NOT FAIR

I remember when I used to use this journal to vent my thoughts and feelings about things that were going on in my life. I always felt better after I had written it all out.

Lately, however, I have not felt comfortable doing that, for whatever reason. That’s really not an accurate statement either — it’s more that I just don’t have the energy to write it all out. There is just TOO MUCH to write about.

Suffice it to say, I have enough drama in my life right now to kill an elephant. I am so tired.

I have decided that I need to see a therapist, for real. I am trying to deal with things that I am really struggling with, and they are external things that really are out of my realm of control. The fact that I can’t control these situations in my family is frustrating, because I worry about everyone else. It is really interfering in my enjoyment of the last few weeks of my pregnancy. I am worried that the stress I am feeling and emotional turmoil that is going on is going to adversely affect my health, and ultimately, my baby.

Then I feel guilty because I feel this unbelievable urge to completely isolate myself from anyone who is causing my blood pressure to rise. To put myself in a protective cocoon until the baby gets here; but I don’t want to leave certain members of my family to handle the family crises alone. It’s not fair to them to have to bear the burden of all the problems on their own.

But my baby doesn’t have a choice in any of these matters, and doesn’t deserve to be living inside a person who hasn’t had remotely enough sleep in over a week, who is constantly tense and sick, crying all the time. I keep thinking desperate thoughts and even the pregnancy itself is making me feel trapped. I can’t run and hide, and I can’t fix the problems I’m being included in.

There is no debate that I need to protect little Lola and myself. I can tell my family that I need to bow out of all this drama and I really feel they would respect my wishes. The only really sucky part of this is that most of this family situation is surrounding my mother. She and a couple of my siblings are at swordpoints, which is surreal in and of itself. My mom is angrier than I have ever seen her. This situation seems to have no good resolution. However, the plan for months has been that my mother would come and stay with me until the baby comes. This is something I have always wanted to share with her. But I don’t think she is going to be able to come up here and let go of her anger and just be present with me. I have a feeling we are going to spend those last weeks of this miracle in my life, hashing and rehashing what this one said to her and what she said to them; fielding phone calls from siblings who are angry at her and trying to keep more arguments from happening, etc.

This is not what I had imagined I would be doing during these last 10 weeks. I had this ideal in my mind that I would don a mantle of peace and serenity and just an awe-filled sense of joy and appreciation for the miracle that has been taking place and the miracle of this child’s birth. This milestone in my life is the penultimate one-what I have wanted my whole life. I want to revel in the glory of this event.

I don’t want to tell my mother that her issues are going to interfere with my intentions for this time, a time of preparation for me. I don’t want to tell her I don’t want her here because of what she is going through. I don’t want to tell her what behavior I am expecting of her, like I am her parent, not vice versa. A conversation like that with her right now would just make her upset and hurt with me too, and then no matter if she came or if she didn’t, my final weeks of this pregnancy will be ruined.

I have no idea how I will resolve this matter for myself. I know I can’t resolve the issues between the other members of my family. But something has to be done, at least from my perspective. I feel so helpless and hopeless.

I feel all the words I’ve used in this entry are inadequate. I don’t know if anyone could possibly understand the pressure I feel now. I almost feel unconsolable.

This is why I feel I should go see a therapist, I am in crisis just as much as the rest of my family, because this just shows my “adult daughter of an alcoholic” tendency to feel like I am responsible for other peoples’ happiness and if they aren’t all peachy, I can’t enjoy the good things in my life. I have handled this feeling for a long time, but now that the joy is being leached out of the one thing in my life that I have wanted more than anything, my whole soul is railing – THIS IS NOT FAIR. I need to get around this before it is too late and when I look back on those final weeks of my pregnancy, I am only going to feel regret and anxiety. That’s NOT what I want to happen.

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