Gah. I feel so unbelievably overwhelmed.
I have no idea what would be the best thing for me to do. I am totally lacking energy and motivation to pull myself out of this rut. I am depressed. I know this–I have been seeing a therapist for 4 months. We have discussed it. She believes I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD-no shit), sunlight deprivation if you will. I know it has a lot to do with my hormones since I had the baby, and it is probably just postpartum depression, but everywhere you go people want to put you on medications. I just don’t know if I want to do that. Every cell in my body rebels at taking meds. First of all, I’m breastfeeding so it isn’t even an option until Lola is weaned.
Second of all, I just don’t want to go down that road again. If I could know for absolute certain that I would feel more energetic and directed again I would do it. But I don’t think the meds would do anything about the things I’m doing to myself that are getting me down. A pill won’t help me learn not to procrastinate. A pill won’t help me learn not to fear success. A pill won’t help me learn not to be a perfectionist. A pill won’t help me like what I see in the mirror.
I used to be a real go-getter, I mean, I always had my list and I was always checking things off. Now I am scared to even stop and MAKE a list because of how much I have (perceive I have) to do and what is behind. Then I start questioning my priorities and whether they are realistic or even important.
I have a hard time seeing the big picture, I concentrate on the details to the point that I miss the big picture. I can say that logically and it is true, but how can I get my heart to accept it and overcome the hurdle of wanting to get every detail right (what I do is — if I can’t get every detail right, then I don’t do anything).
I will go sometimes days or weeks doing great, concentrating on looking at the big picture and just taking baby steps or baby bites out of a task and I will get a lot done and I feel really good. But then, for whatever reason, I let something get my momentum stopped. I deny myself things that are simple to do but are really good for me. For instance, for over a week, I haven’t been taking my vitamins at night before bed. I think about it every night, I could very well go in and do it, but I just say, “ah, fuck it.”
I honestly think that taking the vitamins actually does make me feel better so why do I just stop myself from going in the kitchen and taking them? It’s less than 2 minutes of my time and I’m already in there before bed anyway.
I keep saying I’m lazy. My therapist says I am not. But I do really think I may have gotten lazy. How do you get un-lazy? I’ve never gotten lazy before and I don’t know how to quit cold turkey.
Ok, it’s almost midnight, I should go to sleep. My kids are in bed and have been for an hour. Just another way I am punishing myself. I’m exhausted and should go to bed, and I don’t.