Vanity or Truth?

Second entry of the day.

I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way, because I’m not saying this in a tone of complaint. But I find it so hard to think that people actually like me in this world.

I know that part of loving yourself is learning to accept that you are lovable just because you exist. I know that in the frontal part of my brain.

It’s so hard to assimilate though. Because I don’t see much to like. I don’t do a lot of really nice things for people, and I’m kind of sharp tongued. I am not much to look at, it’s not like I’m all adorable or whatever.

I used to do nice things for people, but I did them for the wrong reasons, I did it solely to get them to like me. I wasted my energy on people who didn’t deserve it. I kept none back for myself. Because I stopped doing that recently, and have been conserving most of my scant energy taking care of myself because years went by that I did not take care of myself, I have been accused of being selfish and self-centered. Well, if that is the way people feel about it, I guess that is what I am.

So maybe I am selfish and self-centered and vain and whatever else I’ve been called to friends and acquaintances alike recently.

So, why do I have people who love me? I am positive they love me in spite of myself. But there has to be a reason why they love me, and I’m stumped. I used to think I was funny, charming, brilliant, sweet, etc. but I don’t see that so much anymore. I’m just me. And me is ok, but it’s not so great that I should have all these friends and people who love me.

Are they all crazy? Or am I being mean to myself again.

I guess if one person hates you, it makes you feel like you are a hateful person.

I have never in my life, until recently had people actually hate me for what I was. It has thrown me for a loop somewhat. Part of me wanted to crawl back and apologize for my life and what is important to me (myself being one of those things that is important to me), but part of me just said, “Kiss it goodbye because they obviously see the real you and don’t like it. You don’t need that in your life.”

Maybe it is that I just don’t feel extraordinary anymore. I used to always feel extraordinary. I just don’t feel that way anymore.

I think what is happening is that I am still a good person, but I’m not feeling “extraordinary” anymore is because I am not as proud or vain as I used to be when I was pretending to be something I wasn’t. I’m just as extraordinary as the next unique person. I find some people to be extraordinary and special, that other people do not think are all that big a deal. I guess it has to do with the connections you make with people. I am all about connections so I guess that may be why I am so blessed with the friends and loved ones that I have.

It’s kind of ironic, I’m LESS vain and conceited than I was when I was this phony nicey-nice person. I start being myself, my REAL self, the one who isn’t perfect, makes mistakes and has to start from zero and make things right in her life. When I do that, I lose friends and relationships, and am accused at THAT time of vanity and selfishness. Just because I want to be who I really am.

I’m not perfect, and I don’t have to be. I accept that I am just a human being who makes mistakes, and I make them a lot. I know that. I have stopped trying to be the perfect wife, the perfect friend, the perfect mom, the perfect writer, the perfect employee, the perfect family member. I spent 25 years of my life trying to be perfect and mostly succeeding. Then I spent 3 years trying to be perfect while struggling with myself and deep depression (with little to no emotional support from all my “friends” other than Hubby and a couple of very close friends and family). Then, the last 2 years, I’ve been slowly cutting myself free from the bonds of obligation and perfectionism. A lot of the beneficiaries of my perfectionism now hate me, but I love myself in a whole new way. It’s not about patting myself on the back for always doing the “right” thing in the situations I find myself in. I pat myself on the back when I can take a deep breath, swallow my fear, and say the dreaded “N” word. NO.

But back to my original wondering. I know that I am truly blessed with the people who love me and care for me, and I am not throwing their love back in their faces in a nonappreciative manner. It’s the opposite, actually. Because I KNOW I am not “all that”, I am so appreciative that they see something in me worth caring for and liking to be around, even after I have started being true to myself, no matter what the cost. Those are the people who are more precious to me than diamonds. The ones who know me and love me anyway. I would just like to see what they see, just for a minute, to remind myself that there is something special there. I miss being special sometimes.

Can you figure out if this entry is happy or sad? Let me know, cause I’m not sure!

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