Can 4 months undo 31 years of stupidity?

Before I get into my intended entry for today, let me clarify a couple of things from yesterday’s entry:

My little bean is still my little bean, I was joking about the Pele nickname. It occurs to me that some of you might not know who Pele was (is) — a great soccer player. In fact, the National Olympics Committees voted Brazilian soccer star Pele as No.1 in their top five Athletes of the Century, even though he was the only one of the five who didn’t take part in the Olympic games. Suffice it to say, he’s quite a kicker, and that is why I was calling the baby Pele yesterday. And my bladder was the soccer ball.

No, I am not a soccer fan. But when I was younger, it seemed everyone knew who Pele was. But several individuals I talked to yesterday didn’t know who he was, and that’s ok; I find I know a lot of things that a lot of my friends think are rather obscure details. That is why I get phone calls at 2:00 a.m. asking me who played Lt. Dan in Forrest Gump (which honestly, shouldn’t EVERYONE know that?), or “What is the opposite of the opposite of exact?”

And the last clarification of yesterday’s entry–I said Pamela Anderson has nothing on me. That is not true. So I guess it is a correction — she is still hotter than me, and that’s ok. I simply meant I have big boobies right now. Pamela does not have a big pregnant belly sticking out to keep her from looking totally hot, as I currently do. But for some reason, Hubby finds the upper protrusions much more exciting than he finds the lower protrusion icky. He says the belly actually is a turn on too but I don’t get that.

OK, now that we have that all taken care of, I can write what I am thinking about.

Well, I have been thinking about what I have been doing since I left my job and have been home. I have definitely done a decent job in keeping my house orderly and I have done a little bit toward preparing for the baby’s arrival, i.e., working on cleaning the clutter out of what is going to be the nursery. However, I have not really been focusing on my health right now as I had intended I would. I have not been doing my yoga every day, not even every other day. I haven’t done it in over 2 weeks, and I’ve only done it three times since I left my job. So I haven’t been exercising. This is not good.

Eating isn’t too good either. I really need to concentrate on eating more healthy foods, and less on the easy, quick things that I tend to eat.

I have been under a lot of stress the last few weeks, with problems going on in my family with my sister and parents. I feel a lot of anxiety and really just want to completely detach from my family altogether because I am afraid the stress is harming my pregnancy. However, since one of the big issues is my mother’s emotional and mental wellbeing, I feel I need to stay involved. I just need to find a spot I can fill without taking on the problems of the world. I feel guilty because I have taken to not calling my mom every day or even every other day. I feel as much anxiety calling her as I do my dad, although my mom has always been good to me and I love her dearly.

I feel a lot of resentment towards certain of my family members and I really don’t want to communicate with them at all, for fear of saying things that I will regret.

It is coming to a head, the fact that this family is really dysfunctional. My mom can’t hold us all together by the sheer force of her will anymore. She is taking on all the dysfunctional characteristics that she has been fighting against in other family members for years. Her anger and bitterness is very self-destructive, and the 3 of us daughters who desperately try to try to keep her healthy and secure are being pushed away. It’s like she has a death wish, and there is nothing we can do about it.

She is angry at one of us kids, and therefore she rejects all of us, and her self-punishing behavior, self denial and, basically, melodrama are causing all of us a lot of grief and worry.

It’s really just a bunch of codependent stupidity. I see it for what it is, but I feel that respecting her requests to “stop sending money” and “let me run my life” are really just attention grabbing mechanisms. My mom only gets $500 a month in social security, because my dad never wanted her to work a regular job. She worked with him in his shop and never got paid for it. She didn’t put much into social security over the years, therefore she doesn’t get much. So I send her a little bit of money, and a couple other of my sisters take care of certain things for her. The house she lives in is owned by those 2 sisters, so she lives there for free, just pays the utilities. I know my sisters give her more money than I can afford to, but we all do it because we don’t want her to be unhappy, and it also staves off worry for us. Now Mom is saying that we expect to be able to control her life in exchange for these things we do for her.

It’s a long story, and I really don’t have the energy to put it all down here, but it is draining me and honestly, I feel I should be a little selfish right now and separate myself from this crap and do everything in my power to ensure that this little precious baby that I SO want and need gets the best of everything I can provide–including emotional stability and happy emotions, rather than all this stupidity, and then the guilt I place on myself because I am not doing right by my little baby just compounds it.

I think just writing this out shows me what I need to do. I need to just let my sisters know that I need to stay out of this situation, I need to protect myself and this defenseless child inside me. I let situations like this affect me way too much.

I just need to figure out, which is worse, the guilt of bowing out and letting my other family members work through this crisis with my mother, or the guilt of staying in it and maybe adversely affecting my pregnancy and my baby.

I’m just afraid all this drama will cause my baby to be oversensitive herself, like I am. I don’t want this baby to be *anything* like me in that regard. I want her to have everything that I don’t–including stability and peace. In order to give her those things, I need to take those things for myself once and for all–and move away from the things that are keeping it from me. Including people.

I have no idea how to do it. But I need to really make it a priority. I have 4 months left before this baby is born. I can clean myself up and get this straightened out in my heart. Dr. Phil says, you can get happy in the same pants you get mad in. The upcoming arrival of this baby is the happiest thing that has ever happened to me, even more than my marriage to this baby’s father, which was the best thing I ever did prior to this.

Hubby, Princess and this little bean mean everything to me. I need to move forward with them, and not keep looking and reaching back trying to pull the people from my past along with me.

I can’t write any more. This was exhausting.

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