A Long-Overdue, Long Winded Entry

You know, sometimes, I wish I had more time, energy or desire to write in my journal on a daily basis, like I used to. I just am not in a mode right now where I want to stop and write online much. Right now is a weird time, it’s 1:15 a.m. and I should be in bed. But Hubby is not home (he’s at SIL’s house working on his Jeep with BIL), the babies are asleep and I was working on getting ready for my next home party for my new business.

I am at a stopping point and I have a choice. I can continue to work/prepare for the party, go to bed, or I can do something else. I just thought I’d come on here and update everyone on what is going on in my life lately.

Well, I’ll start with the general stuff. My family and I are doing well. Lola is 9 months old now. She amazes me every day. She’s getting cuter and cuter as the days go by. She is now “cruising”, that is, hanging onto furniture and walking while holding onto things. She’s a very good crawler and she gets into every blessed thing in the house. We just put up baby gates. I bought one of those movable baby fence type things to put around the xmas tree, so we can finally put that up in the next few days.

Princess is doing well in the 6th grade. She is still getting great marks in all her classes, and is still playing the flute in band. She is getting ready to start the winter basketball program. She’s growing up so fast. She’s absolutely gorgeoous, 5 feet tall, wears a size 7 shoe, and wears Junior/Miss size 1 or 3 clothes. She’s already got this hourglass figure going on (and a B cup bra size!). It’s somewhat alarming to Hubby and myself–when you look at her, she looks so much older than 11, but she’s still very much a baby at heart–she plays with dolls and loves Neopets and stuffed animals. I know she notices boys, but apparently it is not the #1 thing on her list. The most important thing you should know is that she is growing up to be a very good, thoughtful person and I’m always impressed with how insightful she can be about people and situations.

Hubby is working like crazy; both at his day job and also doing snow plowing when he is able. For instance, we are expecting quite a bit of snow in the next couple of days, and in anticipation, he is working on the Jeep to add a few parts that will help him with the snowplowing. The snowplowing really helps us financially, since I am doing the stay-at-home thing and am just starting my new home business.

As far as my relationship with Hubby, it is definitely growing and changing since Lola was born. I am struggling with a lot of personal issues, but he is being very patient and supportive. I know that as our lives progress, sharing a home, and now raising 2 children together, we find ourselves entering more and more intimate relationship realms. We definitely need to get to a point where we can get out together just the 2 of us from time to time and reconnect on a more physical level, to allow ourselves to tap into the chemistry that we still share. Sometimes, we still feel that electric zap just looking at each other from across the room, but just have so many things going on we don’t act on it as frequently (I know, a common complaint of married-with-children’s).

As far as I am concerned, I am battling a mild case of depression; probably because of post-partum, but maybe because I am overwhelmed with a lot of different things. I am seeing a therapist who is extremely helpful and I absolutely adore her. I think one of the reasons I like her so much is that she likes me so much. She told me last week that I am her absolute favorite person that she sees in her practice. She gave me a birthday present. She remembers all the details of my life that I’ve shared with her, including the names of all my siblings, etc., without having to flip through her notes (LOL). I love how her therapy style is to be very supportive and positive.

Anyway, what has been on my mind generally is just trying to juggle everything that I want to do in my life. I just can’t seem to keep it all straight. First of all, there is my desire to be at home with the kids, and keep my home. But I get so bored being here, and it seems like Lola demands so much of my attention I just don’t do the things around the house like I should. I don’t keep up with paying the bills so things get late, or I spend money I shouldn’t spend and then we get behind on bills. Or, conversely, if I do sit down and try to pay bills during the day, inevitably I am so distracted by the baby that I mess up and miscalculate. My house gets cluttered and piled up, and although I know many will tell me that this is normal for a mom with a young child, I also know there are a lot of moms with young children who DO keep their houses somewhat orderly. It is totally against my grain to have a messy house, but I can’t bring myself to really keep it up the way I used to. I know once Lola is bigger and really self-entertaining I can put more time into it.

I am also worried about the finances. I know that it is an adjustment, going from a 2 income household to a 1 income household, losing 35K in yearly income as a family. I just can’t seem to get myself back on the shoestring budget that we need to be operating on now that I am not bringing home the cash. I’m spending like I am still working full time. Luckily, Hubby has all these other streams of income that come in from time to time, that is what has kept our heads above water this long. If we didn’t have any credit debt we would be fine. But we have 2 vehicle payments (albeit small ones, but more than we had when I first stopped working), and miscellaneous other things. We are working to try to pay them all off so we don’t have to worry about it anymore.

Which brings me to another thing on my mind, which is my new business. It is against company policy to link to the company from a blog or personal website so I can’t do that. But what I do is present products at home parties – our company sells products that enhance relationships, i.e., lotions, heighteners, lubricants, bedroom accessories and spa products. I like to say that our company sells everything to pamper a woman from head to toe. It’s more than just “sex toys”. There is so much more to it. What is great about the company is that we don’t sell these products in stores, but at in-home parties, where ladies can purchase items in private and in a supportive women-only environment. What makes our company different is that we create a fun yet educationally enriched environment where women can feel safe to explore things they want to learn about sex and romance. It is so much fun to attend these parties, and I have now learned that it is also a blast to do this as a business. I love this company because they are working hard to bust the stereotypes about this type of business. We present our products in a classy, well-informed manner and also are involved in research and education. One of the neatest things is a program they have designed for women following cancer diagnosis or treatment. The company was featured on VH1’s All Access (Celebrity Parties). Several high-profile female celebrities has had our company present products at their personal parties.

Anyway, I’m getting my business up and running. This Saturday will be my second party, and I’m excited about it. I have decided to wait until after the holidays, and then get out there and market, market, market and try to drum up a few parties so I can get this show on the road. The earnings potential for this business is excellent. My first party was lame, sales wise and I still had over $500 in sales, and my profit after replacing my stock that I sold, etc., was about $150. That averages out to about $30 per hour. However, I know from attending and hostessing these parties, as well as comparing notes with other sales people in this business, an decent party with 10-15 ladies over the age of 24 will usually be at least $600 to $1000 in sales. This party this weekend is supposed to be 20-25 ladies, all over 25, and all with established careers, etc., who have been nagging the hostess to throw this party for months. This means they are eager to see the products, and that means they will probably want to buy lots of stuff. I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but all the signs point to positive outcome. Hell, if I clear another $100 its still more than I had before I went to the party.

Right now, I am giving myself the achievable goal of trying to have at least 2 parties a month. What I’d like to build up to is at least 1 party per week, perhaps 2. At 2 shows per week, and the average sales per show is $700, and taking into consideration my buying discount, my profit per week would be $560, or $2240 per month. I’d say per show I’d put about 5 hours into it, so 10 hours per week; that’s $56/hour.

What I’m doing right now is getting the business organized. I have all my accounting spreadsheets, etc., set up, and what I’m working on now is to have everything organized so that when a new party comes in I just grab a packet of forms and a checklist and I’m good to go. It will be quick and efficient so I don’t have to spend hours scrambling to get ready for each show. I actually have the checklist, etc., and mainly just working out the kinks as I find them. Once I have the system really worked out it’s going to be a total breeze. Minimal effort, maximum payoff.

As far as the sales presentation is concerned, I actually enjoy it immensely and can’t believe I come off as good as I seem to during the demonstration. As far as what I’m selling, it’s something I can really get behind because I’ve been a very satisfied customer of this company for years. My husband is excited to be a product tester! He’s one of my best advertisers.

Another thing that is on my mind is my health. I am still trying to lose weight because apparently that is what is causing me to have so much joint pain, especially in my hips, knees and ankles. I am taking glucosamine condroitin, calcium and other vitamins but it doesn’t seem to help. I’m 5’4″ and I weigh 185 lbs., and where I’d like to be is around 140-150. All I know is that since my 3rd trimester my knees have been KILLING me. This weight loss thing is really giving me a hard time because I am fighting a serious sugar/caffeine addiction; and I’m so tired all the time I don’t work out as much as I should.

I’m having a hard time finding the time and energy to 1) commit to my health goals; 2) make time for myself; 3) invest time and energy into my business; 4) keep my household running the way I want to; 5) create material abundance the way I envision it. I just can’t seem to juggle everything. I seem to have the feeling of needing to pick just one of these things and do it, and that I can’t do them all to the extent I want to. (This is the all-or-nothing, co-dependence talking–thus the therapy). I don’t know how to not be a perfectionist, and to stop having expectations that are unreasonable for myself. I get so discouraged because I can’t make everything perfect. I keep saying I’m lazy but my therapist disagrees.

I am also struggling with general self-image issues. Being heavier than I’ve ever been is hard, because I can’t seem to wear the clothes I am used to wearing. I feel like I look so old. I have zits AND wrinkles. What the hell is with that? I am trying not to dwell on it, and take baby steps to boost my self-image. For instance, I just went to the dentist, and I’m going to have my teeth worked on and a few things fixed. I just broke a wisdom tooth last week and it will be repaired, and I am going to have a bridge put in on the bottom in the back where I am missing a molar and going to fix that up nice. I am going to have my teeth whitened and I’m going to get my front teeth bonded; I have a gap in my front teeth that I am going to have filled in. I’ve always been blessed with straight teeth and a decent smile, but my teeth have always been off-white, and the gap has bugged me forever. So I’m going to fix that.

I am also going to start getting some skin treatments to get my skin under control. I have a lot of scarring and also because of hormones my acne is flaring up again. I’ve never had good skin but I am really invested in taking better care of my skin now. I’m going to go to a dermatologist or a spa and I’m going to get my skin looking nice and I’m going to reduce the appearance of my scars and discoloration.

I’m also intending to recommit to getting into shape and reclaiming my health.

Really, one of my problems is that I DON’T see the big picture, I get caught up in all the minute details and get overwhelmed by that. But really, if you zoom out, so to speak and see the whole picture, there are only a few priorities I need to concentrate on:

1) My self (my health, appearance, fun)
2) My family & home
3) My business
4) Our finances

And that is exactly the order of importance. I should just get out my calendar and schedule time in for each thing in order of priority and not beat myself up if the lower priority thing doesn’t get the attention I think it should on a week-to-week basis.

The business is really just to help me to be able to stay home and do what I really love, which is take care of my family. If I find I’m working more than 20 hours per week on it, and it is taking a toll on my health or family, then I need to make some changes.

But that isn’t the problem right now. I need to just get up off the couch and do ANYTHING on any of those priorities.

Writing in this journal, although it has been very beneficial and helped me to clear my mind, really is just me procrastinating doing more things I need to get done, or procrastinating on going to bed.

So I am just going to close now that I’ve been writing for an hour. I started at 1:13 a.m. and it is 2:09 a.m. now. I’m going to be tired in the morning, when Lola wakes up and I’m not ready.

Well, thanks for suffering through this long-winded entry.

CG

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