Depression is insidious and an enemy that plays dirty. Depression is the type of opponent that throws dirt in your eyes, kicks you in the crotch, or takes someone you love hostage to win.

Depression is hard to beat. It takes a lot of fortitude and willpower, which is nearly impossible because Depression sucks all fortitude and willpower out of you. You almost have to find a place in your mind where Depression doesn’t exist and basically run it off.

I’m probably not making any sense. But that’s part of the problem. I never make sense anymore. I am so absent minded and self-destructive, I am drowning in a mire of my own making, and am dragging my poor family along with me.

Can you tell I didn’t take my meds every day while I was gone? This girl needs to get her meds back on track because I can see now, they do make a difference. So do the vitamins I was taking before. I gotta get a handle on all this before they condemn my house (filthy), shut all our stuff down (unpaid), take our cars (forgot to send payment) and we end up in the poor house (bad money management) because I just can’t bring myself to do the things I need to do.

Instead, I’m paralyzed with fear and typing stupid shit on my diary. And this is definitely helping me get those things done, isn’t it?

I hate myself right now. I’m not living the way I wanted to live. I’m wasting my time, my life and I know it, but why can’t I move forward? I feel like a block of ice, unmoveable, and no one can melt me so I can be free. Hubby can buy me flowers and cards and love me to distraction; my kids can adore me and make me feel needed and necessary, yet I am unwell. My friends, sisters and brothers can tell me over and over again they are there for me, and they are, yet I feel alone. This tells me the answer is inside. The sun to melt my iceberg is inside me. The gates to open up and let everyone back in are inside me. My mojo is inside. I can even see and feel them, but can’t muster the strength or love for myself to start the chain of events needed to move forward.

It’s really unbelievable. I know what I need to do to make myself feel better. I know my meds and vitamins make me feel better. They sit in front of me yet I will not take them. There is a deep seated part of me that just knows I don’t deserve to feel good or be happy. That deep seated part of me is really insane and of course is wrong, but they are stronger than the rest of me.

I’m tired. I’m only 32 and I feel as if I have fought in 32 years of war. I guess I have, with myself. It’s like a line in that song by Tim McGraw “I don’t know why they say grown men don’t cry” — “Years of bad decisions running down her face.”

I need to fix this stuff inside or I’m going to mess up one of the only good decisions I ever made, and that is to spend my life with Hubby, Princess and Lola.

Gotta go. I’m going to make myself clean up around here. Maybe that will make me feel a bit less chaotic.


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