
Hubby did ok too – he got an angle die grinder (i bought it but i don’t know what it does), a fancy kind of razor knife, a waist holster for his DeWalt drills (call him quick-draw mcgraw LOL), cologne and matching shower gel, a new wallet, and some other things I can’t remember!
We all got tons of candy, and the above doesn’t count all the little gifts I did for my family for the 12 days of Christmas tradition I am starting. They all got a special ornament from Mommy also.
We decided our Memory Box tradition is going to be on New Years Day, because it is about what we liked about the year just passed, and we are going to use it as a springboard to discuss our plans for the next year.
We didn’t start our “love notes” tradition I had intended on doing, simply because I ran out of time. I am going to set it up so it is ready for next year. What I’m going to do is make little cards that have a prearranged question on it. So maybe next year it will be “What was the nicest thing (family member’s name) did for you this year?” or “What is your favorite thing about (family member’s name)?” and then we’ll fill them out for each other, and put them in the tree to look at and read. Then, they can go in the memory box. I think that will be special.
This coming week, I am planning on taking Princess to work for a food bank or homeless shelter. I think it will be good for us both to help others.
Princess’s hair looked awesome this morning when she got up. I cut it and styled it yesterday and today it still looks gorgeous. Hubby said that when he got to Ex-Wife’s house she said, “Princess your hair looks great! I was going to do that for you!” and Princess said, “That’s ok, you don’t need to because CG already did it for me.” Ha! There’s a reason for that — earlier today she called and was really rude, apparently they are going to take some photos of the family today and she said, “Could you make sure that Princess actually wears something nice today?” Like Princess is Cinderella in rags or something. What she meant was “dressy” not “casual” but she’s always acting like Princess looks bad and she does not. It’s just something she can act like she would do better than us. Well, not only does Princess always look adorable, she’s smart and good and responsible, and I am sure that Ex-Wife couldn’t pull that off. Her oldest son is going to jail for the third time, and this time will probably be the long haul. He stole Ex-Wife’s mom’s credit card and bought $1800 worth of stuff off of eBay, and he stole $300 in cash out of grandma’s purse as well. So Grandma reported him. He was on probation so he will probably have to serve the full thing this time. This son was LIVING with them and her guiding hand really helped there, didn’t it? Her oldest daughter is a high school dropout who had a kid at 16, she really was watching that one too. The younger son lives with his dad and stays away from his mom pretty much, so there’s hope for him like there is for Princess. But of course she’s going to focus on the outside appearance, her clothes, her hair, like that’s what matters. Stupid cow.
Anyway when she said that today, “Don’t send her over in a T-Shirt with writing on it” Princess said, “I should get a ‘Step-Mom’s Are the Best’ T-Shirt and wear that over there for pictures.” LOL.
Ok, I need to go and play with my baby. Have a great holiday if I don’t get on here again.
We survived Picture Day, and actually it went really good. The pictures are going to be great. We did a portrait of all 14 of us, and then each individual nuclear family – all 3 siblings’ families are 4 people – So me, Hubby, Princess & Lola; Hubby’s twin brother, Sis-in-law, and her two boys; and Hubby’s sister and her husband and two boys. Then, Hubby’s mom and dad took a photo. After that, all the kids together. That was interesting!!!
But the picture of the 4 of us was really nice so I’m looking forward to getting it. I actually didn’t look too bad. It is too much to ask to look beautiful for a formal portrait, so I just don’t expect it. I pretty much expect to look like shit, and if I look slightly better than shit, I am content. I’m not saying I am UGLY or anything, just that I don’t look good in most pictures, especially formal ones.
It was a very long process and I felt sorry for the photographer lady. The place was bulging to the seams. She would die if she did MY family’s photos! I mean, there are 6 of us siblings, and 4 of us have spouses, and the total number of children at this time is 10 so that’s 20 people right there. We won’t include mom and dad because it’s weird, because Dad’s remarried, and it’s weird but we would not include my step-mom. They got married 5 years ago and we were all grown adults. We would never put her in a picture with my mom, and we would never take a family photo with my dad and not my mom.
After the photos, which were taken at the Walmart studio, I went and got the groceries I will need the next few days, and that was an experience! But we got home ok.
Earlier today, Hubby and I spent a few hours poring through all our photographs culling out a few for me to do my photo collages I’m doing as gifts for my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I bought these collage frames last year but didn’t get a chance, I’d really like to do them and have them ready for Christmas dinner. The one for my mother-in-law says “GRANDKIDS” and all the letters are cutout so you can place photos behind it. It should be just frustrating enough for me to give up quickly. LOL.
I cut Princess’s hair today by myself and I must say it turned out REALLY well. I’m impressed with myself. I styled it for the photo shoot and she looked absolutely lovely. All her aunts and uncles were saying how grown up and beautiful she looked. My hubby’s sister who usually has no patience for me, was really cheerful and nice to me today. So everything went relatively well. If they would act this way to me every day, I’d actually like them more and want to go around them more. But you just never know what you’re going to get.
I am wasting time, I need to get off here and wrap presents! Much love to everyone! Everyone who has been invited to this blog is someone very special to me and your friendship has made me what I am today. Thank you for being you, and for loving me not only in spite of my imperfections, but because of them!