Depression is insidious and an enemy that plays dirty. Depression is the type of opponent that throws dirt in your eyes, kicks you in the crotch, or takes someone you love hostage to win.

Depression is hard to beat. It takes a lot of fortitude and willpower, which is nearly impossible because Depression sucks all fortitude and willpower out of you. You almost have to find a place in your mind where Depression doesn’t exist and basically run it off.

I’m probably not making any sense. But that’s part of the problem. I never make sense anymore. I am so absent minded and self-destructive, I am drowning in a mire of my own making, and am dragging my poor family along with me.

Can you tell I didn’t take my meds every day while I was gone? This girl needs to get her meds back on track because I can see now, they do make a difference. So do the vitamins I was taking before. I gotta get a handle on all this before they condemn my house (filthy), shut all our stuff down (unpaid), take our cars (forgot to send payment) and we end up in the poor house (bad money management) because I just can’t bring myself to do the things I need to do.

Instead, I’m paralyzed with fear and typing stupid shit on my diary. And this is definitely helping me get those things done, isn’t it?

I hate myself right now. I’m not living the way I wanted to live. I’m wasting my time, my life and I know it, but why can’t I move forward? I feel like a block of ice, unmoveable, and no one can melt me so I can be free. Hubby can buy me flowers and cards and love me to distraction; my kids can adore me and make me feel needed and necessary, yet I am unwell. My friends, sisters and brothers can tell me over and over again they are there for me, and they are, yet I feel alone. This tells me the answer is inside. The sun to melt my iceberg is inside me. The gates to open up and let everyone back in are inside me. My mojo is inside. I can even see and feel them, but can’t muster the strength or love for myself to start the chain of events needed to move forward.

It’s really unbelievable. I know what I need to do to make myself feel better. I know my meds and vitamins make me feel better. They sit in front of me yet I will not take them. There is a deep seated part of me that just knows I don’t deserve to feel good or be happy. That deep seated part of me is really insane and of course is wrong, but they are stronger than the rest of me.

I’m tired. I’m only 32 and I feel as if I have fought in 32 years of war. I guess I have, with myself. It’s like a line in that song by Tim McGraw “I don’t know why they say grown men don’t cry” — “Years of bad decisions running down her face.”

I need to fix this stuff inside or I’m going to mess up one of the only good decisions I ever made, and that is to spend my life with Hubby, Princess and Lola.

Gotta go. I’m going to make myself clean up around here. Maybe that will make me feel a bit less chaotic.

Almonzo is sick.

Update from earlier.

My poor Almonzo. He is down to 5.5 lbs. His mouth is a travesty. It is so infected the vet can’t even figure out what is wrong until we get that under control. But it looks really, really bad. He said it could be an abcess, worst case scenario is it could be a tumor. I am to give him an antibiotic for a week, then next Wednesday we return for surgery. He will take a look at it then and determine what it is, and according to what it is, we can do what needs to be done. If it is a tumor, then it will depend on how bad and large it is as to whether anything can be done.

I am hoping that it is just an abcess, but just the thought that it could possibly be something that can’t be helped and what will happen from there, makes me feel terrible. Pray for my Almonzo.

My beloved Kitty, Almonzo, he is sick. I am no sure what is wrong for sure, but I think (hope) it is just an abcessed tooth. When we came home from vacation, I noticed he had lost more weight and he is already bony as it is. Anyway, then I started petting him and his ruff and underside is all matted up (unlike him). Today, his face is swelled up and he smells really bad.

I think it is an abcessed tooth, because that would keep him from eating (thus the weight loss), and maybe it hurts too bad to groom himself (thus the mats). We have an appt at 11 and I will find out. I hope that is all that is wrong.

He is my special baby and has been for 13 years. Even if his affections have turned more towards Hubby than me I still love him more than anything.

On other notes, we got home from vacation on Monday evening. I spent yesterday unpacking and then I had to drive to take Princess to her mom’s for a visit. After that I went home and did more unpacking, then I got on and checked my gargantuan amount of email. I took Sis-in-law’s quiz (got a 100 of course), and inspired me to make my own (Sis-in-law got a 100 of course). What really surprised me is that Princess took it and got 100 too. It is surprising because one of the questions has to do with how I deal with awkward situations–I didn’t know she knew me well enough to know what I would do in an awkward situation. Impressive. She’s a people observer, that one.

We had a good time on vacation. For once, Princess brought a friend who was a good kid and was basically an angel the whole time. Plus, it was an opportunity to take Tay (that’s her name) on a trip that she might not get to go on with anyone else. We went to St. Augustine, FL, and had a condo on the beach (made possible only because my sister and brother-in-law were paying for half of it too), and we had a couple of outings, one day to Disney (we hit 3 parks on one day! 10+ miles of walking!), and the rest of the time we lazed around the beach. I cooked dinner 4 nights out of the 7 we were there. Unfortunately, and my sister Lois was really sick the whole time we were gone (NOT related to my cooking, ha ha), and she is still sick even though she is home. I think she has a sinus infection or something. Poor girl.

We LOVED this beach and we are definitely going there again. We would go out on these night explorations when the tide was out, and we saw SO many things in the tidepools: hundreds of starfish, different types of crabs, jellyfish (blue ones!), lots of little fishies and big fishies, strange rock formations, and once we found a trail in the dirt that was very obviously a HUGE turtle. We followed it down the beach, but it ended in a deeper tidepool and we were unable to pick the trail back up. I was bummed because that would have been COOL to see.

The absolute best part of the trip for everyone was seeing how the Lola LOVED the ocean. Beach living really agrees with her. I’ve never seen her sleep so peacefully or explore so much! She hardly cried the whole time we were there. She’s a water sign like her mommy and daddy, and maybe the water brings her peace just like it does for her dad and I.

On our way back from vacation we stopped in Cincinnati to visit my family. We saw my dad twice. I can’t even begin to express how different he looks, he is getting worse and it is showing. It breaks my heart to see him that way, and since we left to come home I haven’t been able to shake the sadness from me. It makes me want to curl up in a bed and cry for days, but I have to continue taking care of the family and that is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. Thank Goddess that I have a therapy appointment tonight. I need to be reprogrammed. LOL.

Smart Lola

Ok, just in the last month, Lola:

* Learned to play the harmonica. Of course she doesn’t know how to play a particular tune, but she can blow and retract breath through it to make all the notes, and she moves around to hit different notes, and geez if she doesn’t make what sounds like songs.

* Started speaking in phrases and on at least one occasion, whole sentences.

* Started giving everyone real kisses.

* Is eating with fork and spoon rather well for her age! Last night she ate her dinner and apple sauce without spilling much at all!

* Sings along with her favorite videos, she keeps the tune although she doesn’t get the words.

* Dancing! Oh my goodness she dances, and she keeps the rhythm so well! I think all kids are born with rhythm and we lose it as we get older! But anyway she is actually really good.

* She is learning how to clean up her toys and put them away. She won’t do it all the time, and she will sometimes clean up just to take everything out again, but the core lesson is there, I think!

* She is communicating her needs better and better.

* She is definitely connecting with other kids now, and wants to play WITH them, not just NEAR them.

* She is helping me dress and undress her, and tries to help me rub in her shampoo and soap. She is learning how to brush teeth. I still have to do it but she is learning to move the brush around in her mouth. I am going to start letting her help me brush my teeth and see if that helps.

Anyway, I am sure these are all normal things for a 14 month old, I just think my baby is so special. I know all you moms think the same about your kids and you are totally right! We all have special, unique and amazing children! I’m just biased about mine. I don’t see how she could be anything but exceptional, since she has my genetics AND my husbands’! Oh…well…that could also bite me in the ass because we both have our little weirdnesses! Let’s hope she continues to display our good qualities more than our bad.

On the not-so-good side — * She definitely has my temper! Hell hath no fury as Lola denied! Oh well, she needs to realize Mommy is the boss! LOL Her screams sound like a ringwraith!!! We call her “Baby Nasgul” when she starts throwing her tantrums. I always tell Hubby we are so screwed, because she has HIS mischievousness and MY temper, which are both very considerable and to be much feared.

In my personal life I am still slowly making changes in my personal care (or lack thereof). I am doing a lot of things that are uplifting to me emotionally and spiritually, and being kind to myself when I feel down in the dumps here and there. I have been taking meds for my depression for a couple of months now, and although I was really against it to begin with, I am really very pleased with it now. I am feeling much more happy and less overwhelmed. I have more energy, and what is more, I have motivation, which hasn’t been for a long time. I am handling stress better, and I am able to laugh at things a lot more than I was before. I am not having any side effects at all now so I think I have found the right med. I am taking the lowest dose of the medication, and only 1/2 of the tablet each day. I was taking a whole tablet and it made me extremely sleepy. It is funny how each person’s body makeup is different and how medication affects some people differently than others.

I can’t wait until summer break. I plan on going every other morning to the local rec center and swim laps first thing in the a.m. I’d do it now but every time I wanted to, I would have to arrange for a babysitter and it just seems so overwhelming for me to do that 3 or more times a week right now. The place I’m going to be going is about 15 miles away, but the cool thing is, by the end of the summer our new high school will be finished, and there is an olympic size pool there open to the public. It will take me a lot less time to go and come back, and then I wouldn’t feel so bad about my neighbor watching her. I just don’t have many other people nearby that I can ask (or trust) to watch her.

Plus, we don’t have money for babysitters as a general rule right now. We are doing without a lot of things just so I can stay home and be there for Lola. But I have to say that Princess (who is now 11) is the one who is really benefitting from me being around a lot. I don’t know if it is my meds making me calmer and easier to get along with, or just being here more, but Princess and I are getting closer and closer every day. She is turning out to have a wicked sense of humor like me, and man, she is smart and very insightful about people.

She’s a pleasure to be around! Both my kids are.

Well, I gotta get out of here, I have blocks to play with on the floor.