Wow. For the first time in “I don’t know how long”, I am actually doing a diary entry at home. Actually, I mean to do it a lot, but don’t seem to have the time or energy to do it. But here I am, I’ve been awake since 5:30 a.m., and just laid in bed until about 6:45 a.m. Hubby got up and left for work, so I am alone (Princess is still asleep). I surfed the internet, read my favorite diaries, and am just listening to “Big Hits of the 70’s” on Yahoo! LaunchCast.
It is funny, I feel really weird today. Maybe I am pregnant. I don’t know–I have such weird things with my body every month I can never tell what is going on. If you are a guy, and talk about menstruation grosses you out, you can come back another time because I am going to share with my girlfriends. Maybe some of you have had similar experiences and can tell me if I’m abnormal!!!
***Side note: One of my favorite songs of all time is on: “Year of the Cat” by Al Stewart. Yay!***
Anyway, back to my abnormal menses. Every month, I will have a light spotting for 2-3 days. Then, it goes away for a few days, this varies (see below). It fakes me out and makes me think “maybe it was implantation bleeding and I am pregnant!” But then, after a day or two I can’t take it anymore so I go and buy the pregnancy test, and it says “NO”. By the end of that day, usually I will start my period.
Once I noticed this happens every month with the spotting, then nothing, then period, I have tried to stop getting all freaked out by it. But I will note here that the time between the spotting and my period will stretch itself out for 3-4 or more days sometimes, it will go until I can’t take the suspense anymore and give in and test. It will go until I test and get let down.
So anyway, last month I had my first day of spotting around the 3rd of June. The previous month it was the 2nd of May. So, I would say today or tomorrow I should start spotting. I see no signs of anything right now. Hubby and I were pretty active this month during my peak time for conception. I am praying that this is it.
I have had spiritual reasons for thinking that June was going to be the month we conceived. If we didn’t, I think I am going to stop all this plotting and planning for a while because it is just too stressful and as we know, stress is contraindicated for conception. I have enough stress in other parts of my life to jeopardize my fertility, why would I make the sex part no fun?
On a larger scale, I have been feeling very strange lately. In some ways things are really going well and I feel very happy about those things. Other things are kind of at a standstill, and still other things are enigmatic and I’m not sure what, if anything, I should feel about them.
I guess I could go through all these things and you could read about my rather bland life and I could get it all off my chest. I have time! It’s not even 8:00 a.m., Princess is asleep, Hubby is gone, and I have some quiet time to get it all out.
Where do I start?
I guess I can start with some of my friends. First of all, I have been very worried about SIL lately. She is under a lot of stress, and I am concerned for her emotional health. She really needs a friend to be there for her and to spend time with, but we live about 30-40 minutes away from each other and with my job and our kids and everything, we are having a hard time getting together. I feel kind of bad about it because I feel like maybe I’m contributing to her feelings because I haven’t been able to come over and vice versa. Tonight I’m going to go over to her Uncle’s house where they are camping out for the holiday weekend, so I can see her and give her a hug. I know she feels lonely and isolated. Her neighbors aren’t very nice to her, which you may have seen if you read her diary. Basically, they suck and I very much dislike them.
SIL and BIL are looking to move out towards my place, or a little west of us back in their hometown, which is also about 30 minutes away, but actually it is better because we don’t have to fight Detroit traffic to see each other. I really think in a lot of ways that a move would be the best thing for her and her family. I think it would be a fresh start for my nephew, and SIL would be close to her family.
So that is one thing and I feel kind of bad about it.
On a positive note, I have been talking more to my best friend Kitty. Kitty lives in Cincinnati, and we don’t get to spend much time together. She has 4 kids, the youngest is 4, and the oldest is 19 and has a new baby. You can imagine, she is very busy. Then me with my job and family, we ended up having to set a date every week to talk on the phone. A couple of weeks ago, we decided to plan a weekend getaway together. We haven’t went on a trip together since 1997, so this should be fun. We decided to go to Chicago for the weekend. So last week, I booked my plane ticket, she booked the hotel (we’re staying at a NICE hotel!), and I booked a little R&R at the top salon and day spa in Chicago. Can you say, splurging?
I am very much looking forward to this trip for different reasons. I need a little time as an individual and not as a wife and mother. Does that sound selfish? I just feel like sometimes I forget who CG really is inside?
Ok, more friend stuff. For the first couple of years I lived here in Michigan, I suffered from depression for a number of reasons which I won’t rehash here — you can always go back to my earlier diary entries and figure it out. I was so hurt inside that I basically shut down my “friend making” mechanism. I also avoided the friends I already had. I just didn’t have the emotional stamina to socialize. All I wanted to do was hide out at home (my little safe haven).
And some of the friends I did have were not really of my choosing, I kind of fell into those friendships by virtue of my relationship with Hubby. Some of those friendships really were genuine and have lasted through my depression and my mostly happy existence now. Other of those friends met me in the throes of depression and my wrestling with inner issues.
When I emerged from that dark time in my life with opinions and a renewed dedication to take care of my heart and feelings from then on, it was a drastic change from what they had known before. I had realized a lot of the things I did to please friends were not healthy for me and that I needed to be more assertive and more devoted to taking care of my emotional health. I learned a new word and had to practice using it…”No.” Anyway, friends were lost and I even think, enemies were made. It sucks, but it is true.
At any rate, with the emerging from the depression with my eyes open and my heart ready to embrace happier times, I opened my life to others and started making new friends. I made several new friends at my job, who I really clicked with and who were on the same wavelength as me. Fellow goddesses, just as divine as I know my own soul is. I’ve been very happy since I expanded my circle of friends again.
A couple of months ago, one of my circle moved away. Ryann moved to Los Angeles for a new job and to be with her significant other. I was very happy for her, but I was also sad for myself. I keep in touch with her every single day and we talk on the phone occasionally.
Now, another of my really good friends, Dara, shared with me that she is moving back to Atlanta. Her significant other got a new job there, and she gets to move back home. She’s been very homesick for her family, and if anyone understands that, it is I. As a matter of fact, when she told me of his upcoming interview, I started praying for him to get the job, every single day. I want her to be happy and going home will make her very happy. She will get to be with her best friend again and near her mom and sister. This is wonderful for her. However, it does leave a bit of a hole in my life. I am now down to two friends at work, and one of them is dating a fellow in Toledo, so she may move down there. She will still be able to commute to Ann Arbor for her job, but I am not sure how long she will want to deal with that hour long commute.
So that is going on, and then my sister T moved to Atlanta to be closer to her job. My mom takes care of her kids a lot so that means my mom is basically moving to Atlanta too. She keeps a house in Kentucky, but is rarely ever there. So now my mom is even further away. In Cincinnati, she was only 3.5 hours away.
So as it stands, I have my dad, and my two brothers in Cincinnati. I love them, but my relationships with each of them causes me major stress sometimes. I just don’t relate to them very well. I totally adore my little brother, but when we fight, it is a scary thing.
My next closest relative, my sister J, is in Kentucky, about 8-9 hours away. Then my sister L is in Tennessee about 11 or 12 hours away. Then, my sister T and my mom are in Atlanta, and I am thinking that is about 16 hours away.
So I guess so far it seems pretty whiny, doesn’t it? I’m sorry, I guess that’s pretty negative of me.
I do have some things to be happy about.
Since May 14 we have paid off our loan to the 401(k), our debt has gone down from 21500 to 19500, and from this point forward will start to go down even more drastically. By the end of the year, we will have it down to about 4000, and it will be completely gone by March. And that is if we just sit back and rest on our laurels. If we get out there and generate more income we could have it done even quicker.
I know that some of you may think I am dwelling too much on material things, but this isn’t about material things, this is about DEBT. Debt sucks your life energy away. Debt is bad for your spirit. There is so many benefits for pulling yourself out of debt. A sense of accomplishment. Being in debt actually has given me a little more wisdom and appreciation for the simpler things in life. Once we are out of debt, Hubby and I are dedicated to the notion of living our lives as simply as possible. Never again will we go into debt for anything other than real estate. And that is something we are trying to avoid too. We want to pay off our house as early as possible.
I plan on working until I get pregnant. If I am not pregnant now, who knows how long it may take. I plan on applying each and every paycheck I get towards paying off our debt, including the house. I figured it out, if I continue to work full time in the position I am in now for another few so years after our other debts are paid off, we could pay our house off in 3 years! If I get pregnant before that amount of time comes, at least every day I work will get us that much closer.
I watched Suze Orman on PBS one day talking about the nine points of financial success. One of the things she says is to save 6 months to a year’s worth of living expenses. She also said to pay off all your debts, “people first, then debt, then things.” So that is what Hubby and I have been doing. We are almost done paying off our vehicles. By October 1, I will be able to pay off the people to whom we owe money — 2 of my sisters, and Kitty. Then, we will pay off all our other debts. Then, as Suze Orman recommends, we are going to strive to pay our house off early.
She indicated that some financial advisors don’t recommend paying off the house early because of the tax benefits, the deduction for the interest. However, she said that our goal should be to position ourselves so that if we did lose our job, we would know we wouldn’t lose our car (paid off) or our home (paid off). Some security in times of uncertainty.
I love what she said, “Don’t worry about Uncle Sam and that tax refund you’d get for those interest payments every year. If you lose your job and they take away your house, your good old Uncle Sam isn’t going to let you live with him!”
I say, Amen to that! Owning your home and everything outright with no liens on them is to really be financially independent. That is where I want to be. Keep in mind I don’t have a 300K house. My house is small and modest. It is an old house, a “fixer upper”. But it will be ours!
I don’t want to be rich. All I want is to be out of the red. This is one theme I have been very loyal to in my life, I have strived for the last few years to get to this point. It is an achievement I am going to be very proud of.
So that is something to smile about. It is finally working out.
Things with Hubby are pretty good. Like I said, we’ve been getting busy a lot lately! LOL. We go through those times like every relationship does, where we kind of get too caught up in the day to day to really connect with each other, but then we always seem to migrate back to each other and those times are just so wonderful. We had a date last weekend for Hubby’s birthday. We went out to a delicious dinner and then to the local pub to meet one of his friends and one of my friends and I got to karaoke. We went out that night on the motorcycle. It was so cool to go on a date on a bike!!! We’ve never done that before. It was mega cool! We spent a lot of time on those 2 wheels last weekend.
Princess is home after being gone for almost 2 weeks, staying with friends and family for visits. I’m glad to have her home!
So to tie this long-winded entry up and you can get on with your day, my home life and related activities are going great, so the core of my little life is A-Ok. I am sad about friends and family moving away, and worried about another of my friends. I think really, the core of my weird feelings today have to do everything with the fact that my house is messy and I don’t want to clean it! I want to go out and play with Princess. So I will! As my friend Karen says, the mess isn’t going anywhere, it will be there when I’m ready to take care of it!