Current mood: determined

I miss my mom and my family.  It is always hard after they leave or I leave them. 

I’m not in a good place today.  Feeling kind of blue.  But there is a little ray of hope — at least I know that my energy crisis has a lot to do with being alone here at the house a lot.  The whole time I was at my sister’s I was energized and didn’t feel sluggish.  It was also that way when my mom and Bri were visiting in August. 

I am still looking for the right part time job, one that won’t take me away from Lola too much.  I am really coming to realize that I would really regret losing this special time with my little tot.  Plus, I am not comfortable with her being at a daycare right now.  I mean, she cannot talk a lot yet, so she wouldn’t be able to tell me if anything was going wrong there.  I am paranoid to some extent, but I also know that this world is getting more and more fucked up and I’m not going to leave my child at the “tender” mercies of a stranger that I don’t know exceedingly well and for years and years.  And of course, you can’t even be sure about that sometimes.  So it’s down to me to be here with her, this is the responsibility I feel.

I do wish I could find the best daycare/nursery school for her where she could really blossom and get on a fast track to learning, and learn to be with kids her age.  I know those things would be beneficial for her.  And I do need time to function by myself.  This isn’t healthy, how much Lola and I are alone at this house doing absolutely nothing.

I am giving serious thought to a schedule for she and I, that would involve us leaving the house and having some physical activity every day.  I was thinking if I do my swimming laps with her, I could get her one of those little floats with the holes in the legs, and just do my laps pushing her along in front of me.  That might add some weight resistance to my workout, and she’d probably have a ball.

There is also a place called Castaway Cafe about 20 minutes from here, that is a huge huge indoor play structure that Lola loves to go to.  She is never content to play in the baby area, she has to go where the big kids go.  So, I follow her all through the structure, climbing, sliding, rolling, etc.  I know I’m getting some sort of exercise when I go there because I’m sore the next day. LOL.  But it only costs $3 to get in and thats for Lola, I get in free with the kid.  You can stay all day long if you want for that $3.  And they have a lunch bar too.  There are lots of moms with toddlers there every time we go.  I was thinking we may do that one day a week.  Of course, Princess gets mad when we go without her, but maybe she doesn’t need to know we go every week.  I will of course take her occasionally because she loves the structure too.  If she goes, then I don’t have to climb around in it for hours.  🙂

I haven’t accomplished much at all today.  Just sitting here on the computer.  But I’ve only been up for an hour.  My lovely daughter slept in with me until 10:00 a.m!!!  I love her especially much today for that.

However, I did avoid the big temptation and sin that I am so guilty of almost every day…I did not go directly to the couch, lay down, cover up and watch TV with Lola for hours, never moving from the couch except to feed her, keep her from doing something she shouldn’t, or change her diaper.  We are definitely watching too much TV.  I am campaigning right now for a family cold-turkey boycott of the TV.  I told them to give me a month of no TV and see what we could all accomplish.  Maybe they will agree to one month between now and New Years. 

Truly, the challenge of that would be for me and Lola because we have the TV on all day.  It is always on kids’ programs–not soap operas or whatever.  It will be hard to turn that TV off and let Lola go off on her own to find things to do, because that means she’ll probably find lots of things to get into!!!  But I think it would be good for both of us.  I would be less likely to lay around being inactive.  Plus, I think I will start playing different kinds of music during the day.  Lola loves music so I should start expanding her repertoire now, don’t you think?

My plan for the next month is to finally fix Lola’s room up.  I removed the twin bed from the room and gave it to my mom, so now I have room to do some things in the room for Lola.  I am going to get a little table and chairs for her to do activities.  I am going to get some toy chests, and some drawers to put her clothes in.  I will then transfer her clothes and other stuff from my room up to hers.  I am also going to bring some of her toys up there too.  I am going to decorate with all the cute things I was given at the baby showers.  The room will be green, white and pink.  I am going to also put up a baby gate at the top of the stairs.  This will be great because then when I am up there cleaning, or taking a shower, she can go between the bathroom and her room and I won’t have to worry about her getting into anything she shouldn’t.

With the removal of her clothes and a good portion of her toys and stuff up to her room, this will eliminate a lot of clutter in my living room and bedroom.  I am going to seriously declutter in the living/dining room and the bedroom.  I figure I am going to pack up all my breakables and knickknacks until Lola is bigger and won’t be trying to get them and break them.  I’m going to move furniture around, etc.  I want to have my living/dining area nice and cozy before I put up my xmas decorations.

Also, I have decided that my Pure Romance business (if you don’t know, Pure Romance sells romance-enhancing products and bedroom accessories…*wink*) is not doing so well, and I am going to go through all my products, pull out a few things for myself, then I’m going to liquidate my stock by selling it at my cost to recoup some of my money that I invested in it and just call it a day with the business.  I am not in the kind of place in my life where I can be a “go-getter” business woman.  I have about $5,000 in products here that are just sitting here.  It will be a major savings to anyone who wants to buy stuff.  If you are interested, let me know and I will send you a list of the products and the prices I’m offering them for. 

Once I get those products out of my bedroom (at least the ones I’m not planning on keeping for myself!), I will definitely have my bedroom back.  I have missed it.

I have been thinking that my need for structure and schedule is bad, a sign of perfectionism, but I am reading more and more about bipolar disorder, and the management of it, and at least SOME structure and schedule is really important to the peace of mind of someone suffering from it (which explains my emotional attachment to structure), so I am going to reintroduce them into my life.  Just a few things to help me keep going through the day.  I’m going to call upon some of my FlyLady techniques from the past to help me.

Well, this has turned out to be a long post.  I am going to close now.  I’m also going to turn that information about the Pure Romance stuff into a bulletin too so maybe I can get started selling the stuff.

Take care, everyone.



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