Still Sick

I am apparently having a relapse of the upper respiratory infection I recently had, and it’s laying me low again. I am so sore, all over, and I’m going to go to bed after this.

But I wanted to explain why I haven’t been on here lately. I have been extremely depressed, especially since Lola was born. It is more than postpartum. I am now seeing a therapist, and I’m on antidepressants, and today I was told I need to see a psychiatrist because I need meds the regular doctor can’t prescribe me. Joy. If I didn’t feel nuts before, now I do!

My meds I’m currently on make me feel like a zombie so I need to get things taken care of. Right now, I can barely wake up before noon, and I fall asleep sitting upright! Which is not good when me and Lola are here alone. It is so scary when I fall asleep like that, so I am cutting down the dosage per my doctor’s instructions (although I was on the LOWEST dosage available–now I have to cut the pills in half!).

The reason I went for help and agreed to meds was because I wanted to perk up and not feel so tired, and unmotivated. Thus, these meds are NOT working for me. I know that I have mild bipolar tendencies, so I guess I need a mood stabilizer. I hate having to take meds, but I have tried all kinds of natural remedies to no avail.

On top of this, I have been having a lot of pain in my joints and tissues. My new doctor (I love her), sent me to get blood drawn and they did lots of tests on me. Because they found indications of an inflammation in my blood, apparently the signs point toward an autoimmune disorder related to arthritis, ie., rhematoid arthritis. It could also be fibromyalgia, or something to that effect. As the joints are getting worse, I do believe that I do have R.A., because my joints are extremely painful, they get cramped really easily (especially fingers, hands, elbows, knees and ankles), and they get swollen and inflamed. I am really sad because RA can be really bad. I have been blaming myself because if I took better care of myself, maybe this wouldn’t be happening. But my therapist pointed out to me that when a person gets RA this young, it’s something that was destined to happen “out of the chute”. I want to believe it. Apparently there are meds to take to maintain RA but no cure. The things I’ve read say that the meds can keep damage to a minimum, but there will be damage. Sometimes the meds don’t work. RA can be potentially disfiguring also. At any rate, I’m going to have to make some lifestyle changes now, I have no choice.

What is really upsetting though, is with this depression and being so in pain, I just can’t seem to get motivated to even care to make the changes.

I am really blessed with my lovely children and husband, and I want to be the best I can be, for them. The way my life is now, is not working, I am not happy with some things. I am going to have to make some major changes, and reprioritize. I’m going to have to stop stressing about things that really don’t matter.

And most of all, I need to start putting myself at the top of the priority list. If I don’t, I’ll fall apart, and then my family will have to take care of ME, instead of me caring for them which is what I want more than anything.

Hell, my therapist points out that if I talk to my friends and family on the phone for 30 minutes to an hour a day, I am giving them up to 7-10 hours a week of my time, and I don’t even give myself one hour. So I am going to have to make sure that I’m giving myself time to take care of my health, and I am going to have to endeavor to make my time with my friends QUALITY time so that I am happy and they are happy (not that I’m responsible for anyone else’s happiness). I am also going to have to put my relationship with my husband up on the priority list too, because I’m really going to need his help to get through all this.

But here’s the last part of what I wanted to tell you all — I am going to let my Gold membership here expire, and I may move to a different blog address. If I do, I will let you know where I am going. I am keeping my membership active so I can keep reading all my favorite diaries, though. Maybe a new venue will prompt me to journal more often?

I am so grateful for my husband, kids, family, friends and the knowledge that my family loves me.

So hopefully that’s enough of an update.

Take care, all. Don’t get yourself into the condition I find myself in!


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