Everything, and I mean, EVERYTHING, pales in comparison to the tenderness I feel towards her. I have never known such love in my life. I have never had anyone look at me the way she does. It makes me cry with joy.
I never knew anyone could mean this much to me.
I have always loved intensely and deeply and completely; I have known passion and devotion; I have loved Hubby and Princess with everything I thought I had. Did Lola’s birth cause me to grow so that there was this little extra depth to my love that I had never had before?
I feel guilty even saying this, because I don’t want anyone to think that I love Princess less; because I don’t. I love her differently; just like she loves me differently than she loves her so-called “real” mom. She saves a special part of her heart for her birth mother, a part she will never let me have, for fear of losing her mom in a very real way. Never doubt that I love Princess and she is my daughter, and I will devote my life to her, just as much as I feel the devotion to Lola; but there is something that Lola has given me that Princess just can’t.
She is truly mine; she will never know another. She will love me forever the way Princess loves Succubus. Whether she deserves it or not, Succubus will always have that part of Princess’s heart. Because I will hold that part of Lola’s heart, she is different.
Princess loves me very, very much. We are extremely close and I know that she knows I will always be there for her. My love is unconditional; I love her for who she is (a phenomenal person) and I am so proud to be raising her and she knows in her heart who her caretaker and nurturer is. That is enough for me.
Like I’ve said before, I’ve always been second to someone else, with every person I’ve ever loved in my whole life. Hubby, Princess, my first husband, you name it, there is someone else who must or did come first.
But Lola? Oh my God…for right now, anyway, I’m IT. If I died tonight, I can at least say I finally experienced that kind of all-encompassing love.
Thank you, Lola. Thank you so much. And thank you, God, for finding something in me that deserved to experience this love.
All my other worries pale when I stop to consider these feelings. Sometimes I get caught up in the day-to-day life, wondering how we’ll make ends meet; wondering how I’ll ever keep up; but then I realize WHY I’m behind, WHY we’re living on a shoestring budget and I’m so glad just to be alive. Maybe we’re not so well off financially, maybe I’m not the most trim and beautiful gal anymore, maybe Hubby and I are so tired that the romance sometimes takes a back burner. But I have the most beautiful children in the world and I’m doing the most meaningful thing with my life that I could do. There is no career greater than that of a mother. I am so appreciative of Hubby for giving me the chance to stay home and do it to the best of my ability, and I am so thankful to have two daughters who love me as much as Princess and Lola do.