Why Am I Surprised?

You know what really hurts?

Knowing that certain people in your life don’t love you for who you are, but for what you can do to benefit them.

Knowing that certain people don’t want to spend time with you just for the pleasure of your company.

Knowing that certain people will hang out with you because they know you would be so pathetically grateful for their precious attention that you might give them the things they want from you, and that is the only reason they would come and see you.

Knowing that when you pick up the phone and it’s them, that they aren’t really calling to see how you are doing, they are preparing to ask you for a favor, or are even subtle enough to call a couple times to “see how you are” before they spring the question on you they are wanting to ask you.

Knowing that if you say no to them, somehow you are selfish and mean.

Knowing that if you say no to them, because your spouse says no, somehow this will ruin all the wonderful things your spouse has done for them over the years and then your spouse is also selfish and mean. All prior good deeds fly out the window.

I have come to realize now that of my 5 siblings, I know only 2 of them really love me for me. The other 3 think I’m pathetic or a pushover. I know this, yet it still hurts when they behave predictably like they always have.

Why can’t they just love me and be my family?

Family isn’t about blood. It’s about who is there and who wants to be there because they care about you not what you can do for them.

I don’t know why I would even shed tears over this, but I just keep hoping one day they will see me, really see me, and love me. But I am just a stick in the mud, and I’m about to prove that even more when I shoot them down.

I want to divorce my family.

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