Ch…ch…ch…changes…

Current mood: determined

I miss my mom and my family.  It is always hard after they leave or I leave them. 

I’m not in a good place today.  Feeling kind of blue.  But there is a little ray of hope — at least I know that my energy crisis has a lot to do with being alone here at the house a lot.  The whole time I was at my sister’s I was energized and didn’t feel sluggish.  It was also that way when my mom and Bri were visiting in August. 

I am still looking for the right part time job, one that won’t take me away from Lola too much.  I am really coming to realize that I would really regret losing this special time with my little tot.  Plus, I am not comfortable with her being at a daycare right now.  I mean, she cannot talk a lot yet, so she wouldn’t be able to tell me if anything was going wrong there.  I am paranoid to some extent, but I also know that this world is getting more and more fucked up and I’m not going to leave my child at the “tender” mercies of a stranger that I don’t know exceedingly well and for years and years.  And of course, you can’t even be sure about that sometimes.  So it’s down to me to be here with her, this is the responsibility I feel.

I do wish I could find the best daycare/nursery school for her where she could really blossom and get on a fast track to learning, and learn to be with kids her age.  I know those things would be beneficial for her.  And I do need time to function by myself.  This isn’t healthy, how much Lola and I are alone at this house doing absolutely nothing.

I am giving serious thought to a schedule for she and I, that would involve us leaving the house and having some physical activity every day.  I was thinking if I do my swimming laps with her, I could get her one of those little floats with the holes in the legs, and just do my laps pushing her along in front of me.  That might add some weight resistance to my workout, and she’d probably have a ball.

There is also a place called Castaway Cafe about 20 minutes from here, that is a huge huge indoor play structure that Lola loves to go to.  She is never content to play in the baby area, she has to go where the big kids go.  So, I follow her all through the structure, climbing, sliding, rolling, etc.  I know I’m getting some sort of exercise when I go there because I’m sore the next day. LOL.  But it only costs $3 to get in and thats for Lola, I get in free with the kid.  You can stay all day long if you want for that $3.  And they have a lunch bar too.  There are lots of moms with toddlers there every time we go.  I was thinking we may do that one day a week.  Of course, Princess gets mad when we go without her, but maybe she doesn’t need to know we go every week.  I will of course take her occasionally because she loves the structure too.  If she goes, then I don’t have to climb around in it for hours.  🙂

I haven’t accomplished much at all today.  Just sitting here on the computer.  But I’ve only been up for an hour.  My lovely daughter slept in with me until 10:00 a.m!!!  I love her especially much today for that.

However, I did avoid the big temptation and sin that I am so guilty of almost every day…I did not go directly to the couch, lay down, cover up and watch TV with Lola for hours, never moving from the couch except to feed her, keep her from doing something she shouldn’t, or change her diaper.  We are definitely watching too much TV.  I am campaigning right now for a family cold-turkey boycott of the TV.  I told them to give me a month of no TV and see what we could all accomplish.  Maybe they will agree to one month between now and New Years. 

Truly, the challenge of that would be for me and Lola because we have the TV on all day.  It is always on kids’ programs–not soap operas or whatever.  It will be hard to turn that TV off and let Lola go off on her own to find things to do, because that means she’ll probably find lots of things to get into!!!  But I think it would be good for both of us.  I would be less likely to lay around being inactive.  Plus, I think I will start playing different kinds of music during the day.  Lola loves music so I should start expanding her repertoire now, don’t you think?

My plan for the next month is to finally fix Lola’s room up.  I removed the twin bed from the room and gave it to my mom, so now I have room to do some things in the room for Lola.  I am going to get a little table and chairs for her to do activities.  I am going to get some toy chests, and some drawers to put her clothes in.  I will then transfer her clothes and other stuff from my room up to hers.  I am also going to bring some of her toys up there too.  I am going to decorate with all the cute things I was given at the baby showers.  The room will be green, white and pink.  I am going to also put up a baby gate at the top of the stairs.  This will be great because then when I am up there cleaning, or taking a shower, she can go between the bathroom and her room and I won’t have to worry about her getting into anything she shouldn’t.

With the removal of her clothes and a good portion of her toys and stuff up to her room, this will eliminate a lot of clutter in my living room and bedroom.  I am going to seriously declutter in the living/dining room and the bedroom.  I figure I am going to pack up all my breakables and knickknacks until Lola is bigger and won’t be trying to get them and break them.  I’m going to move furniture around, etc.  I want to have my living/dining area nice and cozy before I put up my xmas decorations.

Also, I have decided that my Pure Romance business (if you don’t know, Pure Romance sells romance-enhancing products and bedroom accessories…*wink*) is not doing so well, and I am going to go through all my products, pull out a few things for myself, then I’m going to liquidate my stock by selling it at my cost to recoup some of my money that I invested in it and just call it a day with the business.  I am not in the kind of place in my life where I can be a “go-getter” business woman.  I have about $5,000 in products here that are just sitting here.  It will be a major savings to anyone who wants to buy stuff.  If you are interested, let me know and I will send you a list of the products and the prices I’m offering them for. 

Once I get those products out of my bedroom (at least the ones I’m not planning on keeping for myself!), I will definitely have my bedroom back.  I have missed it.

I have been thinking that my need for structure and schedule is bad, a sign of perfectionism, but I am reading more and more about bipolar disorder, and the management of it, and at least SOME structure and schedule is really important to the peace of mind of someone suffering from it (which explains my emotional attachment to structure), so I am going to reintroduce them into my life.  Just a few things to help me keep going through the day.  I’m going to call upon some of my FlyLady techniques from the past to help me.

Well, this has turned out to be a long post.  I am going to close now.  I’m also going to turn that information about the Pure Romance stuff into a bulletin too so maybe I can get started selling the stuff.

Take care, everyone.

CG

Song of my life

Current mood: depressed

Look Around
Words & Music by J. Popper

You’ll get no answer from me
About what I want or what I get
Brave enough to speak, afraid to see
Confuse the issue till you forget

And I’ve tried
To finally decide
Why
I’m in your face

And if you can’t already tell
I am unable to let things go
I’m told I do it very well
But more important you should know

That all the same
You’ve got no one to blame
But yourself
If you call that a waste

Cause it ain’t me
That’s been hurting you inside
And if you’ve learned
You’ll know much more than I

That you’re gonna have to go and find it
You’ll have to dig beneath the ground
You’ll have to unearth every ugly stone
That kept you on your own
And simply put them down
You’re gonna have to look around

You’ll get no answer from me
About what I get or what I want
That was enough to make her leave
She’s not the first one come and gone

And I don’t care
Buyer beware
Of me
Cause it might get rough

If you want peace then live alone
If you wanna hide then find a stage
Each a brief but perfect home
To accommodate your rage

And sometimes
In the midst of all my crimes
I feel lost
Or have I lost enough

Remaining friends
Remind me as they say
It’s up to you
The things you throw away

And still you’re gonna have to go and find it
You’ll have to dig beneath the ground
You’ll have to unearth every ugly stone
That kept you on your own
And simply put them down
You’re gonna have to look around
You’re gonna have to look around

You’re gonna have to look around

New Job

Current mood: contemplative

Poor Sis-in-law..I hate this time of year too.  I’ve been busy job hunting, etc., the last couple of days that I haven’t called.  I just thought that the evenings with Pup visiting would be full, etc.  But now that I think on it, they probably haven’t been, the guys have probably been doing guy stuff every night.  Poop on guys.  No offense to any guy friends of mine. LOL

Well, I went to an interview at B@th & Body works yesterday, it looks like I will be hired on as a seasonal employee at least.  I don’t know how many hours I’ll get, its kind of a call-in situation.  I am still looking for something more regular.  I have applied at Krogers, Kohl’s, Children’s Place, Ulta, Bath&Body, Deb, and a couple of others.  Plus one of the local hospitals.  Not UM because their job website sucks, I just want to APPLY for a damn job, not BID on it.  That’s ridiculous, I’m not bidding on a secretary job.  If I was a professor or something maybe I’d take the time to bid on a job, but for $12-$15 an hour its not worth it — there are lots of places to apply in the normal fashion.

What was funny about the B&B interview was that it was what they called a “group interview” and it was me and this 18 year old girl.  What was sad was that this 18 year old did better in the interview than me, mostly because she’s had some experience in retail and I’m completely new to this.  I was laughing because this girl is really driven, I was thinking–she’ll be really good at sales.  After the interview, we had to go out on the floor and demo a product to a couple of workers there, and then, we had to do the same with some customers.  I had that in the bag.  The girl hesitated.  I just fell right into the routine (its a lot like my Pure Romance business, demoing the products and I’m good at that).  The manager that interviewed me had a huge smile on her face when I looked over at her.  So I am thinking she must have liked my approach.

The girl did ok I think, but I was too focused on the customers I was talking to to notice.  She was beautiful, this girl.  She’s going to be a force to be reckoned with as she gets older, beauty and definite brains.  I hope we work together, I could use another young girl to corrupt. LOL

I just was thinking about how every day I tell myself I’m going to get things back on track, and tomorrow I’m going to get organized, get myself on a healthy lifestyle track, get my finances all in order, be a better mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend, have more fun, not waste my days.  And every night I go to bed and I didn’t do any of those things.  And I’ve been promising myself some of these things for years and have not accomplished it.  I am a procrastinator, plus I know this bipolar thing keeps me frozen and immobile if I let it.  And I’ve been letting it.  I am so ready to break these bad habits of inaction, etc. 

Also, in all my research about managing bipolar disorder, one of the things they say is that we actually NEED structure.  And I always WAS structured for years to a manic degree, and I think that this was what kept me from having the deep depressions I now experience.  Things got less structured when I started living with Hubby and Princess, but I was able to hang on to most of my structure.  But then, Lola was born, and structure has flown out of the window.  I’m not talking about Nazi structure here.  Just a little bit of basic organizational structure for my day, some places to PUT shit around here, that would help me immensely.  A daily schedule.  It’s so easy to do when you don’t have a little human being who doesn’t fall into structure yet — little toddlers need SOME structure, but most of the time, their favorite activity is disrupting all structure!  I am thinking that most of my daytime hours alone with Lola are going to be somewhat loosely structured, other than meals, snacks and naps.  I would like to divide the day somehow to include physical play, some of her favorite educational shows, and some one-on-one creative learning with mommy.  I told Hubby I am thinking of getting the dining room table out of the room (our dining room and living room are one room), get a card table for meals that I can take down every day, and get one of those little Playskool jungle gyms and put it in here.  She’s climbing everything anyway, why not get her something she’s allowed to climb? LOL

I don’t want to be on my deathbed someday, and not have accomplished some of my life goals.  I don’t want to say my days were all long and without real meaning.  I don’t want to say I wasted every day I was home as a mommy and didn’t make it special for my kids and my husband.  Days laying on the couch while the hours go by is not a healthy way to live a life.  It’s not even living.  It’s existing, and not even a worthwhile existence.

I read a quote once that said, “Look at how you spend each day, and you will ultimately know how you spent your life.”  It creeps by under the radar if you are in a depressed fog.  I’m tired of the fog.  I want to live deliberately.  I really want to.  I want to fill my days with things that give me true joy.  I want to stop tripping over the mundane shit that brings me down. 

OK, that’s enough for now!  Thanks for listening.  Wish me luck that B&B calls me and tells me I’m hired!

CG

I Forgot to mention…

Current mood: blank

I am loving Blues Traveler, and Steven Burns and the Struggle (Steven Burns formerly of Blues Clues fame).

I love Steven Burns.  He is so choice.  Shut up if you think different.  I like guys like Steven.  Did you notice that he is my new #1 Myspace friend?  Ha ha. 

And I’m definitely loving Blues Traveler right now.  Did you ever think that John Popper’s own voice sounds like a harmonica?  He has such a unique voice, and I love the lyrics.  The man rocks out loud. 

Another random weird thing about me.  When I get horny, I of course feel the tingly tinglies in the usual areas, but I also get this weird tingly feeling on a certain part of my feet that if I touch my feet there, it is like an erogenous zone.  No one, even my hubby knows that, but I think I will share it with him so that if he is giving me a foot rub, it could turn into something more…

I’m sure it has to do with pressure points or reflexology or something.  But it’s really intense and I wonder if anyone else has it that intensely that it just feels like that without any interaction with my foot at all…I’ll just be having those longing feelings and my feet will be buzzing along too.

Weird?

Miscellany

Current mood: blah

My hubby just got home from work at 8:30 p.m.  Got called out on another job not even 5 minutes later.  So, I’m alone, kids are in bed.

So…I have lost 12 lbs. since last month.  I haven’t been really focusing on it, but I have been cutting down on soft drinks/caffeine.  I am currently undermining my own efforts by eating chocolate fudge cake frosting directly out of the can.  OK.  2 Tbsp is 130 calories.  I’d say I have had 10.  So that is 5 x 130 = 650 calories.  And that is 6g fat x 5 = 30g fat.  I’d say the scale will say I’m back up to 196 tomorrow.  I have to get this frosting out of this house.  And the Halloween candy. 

I want to get down to 170 for now.  I am at 184.  If I can get down there, I will set myself another goal to lose a bit more.  But the way I’m doing it is not healthy.  I hardly eat anymore, except one meal a day usually and its not as much as I used to eat at one sitting.  For instance, went out with Sis-in-law for dinner the other night, got a filet mignon, etc.  I ate most of the steak but didn’t finish it (8 oz), didn’t eat my veggies or mashed potatoes.  Only had one piece of bread  before the dinner came.  I did have salad, but didn’t eat all of that.  Dessert, only had a few bites and let Princess finish it.  Normally I would have eaten every bite of everything.  Just not that hungry lately.

I need to get some structure back in my life.  I really feel like just a tad bit of structure would help me immensely.  And the more I think on it, the more I am convinced that I should get out of the house more, via a part time job of some sort.  I think it would be good for me, and I think it would perhaps be good for Lola, even if I am working days and she has to go to daycare.  The guilt from that I am trying to understand — I just feel like I would be abandoning Lola.  No offense to any working moms out there, I am pretty sure this will be my only baby ever, and I just wanted to raise her up, be home with her, teach her everything myself.  But losing our asses financially is not an option either.  Working actually may be just taking the easy way out, I could probably make this work if I got super-frugal around here, but with my bipolar situation, I have a lot of work to do to conquer my spending habits.  Really, I dont’ have any idea which way is up.  OK?  No answers yet.  The more I write about this the more confused I am.  Ugh.  I need my therapist.

I’m going to go now, lay down on the couch and listen to “Movin’ Easy” channel on Sirius Radio. 

The Accomplishments of Princess

Christmas is coming. I have little to no money, and a huge family on both sides. I am working on a plan to give meaningful gifts without expending a great deal of money. I’ll be lucky to make sure my kids have a good christmas, let alone buy gifts for over 20 kids just within my immediate family and my husband’s.

Princess and I have discussed the matter and we decided that we are going to concentrate on setting up some family traditions this year, and decorating the house really nice for the holidays and doing holiday-related fun stuff, like singing carols, making gingerbread houses, cookies, making a great xmas dinner, and some family traditions for making memories. I am going to concentrate on those kind of things. I have a few ideas that will hopefully make it a great xmas even though the kids aren’t going to be getting much as they have in the past.

Princess’s list of things she wants has grown shorter and more substantial in price. She knows if she gets her #1 thing on her list there may not be much more under the tree. What she doesnt’ know is that we are planning on making a certificate for her — she borrowed money from us to buy a laptop. We have had a loan agreement which includes a pretty hefty list of chores she has had to do every day for a few months. If she misses even one thing we repossess the laptop at the end of the month, and she has to go the entire next month without missing anything to get it back. At the end of the month if all boxes are checked off we apply a specific amount to her debt. She has not missed one box for months, has never had the laptop repossessed, and has gone above and beyond even her to-do list to help me around here. So…now that she’s only got about $200 to go to pay it off, we are either going to give her a certificate that the debt is now paid off, or $100 off the amount, and that is one of our xmas gifts to her. She deserves it, she got straight A’s again, and she has been nominated to the National Junior Honor Society. She works like a dog and I am proud of her. She deserves her laptop. I think she has really gotten a lot out of the loan we did with her. We have treated it much like a bank loan and we had a loan agreement which was signed by all of us and witnessed. She has it hanging up in her room by her desk.

I think I may just take $100 off the amount because I want her to have that good feeling of paying off the loan herself. I will then do a “release of lien” and an ownership deed for her. LOL

I would definitely loan her money again. She’s a good risk. LOL

If she agrees to continue doing the work we have assigned her for this loan, we will pay her the monthly amount we were applying to the loan. I think she would like that and the work she is saving me, it would be well worth it. For instance, I haven’t washed a dish myself in over 3 months!! And we haven’t had a dirty dish crisis in that time, either. Of course having the dishwasher installed helps, but it is nice that i don’t have to load or unload it. She takes the garbage out every night, along with doing the kitty litter and feeding her pets. She watches Lola 3 times a week for an hour, plus once a week for a few hours while me and Daddy go somewhere. She cleans her room once a week, has to exercise for a half hour three times a week, has to read 3 hours a week, has to help with laundry and cleaning when I am doing that too. Impressive, huh? She also watches Lola more than that really, and also does her homework. Her chores take her about 20 minutes each day other than the reading and exercise which she gets without even really thinking.

It’s a lot of work but she agreed to it and she has done it faithfully. If I get a job and she will watch Lola for me in the evenings until Daddy comes home, I will release her from some of those other obligations, and pay her good for the babysitting. I don’t want her to watch Lola too much — I want her to be a kid. And I want her to continue getting good grades.

Of course, Princess has a lot of things that people would consider being spoiled. She is a 12 year old with a cell phone, a laptop, and other things like that. She has her best girlfriend over almost every day, the kid even stays over on school nights sometimes. (She’s a great kid I don’t mind) People looking in from the outside see those things and may think shes spoiled, but I know how hard she works for those things.

Well, I should close for now. It’s just that I am rarely in the mood to write anymore, so I thought I’d indulge myself this time.

Hope all of you are well.

CG

Books & Jobs

Current mood: hopeful

I may not be on here for the next few days.  I am reading an excellent book about learning to live with bipolar disorder.  The philosphy is that medication alone cannot really create stability in a person who is suffering from bipolar spectrum disorders.  You have to learn to manage it with lifestyle changes, support, and other changes.  Bipolar disorders, like diabetes, is an illness.  It is not a character flaw.  It is simply a condition that affects the brain’s chemistry, particularly the part of the brain that regulates emotions.  You cannot fix it by willpower alone, just as diabetics cannot regulate their insulin levels by willpower alone. 

I am really getting a lot out of this book, it is helping me to see some things about myself that are actually a part of the disorder that I never realized were part of it.  It is a great book that is directed not only toward to person suffering from the disorder, it also has insight for the family and friends of those who suffer, so that they can provide the support that is truly needed, and to know when they have crossed over into caretaking versus support.  JHubby is reading it with me.  I am so glad that he is invested in me feeling better, as much as I am. 

I need to get in a structure of managing this bipolar stuff before I can do anything else, because I think the bipolar stuff may be part of my trigger for fibromyalgia pain.  Also, my apathy that occurs during the depression parts has kept me from taking better care of my physical health, and I think that has affected me by making me so deconditioned that even basic physical activity makes me sore.  I have really gotten out of shape in every way (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually), that I need to claw my way back out of it.  And that is exactly what it is going to be.  It is going to be hard work and I am going to have to focus all my attention on making myself well.  I have to treat this illness first.  It comes before working, relationships, hobbies, anything else. 

I hope my friends and family will understand, it will take time for me to examine myself and my symptoms to understand my personal experience of bipolar disorder, and then to find the right combinations of medications and lifestyle changes to find some balance.  I can’t give anything to anyone else if I don’t give myself some TLC first. 

However, I am truly invested in getting my life and my dreams back. 

I am also applying for some part-time seasonal work at some of the local shops nearby, because I feel I really need to get out of the house more by myself.  Plus it will help us to get back on track financially.  It is not permanent, probably through the holidays, but if I find that working part time is helping my outlook I may consider doing it into the next year.  I am hoping to work evenings so that Hubby and Princess can take care of Lola and I won’t have the expense of daycare, nor will I have the guilt of leaving my baby with someone she doesn’t know.  I don’t have any friends or relatives that live close enough for it to be feasible for them to watch her every day economically.  Now, if Sis-in-law moves anytime soon, that may change, if she wants to make some money and spend some time with the cutest girl in the world.

So, I am concentrating on those things.  Firstly, the health issues, and secondly and not as urgently, the P-T job.

Just thought I’d update you all.

CG